Lay Me Down

In church a couple weeks ago, we sang a new song called "Lay Me Down".  It's by Chris Tomlin, and I just LOVED it.  (You can hear it and see lyrics here)

With this heart open wide
From the depths from the heights
I will bring a sacrifice
With these hands lifted high
Hear my song, hear my cry
I will bring a sacrifice
I will bring a sacrifice

[Chorus:]
I lay me down I’m not my own
I belong to you alone
Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart this much is true
There’s no life apart from you
Lay me down, lay me down
Lay me down, lay me down

Letting go of my pride
Giving up all my rights
Take this life and let it shine
Take this life and let it shine

[Chorus:]
I lay me down I’m not my own
I belong to you alone
Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart this much is true
There’s no life apart from you
Lay me down, lay me down
Lay me down, lay me down

[Bridge:]
It will be my joy to say Your will Your way
It will be my joy to say Your will Your way
It will be my joy to say Your will Your way always

"One Light Still Shines"

So, by chance, I picked up a book called "One Light Still Shines" at the public library a couple weeks ago.  It's an autobiographical story written by Marie Roberts Monville, the wife of Chuck Roberts, the perpetrator of the 2006 Amish schoolhouse shooting/suicide.  She tells the story, not of the shooting itself, but of her family's life after it happened.  (Also embedded is her life story, growing up, marriage, etc.)  This was a mind-boggling story of faith in the God who created us, and the God we serve. 

This excerpt spoke brilliantly, and reminded me who our God is, and why we worship no matter what. 
"'Worship me, Marie,' his Word called to me.  'Just worship.'  At first it was hard to worship through pain, but slowly I began to come, sit, and worship from my place of broken dreams, my place of doubt and despair.  Sometimes I sang out loud, sometimes I sat quietly, focusing my heart on recounting his goodness and allowing it to spill over with gratitude, despite my grief.  The voice that 'spoke' within me provided guidance in the fertile ground of my surrender, and I felt a new heart-connection with my God like I had never known."

If this woman, who could do this after losing her husband, and life as she knew it, in the worst way imaginable, then I needed to rethink my worship of the Lord, my questioning of His plan for our life, and remember that He alone is my victory.

I encourage you to read this book!

5 Years

I realize I've fallen off the face of the blogosphere planet...  My apologies for that, you one or two readers who might still occasionally check to see if there's a new post.

Mostly, I've been really enjoying life.  I have been so blessed with a wonderful home, an amazing husband, an incredible part time job, and a most precious and awesome daughter...and life has been going a million miles a second.

There's been a lot of moments over the last year or so where I've been struck by a lot of things infertility-related.  I really meant to write a post about Mother's Day...and didn't.  I really meant to write a post about the holidays and infertility...and I didn't.  I really meant to write a few posts about infertility after receiving the blessing of a child...and didn't.

Mostly, if I'm honest, I often try to stuff the complexity of infertility deep down in my soul, where even God can't find it (yeah, right).  God gave me the child I so deeply desired for so long, so why should I want for more?  Well, who knows if I should or shouldn't, but I do.  I have a deep longing for another child to join our family (and not to have to undergo another intrusive, difficult, but beautiful adoption process for it to happen).  I desire for Nora to NOT be an only child.  I LONG to be pregnant.  I desire to get to parent another infant.  And I wish to have answers. 

But as of right now, none of these things are happening.  And it's February.  This is our FIVE YEAR anniversary since we started trying to have a baby.  Five years.  Really?!  Man - that is just the weirdest reality I think I've ever had to face. And let's be honest...maybe I'm not facing it at all.

ONE YEAR OLD!

Okay, for real.  I can't believe this time has come and gone.  Is Nora really a year old??  Has it really been just over twelve months since we got the phone call that would change our lives in incredible ways??  It's just plain surreal...

Eleven Months!

So sorry I disappeared!!  I had really wanted to write something super eloquent about Mother's Day from the "infertile" perspective but struggled A LOT with that.  So then I just kind of gave up writing altogether...

Here's the chalkboard pic from Nora's 11 months, which was quite a while ago!

Double Digits

Well, as you can see...she's TEN months old!  And a whole new little lady at that.  She's crawling EVERYWHERE and has become quite the little troublemaker!  She can be quite clumsy so we've also entered a new stage of head bonks and other owies too.  She is babbling consonant sounds all the time, says "bye" a lot, and is developing the most incredible problem solving and other mental abilities.  It's hard to believe we're so close to the end of her first year...

NINE months! (really??!!)

My precious baby is NINE months old (well, closer to 10 than 9 now that I waited so long to post this)!!  I cannot believe it.

She's becoming less baby and more toddler everyday and I'm in such awe of how she learns new things everyday.  I'm also in denial about how fast time is moving and that I'll be throwing her 1st birthday party much sooner than I can handle. :)