Inadequate

According to TheFreeDictionary.com, the definition of inadequate is:
inadequate [ɪnˈædɪkwɪt]

adj

1. not adequate; insufficient

2. not capable or competent; lacking

This particularly defines how I feel today, and something I struggle with a lot in my life.  Today, I was ready to give up.  Today, I wanted to be mediocre and not care.  Today, I wished that I was fine with less than perfect.  Today, I wanted to hide from all my job responsibilities and pretend I don't feel incompetent

Infertility makes me feel inadequate too.  The voices in this world, and often in my own head, tell me that I'm not whole because I can't procreate.  That I'm incomplete, inadequate.  That I'm lacking.  And really, my own desires tell me these things more than anything else.  My heart aches because this longing is so deep within - longing to be a mother, to see Ben be the most amazing dad.  The longing to raise children in a house that loves Jesus.

But, the eloquent words of Sanctus Real (you can listen here) remind me that

"When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere

When I don’t measure up to much in this life

Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven"

And God reminds me through his own Holy Word that I have nothing to fear in this life in Isaiah 51:

 ¹²"I, I am he who comforts you;

   who are you that you are afraid of man who dies,

   of the son of man who is made like grass,

¹³and have forgotten the LORD, your Maker,

    who stretched out the heavens

   and laid the foundations of the earth,

and you fear continually all the day

   because of the wrath of the oppressor,

when he sets himself to destroy?

   And where is the wrath of the oppressor?

Jesus - help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me to overcome these feelings of inadequacy.  Remind me that I mean enough to you that you know the number of hairs on my head and you see every tear that falls.  You know the deepest desires, you have given me the talents I have.  You have placed me in this job and your plan is what rules my life.  Help me to remember that you are GOOD and your mercy endures forever.  Remind me that your plan is to prosper me and not to harm me.  Help me to trust in your plan to give me hope and a future.

Brand New...

Hey! I'm Jenny. I am a brand new blogger. I've never attempted this before because I've never felt like I would have interesting things to say, at least, interesting enough for others to want to read! Sure, I got great grades in English, and I feel like I'm a competent writer. But interesting? I guess we'll find out.

However, my husband Ben and I are currently on a journey in our life that has brought me to my knees, tested my faith, strengthened (and tested) our marriage, and one which I often have trouble processing. I suppose I begin to wonder if writing it all down will help. I also wonder if knowing that there are others out there who support us through this journey by reading, posting, or whatever that support means, will aid in the process.

You see, it's tricky navigating this journey, and it's difficult to ask for support. We don't usually like to bring it up, because, let's be honest, it's a downer. But, it's really so much harder to pretend like nothing is happening at all. This journey breaks my heart, and I've experienced pain, longing, and questioning like I've never felt in my life until now. Not only that, the Enemy is hard at work to tear down our faith in a time of uncertainty and unanswered questions. It's very hard to articulate these things to others. And it's also very, very hard to admit that it IS this difficult, and to ask for support.

Right now, we are an awesome team of two. But...we have been trying for over 18 months now to become a family of three. The (what feels like) horrific word and label has now been applied - infertility. I cry even as I admit in in writing. We've been tested. We've read books. We've seen a specialist. We've had our intimate life intruded upon, things that are supposed to be private are now public. I commit time everyday to this journey with temperature taking, and many other things that are a constant reminder of where we are at.

But the Lord is GOOD. He has placed some great resources in my life thanks to the ever expanding Internet that encourage and inspire me. I am reminded that there are other believers out there in the same time of life, the same struggles. He is always good. Even if I feel life is unfair, that we've been dealt a deck of cards that just don't add up right now, He is still good. It is a ginormous struggle to really believe that each and every day. Every moment of life.

I won't share too much else now, as this post may be too long for blogger etiquette (I really don't know about all that yet...). I will share one thing below, brought to me by a Girlfriends in God email devotional that I feel is a pretty accurate summary of me right now. But if you're reading, please pray for Ben & me. For these deep, deep longings, and for the everyday (yes, every single day) struggle this journey has brought. And stay tuned, as I'll be back to keep up this new adventure. Thanks for being here with me.

Based on the Scripture: Psalm 59:16 (NIV) "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble."

"Are you facing a circumstance that is much too big for you to handle? The deafening waves of doubt may be crashing around you, drowning out the promises of God. The unknown stretches before you and all you can see are the mistakes you have made and the opportunities you have missed. Fear has brought you to your knees and you are more desperate than you have ever been in your life. The questions far outnumber the answers. You cry alone in a darkness that is unlike any you have ever faced. You long to be understood and crave a love that accepts you just as you are in the midst of your fear and doubt.

I have great news for you, girlfriend! God sees you. He has not been caught off guard by the circumstances you face and where you are is no surprise to Him. In fact, God will take what the enemy means for evil and use it as the perfect setting for a miracle. You don't have to understand God to trust Him. Restoration and peace are His specialty. He will be your refuge and your strength. Right now, quietly turn to Him. He is waiting."