Infertility, Continued...

I mentioned in a lot of my posts, as we were preparing to adopt, that the infertility struggle will be a part of our forever story.  And now I really know it's true.  I cannot be clear enough that God mightily answered our prayers by gifting us with Nora.  And I could not be more thrilled to be a mom!  (more on that later)  It's the very role I've been desiring for over three years, and He filled my arms and we are SO grateful.  That's really an understatement.  It's like saying I'm grateful for the Cross.  Um, duh.  And words just can't express that.

But...there is still infertility in our life.  There are real moments where we wonder if Nora will be an only child.  And that is SO not the plan we had.  There are real moments of hope that someday God might open my womb and bless us with a biological child.  There are real moments of fear when I acknowledge that may NEVER happen.  There are real moments where I wonder if I have the strength to adopt again.  Ben would do it in a heartbeat.  I think he inherited that mystical amnesia that mothers who go through labor get (I've heard, anyway) - where the pain of the adoption and the unknown of those terrifying two weeks has disappeared from his mind.  But I haven't forgotten - those moments are still very new and fresh in my mind and heart.  Others who have adopted and have really smooth stories, where doubt never really crept in, and papers were signed the moment they were able to be, have given me those encouraging stories.  But my heart isn't ready for it again...and I don't know if it ever will be.  Not to mention the financial aspect.  Who knows if God will bless us to be financially able to do it again?

There's also been recent occasion for God to reveal to me that there are infertility wounds that have not healed.  With the adoption process, my heart and mind was so focused on that road and each next step - and of course, with the arrival of Nora - infertility had really left me alone for a while.  And now, I'm a mother!!!  My prayers and dreams have come true in a really incredible story.  For real - and the number of people that prayed with us and for us through this journey have SEEN GOD'S GLORY.  Praise Jesus!

But - there are still wounds.  They're different now - it's not remotely the same pain as the height of infertility.  But a friend of mine recently gave me the metaphor of a scab.  It's a wound that has healed over (absolutely true in the midst of the adoption and with the arrival of Nora).  But - one slight pick at that scab, and the wound feels fresh again.  What an accurate description.  I realized that I haven't grieved through the aches I have to be able to pee on a stick and see a positive result.  To have that incredibly traditional moment when I get to tell my husband we're pregnant.  To have the experience of telling family and friends in a really fun & exciting way.  Yes, we got to announce we were expecting through adoption, and we got to announce that Nora's birthmom chose us.  But everything is SO different through adoption.  The uncertainty and waiting just isn't the same, and one-time big announcements just aren't possible.  Baby showers - not the same.  Birth certificate - not the same.  First moments after birth - not the same.  And there are moments where I feel guilty that these things still hurt.  Because God answered my prayers, right?  Nora is ours and I'm a mother.  So what's the problem?  Well, the problem is that I've still got a scab.  And that scab hasn't scarred over yet and maybe never will.

But (and here's the really great but) - I know that the same God who walked with me through the last three and a half years will keep walking with me.  And will speak quietly to me in those painful moments.  And will help my heart be at peace with whatever the rest of our journey, the rest of our family will look like.

So - that's the honest truth.  :)  And here's my beautiful daughter.  Because again - none of this changes the JOY and GRATITUDE we have for the way God has grown our family, and the chance to be Nora's parents.

Avoidance

Well, I think I've been avoiding a few things.

I've been avoiding writing any news because I wanted to write with good news.  And it just hasn't come.

I've been avoiding writing because it's February.  This month marks 3 years since Ben & I chose to start a journey of growing our family.  A journey we NEVER could have predicted would look like this 3 years later.  While the ups & downs of the infertility journey have somewhat subsided - each month still hurts a little.  Pregnancy announcements still hurt.  Growing bellies are joy for their owners - yet for me, painful reminders at the failings of my own body.  And knowing it's been 3 years is simply surreal.  Infertility and adoption are not separate.  Infertility and parenthood will not be separate.  There are no cures, no answers, no easy fixes for it.  It is a journey we may walk every day for the rest of our lives. While I'm not in the same place in the infertility journey I was a year ago (PRAISE JESUS, He's already worked on healing so much with this, helping me to grieve so much), the reality is that it's still a journey we continue to be on.

But above all else - I've been avoiding the humble reality of facing truth in lack of trust.  The day in December I last posted, my world felt like it fell apart.  About a month later, our agency asked us to complete additional steps - hard steps - in order to reconsider their decision of not approving us in December, and the world crumbled a little more.  Both of those moments should have been the first moment my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and arms reached out to Jesus and allowed trust and peace to flood my entire being.  Instead, I panicked.  I hurt.  I cried.  I worried.  I attempted to exert any control I thought I could.  And the two months since that day have been...well...indescribable.

Proverbs 13:12 - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  This whole journey has felt like hope deferred.  But two months ago, fleshly hope was tangible.  This is why I feel like my heart hurts so much in this journey, when that wonderful outcome of approval slipped away.

However, Rom 5:3-5 - "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured our into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."  This is what I WANT to feel in my heart, and humbly ask you to help me ask Jesus for this to become my everyday reality.  To move from feeling like adoption "will be" an amazing road once there's resolution, and instead feel like adoption "IS" an amazing road, if not for any other reason than this is where God has us.  To hope now because Christ died on the cross and nothing else changes that.  And to hope forward, to the wonderful, handmade, blessing of a child that God will place into our family.

All this to say - there's no news yet.  And my heart is in a state of flux, sometimes human and worrying and hurting, sometimes having brief glimpses of hope, faith, and trust.

Resources Available

Ben and I have had two really great resources through our infertility journey: a book called Hannah's Hope, and a CD recording of a Focus on the Family broadcast about infertility.  I think both express a great deal of our hearts and minds.

If any of you who are close to us have any interest in reading or listening, we will be more than happy to lend our copies or buy you your own.  We know that there's often lots of questions, or lots of discomfort when it comes to discussing this journey, or even walking it with us.  But I think these two things are able to express SO much about this journey that I just felt so validated listening and reading - seeing or hearing my own emotions there on paper (or on CD).  Particularly, the book has, at the end of each chapter, a section called "Burden Bearers" designed specifically for those who know a loved one experiencing infertility.  But, the whole book is just great.

Anyhow - enough about that.  But the resources are available if you want!  Just let me know!

Baby Steps (Pardon the Pun)

So, in line with a couple of years of not having any inclination that we would have ever been in this place, the feeling is fresh yet again.

Several weeks ago, Ben & I took a long focused weekend to pray and fast about the next steps in our infertility journey.  We asked four couples near and dear to us to come alongside us and each took one day to bathe us in prayer.  Right around the same time, I got two very unrelated and just as unexpected referrals to talk to friends/family of friends via email about their adoption experiences.  Both of these couples adopted very recently, and both through the same Christian agency in the Big City that I've mentioned before, which is about two hours away.  After this focused weekend, neither Ben nor I had any magnificent revelations.  However, we did both feel a very strong tug to start looking into adoption.  We put on hold any plans to look into a Big City fertility center and instead explore this nebulous and intimidating thing called adoption, and in particular, this adoption agency.

We requested information from this agency, read through it carefully, and decided that we wanted to take their series of classes, which are required of anyone going through their agency.  We were hungry for more information, and found out they are running the classes in two Fri-Sat sessions in a smaller city in June.  This is a great alternative to their normal Tuesdays from 6-9 in the Big City.  We communicated our desire to attend, and were told we would have to have an initial consultation before being allowed to.  We were already going to be heading down to Big City for our anniversary weekend, and I called to see if there was any way we could meet with someone the Friday we were coming down (a mere 3 days from that phone call), and miraculously, it worked out.

It was, easily, one of the most interesting 1.5 hours of my life.  The first part was our case worker asking us LOTS of questions.  Then, she walked us through every single step and piece of paper involved in getting ready to put our match letter into their book and books in pregnancy centers around the Big City. Wow.  So. Much. Information.  Anyhow - the moral of that story is that we walked away feeling a little overwhelmed and knowing we had a lot to think about.  We signed and sent our check for the June classes, which will be on June 10-11 and 24-25.  We look forward to absorbing more, and delving deeper into this world.

As we move forward, we vulnerably ask for your prayers for wisdom.  For discernment.  For clarity.  We want this to be God's story - not ours.

Come to Me

A couple weeks ago, my Pastor shared a sermon based on Psalm 77 and Matthew 11:28-30.  When hearing Psalm 77, I think it's a natural reaction to be surprised that such language is even in the Bible (verses 7-9):

"Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor again?

Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?

Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

I felt as though I was kindred spirit to Asaph, the one who uttered these words.  My heart - so broken and torn to pieces at some points along this road less traveled, spurns questions like these.  He poured out his honest questions, a result of his brokenness and humanity.  And drawing it back to Matthew, the Bible points out that Jesus is ready.  He's ready for the broken heart, the honest questions.  He is ready to offer rest for the soul.  

Here's a couple more quotes from Hannah's Hope:

"Bitterness is described in Hebrews as a root that defiles the soul, causing us to miss the grace of God.  Nothing chokes out peace faster.  Intense marah was deeply rooted within my heart for a long time.  I felt raw, weighed down, constantly rubbed in the wrong direction. I was disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, and even myself." (pg. 102)

"While I demanded the joy of motherhood, I never stopped to consider how it would break my heart to be rejected by my child in the way I was treating the Lord."  (pg. 104)

BUT - then Asaph REMEMBERS.  He remembers the Lord's mighty deeds, his power and authority over all elements.   But what an incredible example he provides of how to not complain for complaint's sake (verses 13-15):

"Your ways, God, are holy.

What god is as great as our God?

You are the God who performs miracles;

you display your power among the peoples.

With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, 

the descendants of Jacob and Joseph"

And here's a final quote from the book for this post:

"God has a plan that is better than anything I can imagine.  He knows the ultimate purpose of each ingredient He allows to flavor my life.  As bitter as His recipe may seem, God can make it good, accomplishing His great purpose."  (pg. 105)

The Journey Continues

Another cycle.  Another failed attempt.  Another heartbreak.  Another start at square one.

Hope seems to be a weird catch 22 in the infertility journey.  We need hope in the Lord to keep going.  But when we allow ourselves to hope that this cycle will work, it makes the fall that much harder.  It's been a while since we had enough focus to hope.  And this cycle, we did.  We hoped.  I was on Clomid and progesterone - it was the first time in a long while I was medicated.  I allowed myself to read into little signs.  We both hoped.  And we both crashed.  I think a lot of circumstances played into it - but yesterday was by far the hardest infertility struggle day I've had in a long, long time.  The tears just wouldn't stop, even amidst a full workday.  My face was swollen by the time I finally laid my head down.  It just hurts so much.  Indescribable pain.

I've been reading Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake.  It's been a relief but has also brought a lot of feelings to the surface.  I wanted to share some excerpts here.  Some were good reminders, some were honest convictions in my heart.

"I felt that we had earned the right of parenthood. Didn't God owe us something here?  Surprisingly, the answer was, and is, no.  God does not owe me anything: not a baby, not even an explanation of His choices."  (pg. 37)

"God knows this grief personally.  He has gone to greater measures to make you His child than you will ever go in the pursuit of growing your own family." (pg. 47)

"In the struggle to 'have a family,' it can be so easy to forget that as husband and wife we already are a family."  (pg. 86)

There is more I want to share - particularly, a really unique way that some of the info in this book coincided with my pastor's message this past Sunday.  I'll get there soon.

In other news, we hosted a house warming party this past weekend and we were so blessed by a home FILLED with friends and family.  So many people came to join us in celebrating this huge blessing in our life and it was an incredible showing of God's love for us.

Inadequate

According to TheFreeDictionary.com, the definition of inadequate is:
inadequate [ɪnˈædɪkwɪt]

adj

1. not adequate; insufficient

2. not capable or competent; lacking

This particularly defines how I feel today, and something I struggle with a lot in my life.  Today, I was ready to give up.  Today, I wanted to be mediocre and not care.  Today, I wished that I was fine with less than perfect.  Today, I wanted to hide from all my job responsibilities and pretend I don't feel incompetent

Infertility makes me feel inadequate too.  The voices in this world, and often in my own head, tell me that I'm not whole because I can't procreate.  That I'm incomplete, inadequate.  That I'm lacking.  And really, my own desires tell me these things more than anything else.  My heart aches because this longing is so deep within - longing to be a mother, to see Ben be the most amazing dad.  The longing to raise children in a house that loves Jesus.

But, the eloquent words of Sanctus Real (you can listen here) remind me that

"When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere

When I don’t measure up to much in this life

Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven"

And God reminds me through his own Holy Word that I have nothing to fear in this life in Isaiah 51:

 ¹²"I, I am he who comforts you;

   who are you that you are afraid of man who dies,

   of the son of man who is made like grass,

¹³and have forgotten the LORD, your Maker,

    who stretched out the heavens

   and laid the foundations of the earth,

and you fear continually all the day

   because of the wrath of the oppressor,

when he sets himself to destroy?

   And where is the wrath of the oppressor?

Jesus - help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me to overcome these feelings of inadequacy.  Remind me that I mean enough to you that you know the number of hairs on my head and you see every tear that falls.  You know the deepest desires, you have given me the talents I have.  You have placed me in this job and your plan is what rules my life.  Help me to remember that you are GOOD and your mercy endures forever.  Remind me that your plan is to prosper me and not to harm me.  Help me to trust in your plan to give me hope and a future.

Disappointment.

Sadness. Unbelievable pain. Fear. Utter heartbreak. Frustration. These are the feelings of another failed cycle. Ben and I will be continuing on this horrific journey. I think it's mostly hard to put into words what this really feels like. Yes, I can list off the words above, and though they are all so true and applicable, they just don't quite express my heart right now. I'm not sure if this is something one can understand without having been through it themselves. And while I don't wish this pain on anyone for any reason, I do feel like it might sometimes be nice to have someone near me (physically) who can understand or to relate.

I have been wanting to share a couple of resources I found at a wonderful Christian based infertility support forum. These are things that I thought might be useful to our loved ones who want to offer support. The first is simply a list of suggestions on how to help: http://sail.heritage-umc.org/html/helping_a_loved__one_with_infe.html.

This one is a poignant video. While we may not identify with everything, I felt that this video helps to reflect what our journey, our life is like while dealing with infertility: http://www.tearsandhope.com/.

I don't mean to be pushy with these things. It's just very difficult to express my heart about this journey. We don't often bring it up, because we know it's hard for others to understand and handle. We know that it's a depressing subject (believe me, we know). We never want to impose on others' good news with our difficulties, and I really feel that we actually do a great job of this. I think sometimes I'm scared that others ignore what we are going through because it's an uncomfortable situation, and events in others' lives do affect us in ways most can't imagine. But that doesn't mean we don't want to know, or that we can't celebrate with others. In fact, it's usually more painful to have others pretend like nothing is happening. Because it's natural to want to feel supported. But I think these resources explain most of this better than I can.

We are taking some time "off" so to speak so that we have time to investigate what doctors and resources we have here in town, and which places in the big city might be a good match for our needs. We do pray that something will work out, especially financially. We always covet and appreciate your prayers. Please let me know if you have any questions at all.

With Love,

Jenny

IUI

For my non-fertility savvy friends, that stands for Intra Uterine Insemination, or, IUI. We are now going through our first cycle where we are using physician assistance. While this is our second cycle of me using a drug called Clomid, this is the first time we will follow the reproductive endocrinologist’s suggestion of also doing IUI (taking Clomid without doing an IUI was against his professional advice). This cycle, I have already had one ultrasound (a baseline on cycle day 3 to ensure I have no cysts), I will have another one this coming Wednesday (CD 12), and he will determine based on what he sees if he will also prescribe a “trigger shot,” which is a medication that essentially forces the follicle to release the egg it is growing. Then, as soon as I know I am about to ovulate (either by trigger or by ovulation predictor tests done at home), off to the office we go.

Wow. Writing all that out makes it all seem so clinical. And, in all reality, it is. I think this is one of the biggest struggles of this stage of our journey, especially for Ben. Who imagines that they will conceive a child by “alternative” means? I mean, seriously. This child, if this is how God chooses to bless us, will be 100% me and Ben. But we won’t have any crazy conception story about one too many drinks, or a romantic weekend away, a forgotten birth control pill or anything like that. I know we are at this stage, but I’m not even sure I’ve fully accepted where we’re at.

Brand New...

Hey! I'm Jenny. I am a brand new blogger. I've never attempted this before because I've never felt like I would have interesting things to say, at least, interesting enough for others to want to read! Sure, I got great grades in English, and I feel like I'm a competent writer. But interesting? I guess we'll find out.

However, my husband Ben and I are currently on a journey in our life that has brought me to my knees, tested my faith, strengthened (and tested) our marriage, and one which I often have trouble processing. I suppose I begin to wonder if writing it all down will help. I also wonder if knowing that there are others out there who support us through this journey by reading, posting, or whatever that support means, will aid in the process.

You see, it's tricky navigating this journey, and it's difficult to ask for support. We don't usually like to bring it up, because, let's be honest, it's a downer. But, it's really so much harder to pretend like nothing is happening at all. This journey breaks my heart, and I've experienced pain, longing, and questioning like I've never felt in my life until now. Not only that, the Enemy is hard at work to tear down our faith in a time of uncertainty and unanswered questions. It's very hard to articulate these things to others. And it's also very, very hard to admit that it IS this difficult, and to ask for support.

Right now, we are an awesome team of two. But...we have been trying for over 18 months now to become a family of three. The (what feels like) horrific word and label has now been applied - infertility. I cry even as I admit in in writing. We've been tested. We've read books. We've seen a specialist. We've had our intimate life intruded upon, things that are supposed to be private are now public. I commit time everyday to this journey with temperature taking, and many other things that are a constant reminder of where we are at.

But the Lord is GOOD. He has placed some great resources in my life thanks to the ever expanding Internet that encourage and inspire me. I am reminded that there are other believers out there in the same time of life, the same struggles. He is always good. Even if I feel life is unfair, that we've been dealt a deck of cards that just don't add up right now, He is still good. It is a ginormous struggle to really believe that each and every day. Every moment of life.

I won't share too much else now, as this post may be too long for blogger etiquette (I really don't know about all that yet...). I will share one thing below, brought to me by a Girlfriends in God email devotional that I feel is a pretty accurate summary of me right now. But if you're reading, please pray for Ben & me. For these deep, deep longings, and for the everyday (yes, every single day) struggle this journey has brought. And stay tuned, as I'll be back to keep up this new adventure. Thanks for being here with me.

Based on the Scripture: Psalm 59:16 (NIV) "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble."

"Are you facing a circumstance that is much too big for you to handle? The deafening waves of doubt may be crashing around you, drowning out the promises of God. The unknown stretches before you and all you can see are the mistakes you have made and the opportunities you have missed. Fear has brought you to your knees and you are more desperate than you have ever been in your life. The questions far outnumber the answers. You cry alone in a darkness that is unlike any you have ever faced. You long to be understood and crave a love that accepts you just as you are in the midst of your fear and doubt.

I have great news for you, girlfriend! God sees you. He has not been caught off guard by the circumstances you face and where you are is no surprise to Him. In fact, God will take what the enemy means for evil and use it as the perfect setting for a miracle. You don't have to understand God to trust Him. Restoration and peace are His specialty. He will be your refuge and your strength. Right now, quietly turn to Him. He is waiting."