A New Year

If I'm honest - it's difficult to reflect on 2012.  It was such a big year.  One filled with so much change that it's hard to even remember January 6th, 2012, just one year ago.  Last January, we were being told that we had to complete extra steps to become approved to adopt.  My heart was broken and impatient about that.  We were celebrating one year in our new home.  And we continued to ache for a little baby to fill our arms, while trusting that God would provide.

Our approval came in February.  And waiting came in March.  Our anniversary came in May, and little did we know that it was the last that we'd spend as a family of two!  Our hearts were still impatient to meet the baby that God had chosen to be ours.  We started summer (the best time of year here), and then that moment came in July.

July 16th (Monday) - I had just called our caseworker to see if there was any news about our certification and if there was anything else we should be doing.  She left me a voicemail saying no updates, just be patient.  30 minutes later, my phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize.  (for months, any number I didn't recognize made my heart leap - NOT awesome during an election year)  I answered and it was a pregnancy worker from our agency.  I asked if this was a phone call I needed to take notes on, and she said yes.  I almost fainted at my desk.  I went into a private room, and took down all the details about Nora and her birthmom, and their situation (she was due August 22nd).  Ben had been at the dentist when I got the call, so I had to wait for him to call me back to share the news.  He drove to my office and we sat in his car, crying and praying.  This was 3:00, people.  I worked until 5!  I was going CRAZY at my desk.

July 17th - we called the caseworker back and said YES!  We wanted to move forward with the match.

July 23rd (Monday) - we got a call that Nora's birthmom would be induced the following Monday.  ONE WEEK away.  Just two weeks from the first phone call.

July 30th (Monday) - we met Nora's birthmom and her mom at the hospital and spent several hours getting to know them.

July 31st - Nora was born at 10:31 PM, and we got to meet her about 20 minutes later.  The most incredible moments of my life.  Purely indescribable.  As much as I've already forgotten about Nora's early months - I will NEVER forget this night.

August 3rd (Friday) - We brought Nora home, not knowing if she'd forever be in our family or not (see post here).  She became ours 2 weeks later and life will never be the same!

Since then, life has been a whirlwind of motherhood and discovering all that it means.  I've already forgotten so much about her early months.  It's difficult to remember what my days looked like when she was 2 months, 3 months old.  I've gone back to work, and even though I get to spend MOST of my time with my daughter - it's very different.

Nora's 5 months old now.  She weighs 15 pounds!  She's about to start solid foods.  She's rolling over.  She is the same little girl from 7/31, and at the same time she's not.

2013 will be a very different year in our house and I can't wait for every minute of it!

Infertility, Continued...

I mentioned in a lot of my posts, as we were preparing to adopt, that the infertility struggle will be a part of our forever story.  And now I really know it's true.  I cannot be clear enough that God mightily answered our prayers by gifting us with Nora.  And I could not be more thrilled to be a mom!  (more on that later)  It's the very role I've been desiring for over three years, and He filled my arms and we are SO grateful.  That's really an understatement.  It's like saying I'm grateful for the Cross.  Um, duh.  And words just can't express that.

But...there is still infertility in our life.  There are real moments where we wonder if Nora will be an only child.  And that is SO not the plan we had.  There are real moments of hope that someday God might open my womb and bless us with a biological child.  There are real moments of fear when I acknowledge that may NEVER happen.  There are real moments where I wonder if I have the strength to adopt again.  Ben would do it in a heartbeat.  I think he inherited that mystical amnesia that mothers who go through labor get (I've heard, anyway) - where the pain of the adoption and the unknown of those terrifying two weeks has disappeared from his mind.  But I haven't forgotten - those moments are still very new and fresh in my mind and heart.  Others who have adopted and have really smooth stories, where doubt never really crept in, and papers were signed the moment they were able to be, have given me those encouraging stories.  But my heart isn't ready for it again...and I don't know if it ever will be.  Not to mention the financial aspect.  Who knows if God will bless us to be financially able to do it again?

There's also been recent occasion for God to reveal to me that there are infertility wounds that have not healed.  With the adoption process, my heart and mind was so focused on that road and each next step - and of course, with the arrival of Nora - infertility had really left me alone for a while.  And now, I'm a mother!!!  My prayers and dreams have come true in a really incredible story.  For real - and the number of people that prayed with us and for us through this journey have SEEN GOD'S GLORY.  Praise Jesus!

But - there are still wounds.  They're different now - it's not remotely the same pain as the height of infertility.  But a friend of mine recently gave me the metaphor of a scab.  It's a wound that has healed over (absolutely true in the midst of the adoption and with the arrival of Nora).  But - one slight pick at that scab, and the wound feels fresh again.  What an accurate description.  I realized that I haven't grieved through the aches I have to be able to pee on a stick and see a positive result.  To have that incredibly traditional moment when I get to tell my husband we're pregnant.  To have the experience of telling family and friends in a really fun & exciting way.  Yes, we got to announce we were expecting through adoption, and we got to announce that Nora's birthmom chose us.  But everything is SO different through adoption.  The uncertainty and waiting just isn't the same, and one-time big announcements just aren't possible.  Baby showers - not the same.  Birth certificate - not the same.  First moments after birth - not the same.  And there are moments where I feel guilty that these things still hurt.  Because God answered my prayers, right?  Nora is ours and I'm a mother.  So what's the problem?  Well, the problem is that I've still got a scab.  And that scab hasn't scarred over yet and maybe never will.

But (and here's the really great but) - I know that the same God who walked with me through the last three and a half years will keep walking with me.  And will speak quietly to me in those painful moments.  And will help my heart be at peace with whatever the rest of our journey, the rest of our family will look like.

So - that's the honest truth.  :)  And here's my beautiful daughter.  Because again - none of this changes the JOY and GRATITUDE we have for the way God has grown our family, and the chance to be Nora's parents.

Adoption, Continued

So...adoption.  :)

There is so much to say that it's hard to know where to start...which is probably why I've been procrastinating all this time!  Here's a few highlights:

• It's been strange that Nora looks enough like Ben & me that we've really managed to avoid a lot of the weird adoption comments that the books prepare us for.  For example:  "How much did she cost?  Where are her real parents?", etc.
• Showing up at church with a baby is weird.  Lots of odd looks - lots of "I didn't even know you were pregnant!" comments.
• I never thought I could be so in love with someone so tiny, so immediately.
• Oh yes, there's still paperwork and agency stuff to be done.  We've already had a couple visits with the agency workers and there's still more to come as we work toward our final day in court.
• Our relationship with Nora's birthmother and her parents has, so far, been great!  

So, what about the good stuff?  Well...for starters...it's amazing to know that we've walked the exact road that God wanted us to be on.  All the really hard stuff = totally worth it.  I know everyone says that along the journey, but it's incredible to actually experience truth in that.  However, I don't want to downplay the hard parts either.  The 17 days that we knew Nora, when she was in our home for 14 of those days before the papers were signed...we fell head over heels in love with her.  She was ours - we cared for her, we fed her, diapered her, we knew her deeply in the middle of the night, and snuggled her like crazy.  But yet - she wasn't ours.  Her birthmom really, really struggled with the reality of her decision and it took much longer than usual for her to sign the papers.  Ben & I wondered if every moment would be our last with Nora.  It was torture, even though in each of those moments we prayed for the strength to love her and her birthmom NO MATTER WHAT.  But in those tiny seconds when I allowed myself to consider the possible reality of relinquishing our daughter - I could not function.  I couldn't do it.  We prayed through so many Psalms every night as we went to bed and I cried out to Jesus to give me the faith to believe I would praise him no matter what.  But it was a period of time where I hardly ate, and I hardly smiled.  This is the dark side of adoption.  The loss and grief that will happen regardless of the situation - the birthfamily and adoptive family will have its own version no matter the details.  And yet it's all for the glory of God.  And the glory of the beautiful child, who everyone loves so very much and we all are trying to make the best decisions for.

Anyway...there's more...but I'll get to it later.  I want to close by ensuring I state that there is SO MUCH JOY in adoption.  There is so much joy in the Father answering our prayers and placing our daughter (OUR DAUGHTER!) in our arms.  I will never gloss over the difficulties in both the infertility and adoption journeys, but I will also never hide how gracious HE is and what it's like to feel our dreams come true in this perfect little girl.

Our Nursery

So, one way we have been filling these waiting months was getting the nursery ready!  Everything is neutral, and I (as always) had lots of trouble making decisions so each step really took a while!  We painted about two months ago, because we knew that would be the one thing that would get immensely harder if we brought a little one home unexpectedly.  Then we put the office furniture back in.  :)

A couple weeks later, we decided to go for it and started all the other steps.  We put together the furniture we had bought from Craigslist a while ago.  We put on the bedding that Ben's mom lovingly had us pick out and purchased for us.  We bought the white curtains and Ben designed how they should be put up.  We got the chair we bought from Craigslist from our family in the nearby big city who were storing it since they picked it up.  My mother in law and I worked together on picking out the material for the chair cover and curtains...and I made the curtains!!  My first sewing feat as an adult, and I have to say, I'm quite proud! :)  This past weekend, the tree branch decals we bought finally came in the mail and Ben & I spent a good 3 hours putting them up (that was way harder than I expected).  So, now, here's the finished product!!!

The room to the left as you walk in.

The room looking in from the chair corner

We love having it all put together, and now it feels like such a real place when we pray in here for our birthmom and baby to come...  And now...we WAIT some more.  :)

Agony? Or am I overreacting?

Alright - so, we're still waiting.  I would love to say that I've managed to recently connect to Jesus in a deeper way in this, to cling to His plan and know in my deepest parts that it's the best possible plan.  Unfortunately, my eyes keep wandering and really, I've just been in agony.  I worry, I plot, I prepare some more, and I hang onto the sliver of hope for dear life.  Each day gets so much harder.  Each waiting family with our agency we see get matched and be blessed with the little one meant for them is like a tiny stab to my heart.  I am continuing to see milestones pass that I once looked ahead to and thought, "Of course we'll have our little one by then!".  And my heart aches.  And aches and aches and aches.

But, this morning, I was listening to a CD put together by my best friend, who has faithfully led a small group of women in a wonderful Bible study over the last year plus.  We had a worship night quite some time ago, and she gave us each a CD of the songs we listened to and worshiped with that night.  On it is a song that this gal's husband vulnerably shared with Ben & I just a few months ago.  It was hard for me to hear it then as a reminder of the possibility of where my heart could actually be in faith, and it's still hard now.  But it's an incredible reminder that our trust in Him CANNOT be circumstantial.  Our trust and rejoicing has to be based in what He did for us. 

Please, Jesus, help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me live these words (the entire song is below):

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Listen here

The Desert Song

Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Waiting

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14

So...we're still waiting.  :)  It's been almost 3 months exactly, and so far hasn't felt terribly long (praise the Lord!).  

We did have a chance to talk with our case worker this week to ask some questions about where we stand.  We were told that we have been shown (via our matchletter) to several prospective birthmothers/families, but not yet chosen.  We asked about where we stand on the "openness" scale of waiting families with our agency, based on the choices we made months ago about  the things we're open to - and she said we're pretty average.  We also noted how many families are currently waiting - there are 39 matchletters on the agency's website right now (9 of whom have an "on hold" status, meaning they've been tentatively matched or have stepped out of the process temporarily).  That is a LOT of families.  So we asked her about that, and she did say it's a very high number for them - but, they are also experiencing a much higher than average level of birthfamily traffic.  Which makes sense - in the 3 months we've been waiting, we've seen countless families already go on hold and then disappear from the website.

All that to say, we still have no news, but are fervently praying it happens soon - before impatience can sink in.  :)  It's also hard because the longer the wait gets, the easier it is to question our "openness" choices, or our matchletter itself.  That's not a bad thing - it's good our minds are brought back to it so we can go before the Lord and open our hearts to anything He has to say about them.  But, it is very very hard.

A very dear friend shared the Psalm below with me late the other night...and it certainly spoke to our need to trust in Jesus with whole hearts, to trust in His salvation first and foremost, and always.

But I pray to you, Lord,

in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God,

answer me with your sure salvation.

Psalm 69:13

What Now?!!

So - the most frequent question I get asked these days is "so, any updates"??  I think there will come a day when I dread this question, but praise Jesus so far - it doesn't bother me!

We are in the "waiting" stage!  What this means is that we are suspended in a bizarre time of having NO IDEA what's to come.  :)  Here's a couple scenarios we have to attempt to be ready for:

1. We get a phone call telling us that birthmom/birthparents have chosen us!  She is 6-9 months along and would like to have a match meeting.  Everything goes amazingly and we walk together through the rest of the pregnancy.  Birthmom gives birth, the requisite time passes, paperwork is signed, and we bring baby home and start living a new life as parents and continuing getting to know Birthmom.
2. Same scenario as above, but at birth Birthmom has a change of heart and chooses to parent and we trust that God has amazing plans with each step we take.
3. We get a phone call telling us that a Birthmom has given birth, and there's a baby at such 'n such hospital, and come on down!!!!
4. About 800 other things we couldn't possibly plan for!!!

In the meantime, we walk a really fine line between getting prepared like the phone call is coming tomorrow, and knowing that this could take several months.  So far, we've looked at paint colors for the nursery, and bought a couple of really cute clothing items.  We have looked at the parenting classes at the local hospital to see which one(s) we should take.  And we have had lots of amazingly thoughtful, incredible offers for showers - to each of which we've replied, "we're not sure when we should do that!".  

We have, however, received a couple of really thoughtful things, which has been wonderful!!!  We got congratulations cards from a couple of wonderful friends.  A work acquaintance gave us a copy of her kids and grandkids' favorite book.  But the most exciting one, you ask?  Ben's Aunt Peggy (of Aunt Peggy & Uncle Walter from Prince Edward Island - LOVE these people) is a monster knitter.  She has made all of us beautiful afghans for our weddings, and since has made lots of gorgeous baby blankets.  As you can imagine, I've dreamed of receiving one of these for a LONG time.  Well...my dream just came true!  They're here visiting for a short time, and she presented us with this AMAZING gift - and believe me when I say I started crying the instant I saw her holding a gift bag!!!

Avoidance

Well, I think I've been avoiding a few things.

I've been avoiding writing any news because I wanted to write with good news.  And it just hasn't come.

I've been avoiding writing because it's February.  This month marks 3 years since Ben & I chose to start a journey of growing our family.  A journey we NEVER could have predicted would look like this 3 years later.  While the ups & downs of the infertility journey have somewhat subsided - each month still hurts a little.  Pregnancy announcements still hurt.  Growing bellies are joy for their owners - yet for me, painful reminders at the failings of my own body.  And knowing it's been 3 years is simply surreal.  Infertility and adoption are not separate.  Infertility and parenthood will not be separate.  There are no cures, no answers, no easy fixes for it.  It is a journey we may walk every day for the rest of our lives. While I'm not in the same place in the infertility journey I was a year ago (PRAISE JESUS, He's already worked on healing so much with this, helping me to grieve so much), the reality is that it's still a journey we continue to be on.

But above all else - I've been avoiding the humble reality of facing truth in lack of trust.  The day in December I last posted, my world felt like it fell apart.  About a month later, our agency asked us to complete additional steps - hard steps - in order to reconsider their decision of not approving us in December, and the world crumbled a little more.  Both of those moments should have been the first moment my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and arms reached out to Jesus and allowed trust and peace to flood my entire being.  Instead, I panicked.  I hurt.  I cried.  I worried.  I attempted to exert any control I thought I could.  And the two months since that day have been...well...indescribable.

Proverbs 13:12 - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  This whole journey has felt like hope deferred.  But two months ago, fleshly hope was tangible.  This is why I feel like my heart hurts so much in this journey, when that wonderful outcome of approval slipped away.

However, Rom 5:3-5 - "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured our into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."  This is what I WANT to feel in my heart, and humbly ask you to help me ask Jesus for this to become my everyday reality.  To move from feeling like adoption "will be" an amazing road once there's resolution, and instead feel like adoption "IS" an amazing road, if not for any other reason than this is where God has us.  To hope now because Christ died on the cross and nothing else changes that.  And to hope forward, to the wonderful, handmade, blessing of a child that God will place into our family.

All this to say - there's no news yet.  And my heart is in a state of flux, sometimes human and worrying and hurting, sometimes having brief glimpses of hope, faith, and trust.

The Continued Unknown

We felt closure within our grasp...and then it slipped quietly away.

We were presented to the entire team of case workers at our agency on Thursday (12/15) for approval to be certified and have our match letter placed in the books and on the website (which marks the true waiting season, as once this happens, placement could theoretically happen ANY TIME, but the average is anywhere from 3 months to a year). 

We called our case worker just before 5, because she hadn't contacted us with the results.  We expected a positive report, and news that we'd be in the books the very next day because after our final meeting, she had let us know that she had no concerns.

Instead, we were told that we are not approved right now.  That the team has concerns about my family history and working with birth families and the unpredictability of the possible situations we may work with, and we're not 100% sure what our next steps are.  We feel pretty devastated - this isn't what we were expecting...at all.  Actually, that's an understatement.  We are thankful to have Godly people in our lives who are continuing to remind us that God's plan reigns supreme...  But right now...our hearts are broken and hurting, and we're just plain confused.

Waiting

If you haven't already assumed - so much of our journey is defined by waiting.  Waiting each month while experiencing infertility to see if all our efforts paid off with a positive test.  Waiting for test results, all to be told nothing's medically identifiable as a reason.  Waiting for God to clarify whether further infertility treatments or adoption was our route.  Waiting for classes to be scheduled for us to be able to attend.  Waiting for classes to be rescheduled for us to attend.  Waiting for our paperwork to be processed.  Waiting for our home study to begin, and waiting for each appointment to take place.  That's where we are now.  Once our last appointment is completed this Thursday, we'll wait to find out if we will make the December meeting for presentation to the team, then we will wait to find out if we are approved for certification.  Once we're approved, and our match letter is in place - we will begin the wait for placement - for the phone call that will tell us that God has finally identified the child we will hopefully bring home.  We may wait for the birth of that child.  We will wait for the consent paperwork to be signed.  We will wait for our official day in court - when all will be 100% finalized.

That's a lot of waiting.

A dear friend of mine shared this blog post, by Adam R. Holz, (find the article here) with me recently.  I wanted to share it with you, because it's a great commentary on our journey of waiting, with the most relevant reminder.  It's not long, stick with it!

This week marks the first week of Advent. Now, before I married a Presbyterian, I confess I’d never really given Advent much of a thought. Oh, I knew that it had to do with looking forward to Jesus’ birth, but I didn’t know much more about it than that, really. Now, however, I’m a part of a church and a tradition that deliberately observes this joyous season in the liturgical calendar. For Presbyterians (as well as many Catholics, Anglicans, Lutherans and Methodists), the four weeks before Christmas are a season full of expectation as we look forward to celebrating the birth of the Christ child.

Because Advent is by its very nature a time of waiting, I think it offers a ready-made opportunity to ponder where our hearts are at and what they’re hoping and waiting for. And no matter where we’re at in life, we’re almost always waiting and hoping for something.

When I was young, the Christmas season was a time of agonizing, tormenting waiting. My Grandma Roberts was always extraordinarily conscientious about her Christmas shopping. Sometimes she had it all done by the end of October. As soon as Halloween was over, her Christmas tree went up. And underneath it sat all those presents for the grandkids, lovingly wrapped. I remember many, many years looking longingly at the gifts with my name on them — waiting and hoping she’d gotten me what I asked for. Each year, it seemed, my heart fixated on something that would, I thought, make my world complete, whether it was a Minolta Weathermatic A underwater camera or Coleco Electronic Quarterback or Kenner’s exquisite Millennium Falcon. (All of which, I just checked, are actually available on eBay right now. Hmmm…)

As I got older, my desires morphed and grew. Looking back at the last 20 years or so, from 20ish to 40ish, it seems as if the young adult years in particular are absolutely packed with waiting and longing. Indeed, much of what we hope for the most in life seems to get concentrated in a few short (or long!) years during our young adult pilgrimage.

We wait to find out if we’ve been accepted to the college we want. As those years zoom by, we begin to look forward with hopeful expectation to life in the “real world” with a “real job.” We wait for a spouse. Then kids. Then the desperate desire for those little ones to sleep through the night (which has been my own personal waiting crucible for the last five years). Then we wait to save up for a home big enough to hold us all.

For many of us, young adulthood is defined by those overlapping cycles of waiting and hoping. We’ve barely reached one milestone when our desires shift and we plunge into the next season of praying and longing. I’ll never forget one friend in college who longed to be married with every fiber of her being. Her hopes were fulfilled after we graduated, and very soon it became apparent that she yearned for children with the same intensity that she’d hoped for marriage. But she would face many years of infertility — and deep struggles with contentment — before that hope was granted as well. Her story illustrates how our young adult years can be a dizzying time of hopes continually deferred … even as some of them are fulfilled.

Which brings me back to the subject and season of Advent.

As I mentioned above, I think Advent offers us a perfect opportunity to entrust those churning movements of our hearts to God. After all, it’s a season in which we ponder what God set in motion with the birth of a tiny babe, a little person who would change everything … but not quite yet. Advent is by definition a season of anticipation and expectation.

As we move into Advent, what is your soul yearning for? God assures us that He knows the tender spots in our hearts. Amazingly, He actually waits for us to pour out the desires of our hearts to Him.

For what it’s worth, I don’t know that I’m much better at waiting at the age of 41 than I was back when Grandma Roberts lovingly tortured me with presents under the tree when I was young. I don’t like not having what I want. But I think it’s in these seasons that God does remarkable work in souls, showing us things about our own character and His that we might not have learned any other way.

Likewise, Advent reminds us that God brings all things to fulfillment at the proper time … and that we can trust Him with the desires of our hearts.
 

Amen Adam.  Thanks for sharing!

National Adoption Month

So - November is National Adoption Month!  I've loved it because I am hearing about adoption all over the place - I feel like Focus on the Family's broadcasts have been adoption focused every time I turn on the radio.  Specifically, today is National Adoption Day.  Our agency was probably pretty darn busy, as many families wait until National Adoption Day to finalize their adoptions in court (this usually takes around 6 months after consents are signed, so many simply wait for this special day).  It's a really big deal in Maricopa county - the courthouse area is a literal fair with bounce houses, food, and all kinds of stuff for adoptive families to come and enjoy while they celebrate.

It's interesting to be right smack in the middle of our certification process during this month.  It's a paradigm because this month is huge for celebration - yet, we are in the midst of what I *hope* is the hardest thing we ever do after infertility (yes, I, too, am sure I just jinxed it).  It's hard to explain this process.  I think one of the easiest cliches is that we constantly feel like "we're under the microscope."  We know that God is honoring the deepest desire of our hearts for parenthood through adoption - and we are truly beyond excited that He's guiding us through this journey.  But you have to understand that so many people just get to be parents - even unintentionally in lots of cases.  For us to be parents, we've gone through the valley of incredible pain.  We've been fingerprinted.  Exposed.  Investigated.  We have had the most intimate, vulnerable aspects of our life brought to light.  Our insecurities uncovered and delved into.  We know it is worth it.  And we know God is in control.  But our human moments get the best of us sometimes.  And we feel defensive, and even discouraged sometimes.  And the journey's hardly started!

We have what might be our last visit this Monday in Phoenix, for our infertility grief assessment.  They may choose for us to take their newer personality test, and if that's the case we'll have another appointment sometime to go over the results from that.  We take each step in faith and with confidence that God's got us!!!  We always assumed we would be certified and waiting before the year ended - but we're learning early that (yes, again and as always) our plans are not God's plans!

In the meantime, we covet your prayers for peace and patience - and for our excitement and trust to overwhelm anything else that comes up.  We know that there's so much more unknown to come - we need the Lord to help us through it!!

Happy National Adoption Month - hopefully, and prayerfully, our last one without children!!!

Adoption Education

Okay...so I promised a while back that I would write about some of the things we've learned SO FAR through our adoption journey - adoption language, open adoption, adoption not being plan "B", the fact that adoption does NOT replace the pain of infertility, etc.

So, first up - positive adoption language (see a great summary article here).

Here's a few words/phrases that I never realized were hurtful or inaccurate until I started really learning about adoption:

1. "real parents" - our child will have birth parents (or, biological parents), but we will be their real parents, the ones making everyday parenting decisions, providing for him/her, the ones raising him/her (we're not imaginary, as opposed to "real")
2. "giving up a child for adoption" - our agency uses the word "placement".  The birthparents in our special situation will choose to place their child - an extremely painful, courageous choice.  
3. "she's going to keep it" - if, in the end, God leads a birth mother/parents to have a change of heart, she is choosing to parent, instead of choosing to place.

I hope this helps!  These terms have already become a completely natural part of our vocabulary, and I hope they will for you, too.

Progress...

It's official!  We're on our way toward becoming parents!  We have completed one visit so far, and the next is scheduled for 10/28!!  Here's what we have to accomplish before being certified:
1.  Visit in nearby small town (2 appointments - each individual interview) - DONE
2.  Visit in nearby small town (1 appointment - genogram) - 10/28
3.  Visit in our small town (2 appointments - home visit & results of our personality tests) - TBD
4.  Visit in nearby big city (2 appointments - infertility counseling & new personality test results) - TBD

In the meantime, we're still creating our match letter and are SO excited to be on this journey!   We're trying very hard not to create expectations about timelines...we figure, if we don't create expectations, we can't be disappointed.  :)  Plus, this line of thinking helps us all the more to remember it's God's timing and not our own that will guide this process.

If you would like, we'd like to invite each of you to be praying for our birthparents and child.  It's amazing, as I've begun praying this way, the things that God is choosing to reveal...  For example, earlier on in the infertility journey, I have a very dear friend that would remind me, often when a new cycle would start - "God knows the EXACT sperm and egg that will meet to create your child."  And she's right - just because it's not my egg and Ben's sperm - this is still our child!!!!  And we are praying for him or her, and for the parents that will courageously choose to place them into our arms.

Much love,
Jenny

We're Adopting!!!

Okay - so it's been quite the journey already - to get to this point where we can actually utter these words!!!  We know that, for some time, our language has been more like "we are pretty sure," or "we think this is the direction we're going, but we don't know for sure," or some other variant.  But, before we left for Scotland, we submitted our completed paperwork application because we felt confirmation from the Lord that this in fact our path.  God's story in our lives is something we never could have predicted or dreamed up.  When we got married over four years ago, we had no idea this is where we would go.  And now, we're so thrilled to have begun praying for our adoptive child, and also for the birthmother and family.

While we were gone, the agency started reviewing our file, and even sent our references their forms.  We expect a call early next week to start scheduling our home study - but as we have to remind ourselves - nothing about this journey is really predictable or controllable.  Soon, I hope to write about some of the things we learned about in our classes - adoption language, open adoption, adoption not being "plan B", the fact that adoption does NOT replace the pain of infertility, etc...  We are so happy that you are choosing to walk this journey with us by reading along!

In the meantime, our task is to start our match letter.  This is the letter that will go on the agency's website and into books in pregnancy centers throughout the state.  WOW!  We're moving forward!!!

We're adopting!!!!  (gotta get used to saying that - we're SO excited!)

The Journey

So - updates!!!

We have lots to talk about...  First, we are moving forward on the adoption journey!!!  The first part is completing the paperwork, which we are doing in faith as we continue to search our hearts for any closed doors from the Lord.  The agency we are working with is 100% all about open adoption - which for us, is one of the pieces we hesitate about, but certainly doesn't deter us from pursuing this.  If you want to know more about open adoption, I'd be happy to share all we've learned!  (If I shared everything we experienced in our classes here, it would be WAY too long)  All in all, we feel very excited about this journey and the story that God is weaving.  That's not to say that the infertility journey is "solved" or that we aren't still grieving our inability to have biological children right now (this is seriously a whole nother post on its own - maybe I'll get there soon).  But God is helping our hearts move forward in anticipation of His Great Plan.

Second, we leave in ONE WEEK for our vacation to SCOTLAND!!!!  We are so excited to have this getaway.  It will be time to be together, to focus on us, to be away from work, and see more of God's beautiful creation that we've never experienced.

So,in the meantime, we have indeed been working diligently to complete our paperwork package for the adoption agency before we leave, and we're pretty much done!!!  After fingerprints, 180 question personality tests (taken twice each!), physicals, about a billion pages of things to read and sign, a 26 page Word form of narrative questions, completing a budget, getting photocopies of birth and marriage certificates, and tax forms, it's completed!  I still have to work on getting certified copies of our birth/marriage certificates (needed for the formal certification request), and starting to dream about writing a match letter, but this first piece is just about ready for Fed-Exing, along with our first home study/certification fee check. 

So - the next steps, you say??  Well, they're honestly a bit fuzzy to me, but I'll outline it the best I can.  Once our package is received and given a once-over by the adoption supervisor, our case worker will schedule 4 visits with us: one is a home visit at our house, which will be coupled with one of our 1:1 meetings with her (since she has to travel two hours to come here).  Then, another 1:1 meeting, and one additional meeting that I don't know the purpose of or location for (I just can't remember - it was May that we talked about this).  Then, the last pre-placement step is getting our match letter (this is the initial tool that prospective birth mothers/families use to choose the family they want to place with) on their website and in the books around Arizona at pregnancy centers.  Writing and putting that together seems really intimidating, so I'm glad we have some time.  Finally, once the letter is out there, we have to expect placement (and placement payment - the biggest chunk of the fees) ANYTIME, but the average is about 3 months-1 year.

Phew.  That's a lot!

Days Gone By

Phew.  It does surprise me sometimes how how it's been since I have written anything here.

Our first adoption class is less than a week away, and we'll travel to the nearby big city on Friday for our introduction.  Classes are this Friday-Saturday, and then again on the 26th-27th.  We are looking forward to a time of being overwhelmed by information, and hopefully opening our hearts and minds to exactly what God has for us.  It's been a long time coming - the adoption packet has been sitting in our kitchen drawer since May, waiting for an opportunity to learn more...

It's a little bit scary.  It's a little bit awesome.  It's a little bit...well...like God's game and not ours.

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.  For in just a very little while,
      'He who is coming will come and will live by faith.  And if he shrinks back, I will not be
       pleased with him.'
But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
HEBREWS 10:35-39

Twists and Turns

Well, there are (it seems) a lot of times where life sure doesn't work out the way we plan.

The classes we were supposed to take in the weekend version with the agency we have been looking into were cancelled due to low enrollment.  So, instead of experiencing several hours of adoption classes this weekend, we are home and experiencing a lot of questions.

The Lord is gracious - we don't feel angry, frustrated, or upset.  We really are just confused.  So many thoughts run through our minds.  We found out on Monday that they "may" be cancelled but weren't told until yesterday (Friday - first day of the class) that they were cancelled for sure.  First, I (of course) was experiencing my period starting a bit late due to prescription progesterone - but a couple days later than usual - and so here I was thinking...maybe the classes are being cancelled because I'm pregnant!!!  No such luck.  And then - all the other questions start flooding in.  Was this a closed door?  Are we not supposed to dive into getting more information?  What on earth is happening?  What do we do??

The agency has started looking into video conferencing for the classes, and the next round of 7 Tuesday classes in the Big City start August 9th (which seems years away), but they have no idea if they can be up and running by then to allow us to attend from home.  They also have weekend classes in the same format in July in Tucson, but we'll be in Canada during the first set.

So...we have no idea what's going on or where to go from here.  We'd love your prayers for discernment, wisdom, and peace.

Baby Steps (Pardon the Pun)

So, in line with a couple of years of not having any inclination that we would have ever been in this place, the feeling is fresh yet again.

Several weeks ago, Ben & I took a long focused weekend to pray and fast about the next steps in our infertility journey.  We asked four couples near and dear to us to come alongside us and each took one day to bathe us in prayer.  Right around the same time, I got two very unrelated and just as unexpected referrals to talk to friends/family of friends via email about their adoption experiences.  Both of these couples adopted very recently, and both through the same Christian agency in the Big City that I've mentioned before, which is about two hours away.  After this focused weekend, neither Ben nor I had any magnificent revelations.  However, we did both feel a very strong tug to start looking into adoption.  We put on hold any plans to look into a Big City fertility center and instead explore this nebulous and intimidating thing called adoption, and in particular, this adoption agency.

We requested information from this agency, read through it carefully, and decided that we wanted to take their series of classes, which are required of anyone going through their agency.  We were hungry for more information, and found out they are running the classes in two Fri-Sat sessions in a smaller city in June.  This is a great alternative to their normal Tuesdays from 6-9 in the Big City.  We communicated our desire to attend, and were told we would have to have an initial consultation before being allowed to.  We were already going to be heading down to Big City for our anniversary weekend, and I called to see if there was any way we could meet with someone the Friday we were coming down (a mere 3 days from that phone call), and miraculously, it worked out.

It was, easily, one of the most interesting 1.5 hours of my life.  The first part was our case worker asking us LOTS of questions.  Then, she walked us through every single step and piece of paper involved in getting ready to put our match letter into their book and books in pregnancy centers around the Big City. Wow.  So. Much. Information.  Anyhow - the moral of that story is that we walked away feeling a little overwhelmed and knowing we had a lot to think about.  We signed and sent our check for the June classes, which will be on June 10-11 and 24-25.  We look forward to absorbing more, and delving deeper into this world.

As we move forward, we vulnerably ask for your prayers for wisdom.  For discernment.  For clarity.  We want this to be God's story - not ours.