Today is the Day

So - our pastor has been teaching us through the story of Elijah in 1Kings and 2 Kings.  There's so much about his story that I identify with.  Elijah never imagined (or so I would think) that he would go head to head with Ahab, or toe to toe with 850 false prophets.  But God clearly used him, had a plan, and knew exactly what he was taking Elijah to and through.  I never thought we would be infertile.  I never, EVER, imagined we would be adopting.  But God has us here.  Right??  We have to rest in that truth.  We have to.

Today, we also sang "Today is the Day" by Lincoln Brewster (you can listen here.)  Oh my.  The words in bold just touch my heart and bring me to my knees.  We recently had our 2nd adoption visit, and it wasn't the smoothest feeling appointment in the world.  We have some lingering feelings of discouragement, but again HAVE to know that God is in this with us, that he has us here for a reason, and he gives us each day as a gift.

I'm casting my cares aside

I'm leaving my past behind

I'm setting my heart and mind on You 

Jesus

I'm reaching my hand to Yours

Believing theres so much more 

Knowing that all You have in store for me is good

Is good

Today is the day You have made

I will rejoice and be glad in it

Today is the day You have made

I will rejoice and be glad in it

And I won't worry about tomorrow

I'm trusting in what You say

Today is the day

I putting my fears aside

I'm leaving my doubts behind

I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You

Jesus

I'm reaching my hand to Yours

Believing there's so much more 

Knowing that all You have in store for me is good

Is good

Finally, we recently did a 25 mile hike in 48 hours to Havasupai and back in the Grand Canyon, with our two best friends.  It's an incredible place, the photo below is just a tiny slice of this heavenly place that sits right in the middle of the desert.

The Journey

So - updates!!!

We have lots to talk about...  First, we are moving forward on the adoption journey!!!  The first part is completing the paperwork, which we are doing in faith as we continue to search our hearts for any closed doors from the Lord.  The agency we are working with is 100% all about open adoption - which for us, is one of the pieces we hesitate about, but certainly doesn't deter us from pursuing this.  If you want to know more about open adoption, I'd be happy to share all we've learned!  (If I shared everything we experienced in our classes here, it would be WAY too long)  All in all, we feel very excited about this journey and the story that God is weaving.  That's not to say that the infertility journey is "solved" or that we aren't still grieving our inability to have biological children right now (this is seriously a whole nother post on its own - maybe I'll get there soon).  But God is helping our hearts move forward in anticipation of His Great Plan.

Second, we leave in ONE WEEK for our vacation to SCOTLAND!!!!  We are so excited to have this getaway.  It will be time to be together, to focus on us, to be away from work, and see more of God's beautiful creation that we've never experienced.

So,in the meantime, we have indeed been working diligently to complete our paperwork package for the adoption agency before we leave, and we're pretty much done!!!  After fingerprints, 180 question personality tests (taken twice each!), physicals, about a billion pages of things to read and sign, a 26 page Word form of narrative questions, completing a budget, getting photocopies of birth and marriage certificates, and tax forms, it's completed!  I still have to work on getting certified copies of our birth/marriage certificates (needed for the formal certification request), and starting to dream about writing a match letter, but this first piece is just about ready for Fed-Exing, along with our first home study/certification fee check. 

So - the next steps, you say??  Well, they're honestly a bit fuzzy to me, but I'll outline it the best I can.  Once our package is received and given a once-over by the adoption supervisor, our case worker will schedule 4 visits with us: one is a home visit at our house, which will be coupled with one of our 1:1 meetings with her (since she has to travel two hours to come here).  Then, another 1:1 meeting, and one additional meeting that I don't know the purpose of or location for (I just can't remember - it was May that we talked about this).  Then, the last pre-placement step is getting our match letter (this is the initial tool that prospective birth mothers/families use to choose the family they want to place with) on their website and in the books around Arizona at pregnancy centers.  Writing and putting that together seems really intimidating, so I'm glad we have some time.  Finally, once the letter is out there, we have to expect placement (and placement payment - the biggest chunk of the fees) ANYTIME, but the average is about 3 months-1 year.

Phew.  That's a lot!

How Can I Keep From Singing

This is the last portion of Chris Tomlin's "How Can I Keep From Singing", which we sung in church a few weeks ago.  As I read these words on the screen, and as they started to come out of my mouth - I was struck by an incredible, overwhelming desire to truly believe, and mean them.

I can sing in the troubled times

Sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord

When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath

Sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels

And the saints around the throne

how can I keep from singing your praise 

how can I ever say enough, how amazing is your love 

how can I keep from shouting your name 

I know I am loved by the king and it makes my heart want to sing

We're about to leave for Canada, for Ben's family reunion.  I'm really excited - I love visiting Ontario.  This will be my third time, but the first with all of his brothers, and the first time with all the new grandkids.  Again - I'm truly excited (not only for a much needed break from work) for time with this wonderful family.  But I am a little worried, too.  When kids are around, they're the focus - it's just the way it is.  I worry about my heart.  My husband is incredible, already thinking about ways for us to be away, to have a break if needed.  But I'd covet your prayers!  We leave Friday night, and come back on the 25th.  Off we go, eh!!!

Come to Me

A couple weeks ago, my Pastor shared a sermon based on Psalm 77 and Matthew 11:28-30.  When hearing Psalm 77, I think it's a natural reaction to be surprised that such language is even in the Bible (verses 7-9):

"Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor again?

Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?

Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

I felt as though I was kindred spirit to Asaph, the one who uttered these words.  My heart - so broken and torn to pieces at some points along this road less traveled, spurns questions like these.  He poured out his honest questions, a result of his brokenness and humanity.  And drawing it back to Matthew, the Bible points out that Jesus is ready.  He's ready for the broken heart, the honest questions.  He is ready to offer rest for the soul.  

Here's a couple more quotes from Hannah's Hope:

"Bitterness is described in Hebrews as a root that defiles the soul, causing us to miss the grace of God.  Nothing chokes out peace faster.  Intense marah was deeply rooted within my heart for a long time.  I felt raw, weighed down, constantly rubbed in the wrong direction. I was disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, and even myself." (pg. 102)

"While I demanded the joy of motherhood, I never stopped to consider how it would break my heart to be rejected by my child in the way I was treating the Lord."  (pg. 104)

BUT - then Asaph REMEMBERS.  He remembers the Lord's mighty deeds, his power and authority over all elements.   But what an incredible example he provides of how to not complain for complaint's sake (verses 13-15):

"Your ways, God, are holy.

What god is as great as our God?

You are the God who performs miracles;

you display your power among the peoples.

With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, 

the descendants of Jacob and Joseph"

And here's a final quote from the book for this post:

"God has a plan that is better than anything I can imagine.  He knows the ultimate purpose of each ingredient He allows to flavor my life.  As bitter as His recipe may seem, God can make it good, accomplishing His great purpose."  (pg. 105)