Lay Me Down

In church a couple weeks ago, we sang a new song called "Lay Me Down".  It's by Chris Tomlin, and I just LOVED it.  (You can hear it and see lyrics here)

With this heart open wide
From the depths from the heights
I will bring a sacrifice
With these hands lifted high
Hear my song, hear my cry
I will bring a sacrifice
I will bring a sacrifice

[Chorus:]
I lay me down I’m not my own
I belong to you alone
Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart this much is true
There’s no life apart from you
Lay me down, lay me down
Lay me down, lay me down

Letting go of my pride
Giving up all my rights
Take this life and let it shine
Take this life and let it shine

[Chorus:]
I lay me down I’m not my own
I belong to you alone
Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart this much is true
There’s no life apart from you
Lay me down, lay me down
Lay me down, lay me down

[Bridge:]
It will be my joy to say Your will Your way
It will be my joy to say Your will Your way
It will be my joy to say Your will Your way always

"One Light Still Shines"

So, by chance, I picked up a book called "One Light Still Shines" at the public library a couple weeks ago.  It's an autobiographical story written by Marie Roberts Monville, the wife of Chuck Roberts, the perpetrator of the 2006 Amish schoolhouse shooting/suicide.  She tells the story, not of the shooting itself, but of her family's life after it happened.  (Also embedded is her life story, growing up, marriage, etc.)  This was a mind-boggling story of faith in the God who created us, and the God we serve. 

This excerpt spoke brilliantly, and reminded me who our God is, and why we worship no matter what. 
"'Worship me, Marie,' his Word called to me.  'Just worship.'  At first it was hard to worship through pain, but slowly I began to come, sit, and worship from my place of broken dreams, my place of doubt and despair.  Sometimes I sang out loud, sometimes I sat quietly, focusing my heart on recounting his goodness and allowing it to spill over with gratitude, despite my grief.  The voice that 'spoke' within me provided guidance in the fertile ground of my surrender, and I felt a new heart-connection with my God like I had never known."

If this woman, who could do this after losing her husband, and life as she knew it, in the worst way imaginable, then I needed to rethink my worship of the Lord, my questioning of His plan for our life, and remember that He alone is my victory.

I encourage you to read this book!

5 Years

I realize I've fallen off the face of the blogosphere planet...  My apologies for that, you one or two readers who might still occasionally check to see if there's a new post.

Mostly, I've been really enjoying life.  I have been so blessed with a wonderful home, an amazing husband, an incredible part time job, and a most precious and awesome daughter...and life has been going a million miles a second.

There's been a lot of moments over the last year or so where I've been struck by a lot of things infertility-related.  I really meant to write a post about Mother's Day...and didn't.  I really meant to write a post about the holidays and infertility...and I didn't.  I really meant to write a few posts about infertility after receiving the blessing of a child...and didn't.

Mostly, if I'm honest, I often try to stuff the complexity of infertility deep down in my soul, where even God can't find it (yeah, right).  God gave me the child I so deeply desired for so long, so why should I want for more?  Well, who knows if I should or shouldn't, but I do.  I have a deep longing for another child to join our family (and not to have to undergo another intrusive, difficult, but beautiful adoption process for it to happen).  I desire for Nora to NOT be an only child.  I LONG to be pregnant.  I desire to get to parent another infant.  And I wish to have answers. 

But as of right now, none of these things are happening.  And it's February.  This is our FIVE YEAR anniversary since we started trying to have a baby.  Five years.  Really?!  Man - that is just the weirdest reality I think I've ever had to face. And let's be honest...maybe I'm not facing it at all.

ONE YEAR OLD!

Okay, for real.  I can't believe this time has come and gone.  Is Nora really a year old??  Has it really been just over twelve months since we got the phone call that would change our lives in incredible ways??  It's just plain surreal...

Eleven Months!

So sorry I disappeared!!  I had really wanted to write something super eloquent about Mother's Day from the "infertile" perspective but struggled A LOT with that.  So then I just kind of gave up writing altogether...

Here's the chalkboard pic from Nora's 11 months, which was quite a while ago!

Double Digits

Well, as you can see...she's TEN months old!  And a whole new little lady at that.  She's crawling EVERYWHERE and has become quite the little troublemaker!  She can be quite clumsy so we've also entered a new stage of head bonks and other owies too.  She is babbling consonant sounds all the time, says "bye" a lot, and is developing the most incredible problem solving and other mental abilities.  It's hard to believe we're so close to the end of her first year...

NINE months! (really??!!)

My precious baby is NINE months old (well, closer to 10 than 9 now that I waited so long to post this)!!  I cannot believe it.

She's becoming less baby and more toddler everyday and I'm in such awe of how she learns new things everyday.  I'm also in denial about how fast time is moving and that I'll be throwing her 1st birthday party much sooner than I can handle. :)

Whoah...

Um, when does time disappear?  Surely that can't really happen...  But here I am two months late in posting Nora updates!!!  7 months was a WHILE ago!

I Will Always Come

So - I've realized in life that I continually struggle with chasms between expectations and reality.  It's a gigantic weakness of mine.  For example - I will sit down with my weekly calendar, writing down all possible expected events and things to get done.  Then I will stare at it and get really (REALLY) worried about how little time there is to do it all.  Then, that week happens and I realize that we totally have time to have friends over for dinner.  And I totally have time to get a couple random projects done (that weren't on the list).  And certainly, I can make it to the Y for a workout.  And, of course I have time for a walk or playdate with a friend.  Yes, I can make my 19 hours of work WORK for our family.

AND REPEAT.  Sincerely.  This happens EVERY week.  I have never learned to remember that there's approximately 16 waking hours in a day and YES we really do have time to have a life.  And to plan in fun adventures instead of scrambling to make them happen when we realize we do have time.

So, another example is how I desperately want to create traditions and rituals for Nora.  Even though growing up, there were a few things that I knew would happen on certain days or for certain reasons (apricot coffee cake with Christmas breakfast, for example) - there weren't little celebrations of life or Jesus or family.  I crave for Nora to experience these things.  I long for her to grow up knowing that every night at bedtime, we share a special ritual, or that mom & dad always make Sunday breakfast together with music blasting in the kitchen.  Whatever these things are, I want to dream up each and every one and be prepared and not let a single opportunity pass by.  I want to be creative.  I want to be persistent.  And I want to be PRESENT.  Now, go back to aforementioned example.  Sound like those things fit together??  Not really.  :)

Anyway, all this rambling to get to my point.  I got to read this fantastic blog posted by a friend of mine on Facebook a while back: http://lisajobaker.com/2012/09/a-mothers-promise/.  I cried and cried and can't imagine what the rest of Nora's life will look like, but I would love to remember all the special moments and create all the special rituals possible!  I hope to someday be able to write something like this myself.  To stop worrying about every stage that's already gone.  To stop lamenting that my not-so-little baby hates to snuggle or cuddle right now.  And to finally stop worrying about all the things to come and just BE and have my daughter know that I will ALWAYS come.

Mommy Song

There's a song I just can't help but share - it makes me cry every time I listen and it's just so close to my heart right now!  JJ Heller is an incredible, folksy, Christian artist who is local to AZ and actually got her start in Young Life camps.  She and her husband are the most wonderful duo to see in concert, and it warms my heart to know how the Lord has blessed her with music!  Listen here.
*Update - When I hold Nora, play this song, and sing to her - she is magically still.  No wiggling.  Just listening.  It's the sweetest thing EVER.

When I'm With You

JJ Heller

When I hold you in my arms, Love
Something changes
It's the strangest feeling
The things that used to matter
They don't matter to me
When I see you
And you're smiling
How my heart aches
So full it is about to break
You make me believe in love

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, Baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

When I hear you, and you're crying
It resonates, Dear
In a place I didn't know was there
You make me believe in love

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, Baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

Beautiful baby
You're sweeter than strawberry pie
Just like the morning
Your smile brings the sunshine

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, Baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, Baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

Blog Schizophrenia

My apologies for the multiple personalities lately seen on the blog!  I am not blogger-savvy, so I have been struggling through trying to understand how to use the really cute ones I find on the internet!

Six Months

Six months!!  Can you believe it?!  It feels like Nora changes more and more every day.  She's rolling from her back to her tummy (and then gets stuck...and really mad).  She's sitting up ALL BY HERSELF!  She LOVES her feet (and eating her socks).  She's eating solids (so far, oatmeal, avocado, sweet potato, pears, butternut squash, and bananas)!!  She's transitioning to less naps and more cranky awake time.  She's babbling ALL the time.  She's reaching for everything in sight (resulting in a few tipped glasses of water).  And she's more adorable than ever!!!!!!!!

Stephen Probert Photography http://stephenprobert.com/

Worn

I heard this song for the first time on the radio last week.  I think it speaks to every Christian at times.  It certainly speaks to me, as I continue to struggle through finding a way to balance the demands of this life.  I sat down yesterday to make a list of all my "priorities" and just felt so dejected.  I am humbly asking the Lord to help me through this struggle, to make him Priority #1 at all times and let the rest fall into place.  But in the meantime, this is how I feel!  (listen here)

"Worn"

I’m tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I’m worn

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn

However, I am at the same time encouraging myself (and hopefully you too!) with this:

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."

John 10:10, The Message paraphrase

A New Year

If I'm honest - it's difficult to reflect on 2012.  It was such a big year.  One filled with so much change that it's hard to even remember January 6th, 2012, just one year ago.  Last January, we were being told that we had to complete extra steps to become approved to adopt.  My heart was broken and impatient about that.  We were celebrating one year in our new home.  And we continued to ache for a little baby to fill our arms, while trusting that God would provide.

Our approval came in February.  And waiting came in March.  Our anniversary came in May, and little did we know that it was the last that we'd spend as a family of two!  Our hearts were still impatient to meet the baby that God had chosen to be ours.  We started summer (the best time of year here), and then that moment came in July.

July 16th (Monday) - I had just called our caseworker to see if there was any news about our certification and if there was anything else we should be doing.  She left me a voicemail saying no updates, just be patient.  30 minutes later, my phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize.  (for months, any number I didn't recognize made my heart leap - NOT awesome during an election year)  I answered and it was a pregnancy worker from our agency.  I asked if this was a phone call I needed to take notes on, and she said yes.  I almost fainted at my desk.  I went into a private room, and took down all the details about Nora and her birthmom, and their situation (she was due August 22nd).  Ben had been at the dentist when I got the call, so I had to wait for him to call me back to share the news.  He drove to my office and we sat in his car, crying and praying.  This was 3:00, people.  I worked until 5!  I was going CRAZY at my desk.

July 17th - we called the caseworker back and said YES!  We wanted to move forward with the match.

July 23rd (Monday) - we got a call that Nora's birthmom would be induced the following Monday.  ONE WEEK away.  Just two weeks from the first phone call.

July 30th (Monday) - we met Nora's birthmom and her mom at the hospital and spent several hours getting to know them.

July 31st - Nora was born at 10:31 PM, and we got to meet her about 20 minutes later.  The most incredible moments of my life.  Purely indescribable.  As much as I've already forgotten about Nora's early months - I will NEVER forget this night.

August 3rd (Friday) - We brought Nora home, not knowing if she'd forever be in our family or not (see post here).  She became ours 2 weeks later and life will never be the same!

Since then, life has been a whirlwind of motherhood and discovering all that it means.  I've already forgotten so much about her early months.  It's difficult to remember what my days looked like when she was 2 months, 3 months old.  I've gone back to work, and even though I get to spend MOST of my time with my daughter - it's very different.

Nora's 5 months old now.  She weighs 15 pounds!  She's about to start solid foods.  She's rolling over.  She is the same little girl from 7/31, and at the same time she's not.

2013 will be a very different year in our house and I can't wait for every minute of it!

CHRISTMAS

Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.


Let us never forget the reason we celebrate Christmas.  This is my challenge to myself.  You see, I LOVE Christmas.  I start listening to Christmas music after Halloween.  I force my husband to put up mountains of Christmas lights even though he doesn't enjoy doing it.  I decorate my house like a pro, having collected a mountain of decorations over the years.  And now, I dress up my daughter to be the MOST adorable baby in the world.

Christmas Family Photo, courtesy Stephen Probert Photography

Cutest Santa ever, right?

But in the midst of my Christmas craze, it's really easy to forget the REAL reason we do any of this, and that reason is Jesus Christ.  I am so grateful that God chose to save the world through a tiny baby, born in the most humble of ways, even though He was, is, and always will be a King.  Here's two of my favorite Christmas songs that help me remember what Christmas is really about:

Relient K - I Celebrate the Day - listen here

Joy Williams - Here With Us - listen here

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and yours - and prayers that you know the gift of our incredible Savior!

Motherhood

I have been having a hard time composing this post because it's so difficult to describe all the things I've felt since becoming a mother!!!  It's absolutely the whirlwind everyone describes, compounded by the fact that we had two weeks to prepare for our little one's arrival, instead of the normal 9 months.

Every moment does fly by.  There is more truth in this statement that I ever could have imagined.  I recently looked back at some of Nora's brand new pictures - and cannot hardly remember her being THAT tiny and frail.

Nora, at just 5 days old

I tear up, actually, to think that this stage of her life feels so far away.  That the days of her resting on my chest, with no wiggles or anywhere to go, are long gone...  That the days of her snoozing on me, with me, also appear to be over.  That her preemie and newborn clothes are packed away, and her 0-3 months will be soon as well.  I do not, however, miss feeding her every two hours in the middle of the night.  Let's be clear on that :).

I tear up when I think about how much she's developed.  That she now has a personality, smiling and talking all the time, especially with mom and dad.  That she gives me a great big smile every time she sees it's me getting her up in the morning or after naptimes.  That she's a happy little girl who loves to wiggle and move and not so much snuggle anymore.

Little Miss up on her arms during tummy time for the first time!

Today, Nora rolled over for the first time (from her tummy to her back)!!!!!!!!  It was such an incredible moment, to watch her do this amazing thing that her tiny little body just learned how to do.  That God designed her to grow in ways that will allow her to reach all these milestones.  It was also terrifying, to know that she is now moving.  Like, REALLY moving.  So not only does this mean that my infant is becoming a little girl (way hard on Mommy right now), but it also means that we're entering a new stage with her and are now parents who have to closely watch her!  

Motherhood is a whirlwind.  TRUTH.  There is SO MUCH JOY in watching your child grow that I can't even begin to express in words.  I think, too, alongside everything else, there is something more, as there always will be in the world of adoption.  I feared for so long that there would be moments that my child wouldn't feel 100% like my child, having not carried her for 9 months, not nursing her, knowing her in the incredibly intimate way most mothers will know their children.  And though there have been fleeting moments like that along the way...Nora is my daughter.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she knows me as Mommy and I love her more than I ever imagined.  Sometimes I wonder if loving a biological child is the same - and I suppose I may never know that.  But I love Nora and there is no disconnect between her and me.  It's just not there.

There's so much more I want to say about motherhood, but since I've gone on long enough already...stay tuned.  :)

Mommy and Nora

Thanksgiving

For the last couple weeks, I kept seeing people's 30 days of thanks status updates pop up on Facebook.  I decided (you know, in my infinitesimal wisdom) that it had become "trendy" and that I don't generally "do" trendy.  And then the ridiculousness of that thought occurred to me.  Really?  Who am I?  I kind of wanted to throw up a little bit just admitting that.  People are finding something everyday to be thankful for!  And what am I doing?  I am being high and mighty, and in the meantime, setting aside no time or energy to be thankful.  Ridiculous, yes?

I follow a blog here, and she has a post today about being appreciative, and I couldn't help but share these words written by the eloquent author:

As much I like to say I am striving to grasp what really matters, I need reminders. Reminders that take my breath away … reminders that drop me to my knees and shake me from my selfish, materialistic fog … reminders that send me running to my children’s bedrooms to cry silent tears while listening to their beat of their hearts.

Truth be told, I need reminders to see the gifts of my life in the mundane … to be thankful for the ordinary events of my day—that if I actually stop to think about them—are really quite miraculous.

I need reminders that motivate me to be in a perpetual state of gratitude, not just on Thanksgiving Day.

So, on this Thanksgiving Eve, here are a few things I am truly Thankful for, that I needed a harsh reminder to get me out of my own "fog" to meditate on:

• For Jesus.  This is not a cliche.  He is my SAVIOR.  My life would be so radically different - and not in a good way - if He hadn't called me to himself that incredible moment 11 years ago.
• For my husband.  God gave me an incredible gift in this man who is everything God knew I needed in this life.  
• For my sweet, sweet Nora.  My amazing daughter who teaches me everyday how to love in new ways, who teaches me to marvel at God's designs and creations as she changes in a million ways every minute of every day.  For the woman who made the choice to bring her into this world and bless our family with the biggest gift we've ever received.
• For a home, a job, and all the materialistic things that God has given me for today.  A friend recently told me (when I selfishly chattered on about how we paid for our adoption, and then immediately needed a new car, and then our dryer started making terrible noises) about how we live in a broken world.  So, why are we surprised when things break?  It doesn't matter, because we have all we need.
• For friends who are like family and know me deeply and intimately, and family who possesses my identity and history in ways no one else can.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Three Months

Okay, at some point I swear I'll get my act together and start writing something other than Nora's monthly updates (you know, like about this crazy thing called motherhood that is just simply more amazing that I ever thought it would be)...  But for now....

Our baby girl is THREE MONTHS OLD!!!

We also survived our first Halloween, fit with pumpkin carving and handing out candy!!

I mean, seriously.  Can you get enough of that face?!!!

Two Months Old!

Our beautiful daughter is Two Months Old!!!

Cutest baby ever!

Staying warm!!  On our very first camping trip with Nora - to the N. Rim of the Grand Canyon.  We went with our brave friends, Stephen & Jessica.  :)

Hiking a trail at the N. Rim.

The edge of our campsite.  Good thing she's not walking yet!  :)

Infertility, Continued...

I mentioned in a lot of my posts, as we were preparing to adopt, that the infertility struggle will be a part of our forever story.  And now I really know it's true.  I cannot be clear enough that God mightily answered our prayers by gifting us with Nora.  And I could not be more thrilled to be a mom!  (more on that later)  It's the very role I've been desiring for over three years, and He filled my arms and we are SO grateful.  That's really an understatement.  It's like saying I'm grateful for the Cross.  Um, duh.  And words just can't express that.

But...there is still infertility in our life.  There are real moments where we wonder if Nora will be an only child.  And that is SO not the plan we had.  There are real moments of hope that someday God might open my womb and bless us with a biological child.  There are real moments of fear when I acknowledge that may NEVER happen.  There are real moments where I wonder if I have the strength to adopt again.  Ben would do it in a heartbeat.  I think he inherited that mystical amnesia that mothers who go through labor get (I've heard, anyway) - where the pain of the adoption and the unknown of those terrifying two weeks has disappeared from his mind.  But I haven't forgotten - those moments are still very new and fresh in my mind and heart.  Others who have adopted and have really smooth stories, where doubt never really crept in, and papers were signed the moment they were able to be, have given me those encouraging stories.  But my heart isn't ready for it again...and I don't know if it ever will be.  Not to mention the financial aspect.  Who knows if God will bless us to be financially able to do it again?

There's also been recent occasion for God to reveal to me that there are infertility wounds that have not healed.  With the adoption process, my heart and mind was so focused on that road and each next step - and of course, with the arrival of Nora - infertility had really left me alone for a while.  And now, I'm a mother!!!  My prayers and dreams have come true in a really incredible story.  For real - and the number of people that prayed with us and for us through this journey have SEEN GOD'S GLORY.  Praise Jesus!

But - there are still wounds.  They're different now - it's not remotely the same pain as the height of infertility.  But a friend of mine recently gave me the metaphor of a scab.  It's a wound that has healed over (absolutely true in the midst of the adoption and with the arrival of Nora).  But - one slight pick at that scab, and the wound feels fresh again.  What an accurate description.  I realized that I haven't grieved through the aches I have to be able to pee on a stick and see a positive result.  To have that incredibly traditional moment when I get to tell my husband we're pregnant.  To have the experience of telling family and friends in a really fun & exciting way.  Yes, we got to announce we were expecting through adoption, and we got to announce that Nora's birthmom chose us.  But everything is SO different through adoption.  The uncertainty and waiting just isn't the same, and one-time big announcements just aren't possible.  Baby showers - not the same.  Birth certificate - not the same.  First moments after birth - not the same.  And there are moments where I feel guilty that these things still hurt.  Because God answered my prayers, right?  Nora is ours and I'm a mother.  So what's the problem?  Well, the problem is that I've still got a scab.  And that scab hasn't scarred over yet and maybe never will.

But (and here's the really great but) - I know that the same God who walked with me through the last three and a half years will keep walking with me.  And will speak quietly to me in those painful moments.  And will help my heart be at peace with whatever the rest of our journey, the rest of our family will look like.

So - that's the honest truth.  :)  And here's my beautiful daughter.  Because again - none of this changes the JOY and GRATITUDE we have for the way God has grown our family, and the chance to be Nora's parents.