Day Two: Your Hands

JJ Heller is an incredible artist.  I actually had the pleasure of hearing her in concert and meeting her before her career took off on the radio.  She's a friend of Young Life, a ministry that was instrumental in coming to Christ and that I have been intimately involved with for some time.  She serves as a musical guest at Young Life camps during summer camp assignments, and I've gotten to meet her in such a setting.  (Similar thing happened with Brandon Heath - apparently YL helps musical careers :) ).  Not only do her lyrics captivate, she and her husband are extremely entertaining in person!  Anyway, this is one song of hers that I feel fills in the blank when I'm searching for words to pour out my heart.  You can listen here:

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That you would take my pain away

You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crooked lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth

You healed the broken, lost and hurt

I know you hate to see me cry

One day you will set all things right

Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world

Are holding me

They hold me still

Your hands that shaped the world

Are holding me

They hold me still

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave you

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave

I never leave your hands

Day One: I Am Understood?

Okay - I'm going to try an experiment.  My next seven posts are going to focus on music that speaks to me, comforts me, or that I just plain love.  I think that music has a special place in our souls, so I'm going to take some time to share some of my favorites.  There are some songs that I feel like I wrote - even though I could never be this talented.  But here's one.  You can listen here.

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through

This version of myself

I try to hide behind

I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty

Your love regardless of

The mistakes I make will spoil me

My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me

And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need

[Chorus]

You looked into my life and never stopped

And you're thinking all my thoughts

Are so simple, but so beautiful

And you recite my words right back to me

Before I even speak

You let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time

Just trying to escape

I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space

Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know

I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go

[Chorus]

You're the only one who understands completely

You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words

If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours

And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again

You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

[Chorus]

The noise has broken my defense

Let me embrace salvation

Your voice has broken my defense

Let me embrace salvation 

Come to Me

A couple weeks ago, my Pastor shared a sermon based on Psalm 77 and Matthew 11:28-30.  When hearing Psalm 77, I think it's a natural reaction to be surprised that such language is even in the Bible (verses 7-9):

"Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor again?

Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?

Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

I felt as though I was kindred spirit to Asaph, the one who uttered these words.  My heart - so broken and torn to pieces at some points along this road less traveled, spurns questions like these.  He poured out his honest questions, a result of his brokenness and humanity.  And drawing it back to Matthew, the Bible points out that Jesus is ready.  He's ready for the broken heart, the honest questions.  He is ready to offer rest for the soul.  

Here's a couple more quotes from Hannah's Hope:

"Bitterness is described in Hebrews as a root that defiles the soul, causing us to miss the grace of God.  Nothing chokes out peace faster.  Intense marah was deeply rooted within my heart for a long time.  I felt raw, weighed down, constantly rubbed in the wrong direction. I was disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, and even myself." (pg. 102)

"While I demanded the joy of motherhood, I never stopped to consider how it would break my heart to be rejected by my child in the way I was treating the Lord."  (pg. 104)

BUT - then Asaph REMEMBERS.  He remembers the Lord's mighty deeds, his power and authority over all elements.   But what an incredible example he provides of how to not complain for complaint's sake (verses 13-15):

"Your ways, God, are holy.

What god is as great as our God?

You are the God who performs miracles;

you display your power among the peoples.

With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, 

the descendants of Jacob and Joseph"

And here's a final quote from the book for this post:

"God has a plan that is better than anything I can imagine.  He knows the ultimate purpose of each ingredient He allows to flavor my life.  As bitter as His recipe may seem, God can make it good, accomplishing His great purpose."  (pg. 105)

The Journey Continues

Another cycle.  Another failed attempt.  Another heartbreak.  Another start at square one.

Hope seems to be a weird catch 22 in the infertility journey.  We need hope in the Lord to keep going.  But when we allow ourselves to hope that this cycle will work, it makes the fall that much harder.  It's been a while since we had enough focus to hope.  And this cycle, we did.  We hoped.  I was on Clomid and progesterone - it was the first time in a long while I was medicated.  I allowed myself to read into little signs.  We both hoped.  And we both crashed.  I think a lot of circumstances played into it - but yesterday was by far the hardest infertility struggle day I've had in a long, long time.  The tears just wouldn't stop, even amidst a full workday.  My face was swollen by the time I finally laid my head down.  It just hurts so much.  Indescribable pain.

I've been reading Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake.  It's been a relief but has also brought a lot of feelings to the surface.  I wanted to share some excerpts here.  Some were good reminders, some were honest convictions in my heart.

"I felt that we had earned the right of parenthood. Didn't God owe us something here?  Surprisingly, the answer was, and is, no.  God does not owe me anything: not a baby, not even an explanation of His choices."  (pg. 37)

"God knows this grief personally.  He has gone to greater measures to make you His child than you will ever go in the pursuit of growing your own family." (pg. 47)

"In the struggle to 'have a family,' it can be so easy to forget that as husband and wife we already are a family."  (pg. 86)

There is more I want to share - particularly, a really unique way that some of the info in this book coincided with my pastor's message this past Sunday.  I'll get there soon.

In other news, we hosted a house warming party this past weekend and we were so blessed by a home FILLED with friends and family.  So many people came to join us in celebrating this huge blessing in our life and it was an incredible showing of God's love for us.

Inadequate

According to TheFreeDictionary.com, the definition of inadequate is:
inadequate [ɪnˈædɪkwɪt]

adj

1. not adequate; insufficient

2. not capable or competent; lacking

This particularly defines how I feel today, and something I struggle with a lot in my life.  Today, I was ready to give up.  Today, I wanted to be mediocre and not care.  Today, I wished that I was fine with less than perfect.  Today, I wanted to hide from all my job responsibilities and pretend I don't feel incompetent

Infertility makes me feel inadequate too.  The voices in this world, and often in my own head, tell me that I'm not whole because I can't procreate.  That I'm incomplete, inadequate.  That I'm lacking.  And really, my own desires tell me these things more than anything else.  My heart aches because this longing is so deep within - longing to be a mother, to see Ben be the most amazing dad.  The longing to raise children in a house that loves Jesus.

But, the eloquent words of Sanctus Real (you can listen here) remind me that

"When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere

When I don’t measure up to much in this life

Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven"

And God reminds me through his own Holy Word that I have nothing to fear in this life in Isaiah 51:

 ¹²"I, I am he who comforts you;

   who are you that you are afraid of man who dies,

   of the son of man who is made like grass,

¹³and have forgotten the LORD, your Maker,

    who stretched out the heavens

   and laid the foundations of the earth,

and you fear continually all the day

   because of the wrath of the oppressor,

when he sets himself to destroy?

   And where is the wrath of the oppressor?

Jesus - help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me to overcome these feelings of inadequacy.  Remind me that I mean enough to you that you know the number of hairs on my head and you see every tear that falls.  You know the deepest desires, you have given me the talents I have.  You have placed me in this job and your plan is what rules my life.  Help me to remember that you are GOOD and your mercy endures forever.  Remind me that your plan is to prosper me and not to harm me.  Help me to trust in your plan to give me hope and a future.

What do I know?

You can listen here.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com 
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Addison Road - What do I know of Holy?

February

February is a tough month.  This one marks the two year anniversary since we started trying to have a child.  I've been dreading reaching this milestone.  I've also been dreading the completion of our home.  I know that sounds really weird - but it's provided a much needed distraction from our infertility process over the last few months.  In a way, our hearts, souls, time, energy, and sanity were all poured into the progression of taking a run down, bank owned house and creating a home for ourselves.  While we continued to actively try, we let all medical help go by the wayside while our finances, time, and energy went into this process.  Now, I am working full time (which is stressful enough on its own), we have moved into this completed home, and we'll be faced yet again with all the questions - do we continue with IUI procedures?  Can we even afford to do so without any insurance coverage (each cycle we choose this route will cost a considerable amount of money)?  Which fertility center in the Big City will we choose?  At what point do we stop pouring money into the process of trying to have our own, and instead begin saving for an adoption procedure?

So, now that the house is done - I'm terrified of facing days again where the pain is so overwhelming that I can only function at a surface level at best to keep it at bay.  Not to mention that this house is far too large for the two of us.  Lots of empty space to haunt me.

However, I now have a practically brand new home.  It's incredible, and beautiful.  I can't believe what my husband, his dad and brothers, and lots of very dear friends, were able to accomplish in just three months.  It's a beautiful home, and while we still have projects to finish and unpacking to do...it's our home.  We live in this house now, and anxiously await the perfectly orchestrated situation to come along and our trailer to be sold.

Proverbs 14:1
"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."  Lord, help me to be a wise woman, one who will take this home and build it up for you, for her marriage.  Jesus I plead that you give me the patience I lack, heal me of the anger that flares, and help us to live each day for its own purpose and not look only toward the future that we cannot predict.  Please, Lord, don't allow me to tear down this home with loss of hope, with lack of trust, or with selfishness.