Well, I think I've been avoiding a few things.
I've been avoiding writing any news because I wanted to write with good news. And it just hasn't come.
I've been avoiding writing because it's February. This month marks 3 years since Ben & I chose to start a journey of growing our family. A journey we NEVER could have predicted would look like this 3 years later. While the ups & downs of the infertility journey have somewhat subsided - each month still hurts a little. Pregnancy announcements still hurt. Growing bellies are joy for their owners - yet for me, painful reminders at the failings of my own body. And knowing it's been 3 years is simply surreal. Infertility and adoption are not separate. Infertility and parenthood will not be separate. There are no cures, no answers, no easy fixes for it. It is a journey we may walk every day for the rest of our lives. While I'm not in the same place in the infertility journey I was a year ago (PRAISE JESUS, He's already worked on healing so much with this, helping me to grieve so much), the reality is that it's still a journey we continue to be on.
But above all else - I've been avoiding the humble reality of facing truth in lack of trust. The day in December I last posted, my world felt like it fell apart. About a month later, our agency asked us to complete additional steps - hard steps - in order to reconsider their decision of not approving us in December, and the world crumbled a little more. Both of those moments should have been the first moment my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and arms reached out to Jesus and allowed trust and peace to flood my entire being. Instead, I panicked. I hurt. I cried. I worried. I attempted to exert any control I thought I could. And the two months since that day have been...well...indescribable.
Proverbs 13:12 - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." This whole journey has felt like hope deferred. But two months ago, fleshly hope was tangible. This is why I feel like my heart hurts so much in this journey, when that wonderful outcome of approval slipped away.
However, Rom 5:3-5 - "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured our into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." This is what I WANT to feel in my heart, and humbly ask you to help me ask Jesus for this to become my everyday reality. To move from feeling like adoption "will be" an amazing road once there's resolution, and instead feel like adoption "IS" an amazing road, if not for any other reason than this is where God has us. To hope now because Christ died on the cross and nothing else changes that. And to hope forward, to the wonderful, handmade, blessing of a child that God will place into our family.
All this to say - there's no news yet. And my heart is in a state of flux, sometimes human and worrying and hurting, sometimes having brief glimpses of hope, faith, and trust.
2/16/12
12/19/11
The Continued Unknown
We felt closure within our grasp...and then it slipped quietly away.
We were presented to the entire team of case workers at our agency on Thursday (12/15) for approval to be certified and have our match letter placed in the books and on the website (which marks the true waiting season, as once this happens, placement could theoretically happen ANY TIME, but the average is anywhere from 3 months to a year).
We called our case worker just before 5, because she hadn't contacted us with the results. We expected a positive report, and news that we'd be in the books the very next day because after our final meeting, she had let us know that she had no concerns.
Instead, we were told that we are not approved right now. That the team has concerns about my family history and working with birth families and the unpredictability of the possible situations we may work with, and we're not 100% sure what our next steps are. We feel pretty devastated - this isn't what we were expecting...at all. Actually, that's an understatement. We are thankful to have Godly people in our lives who are continuing to remind us that God's plan reigns supreme... But right now...our hearts are broken and hurting, and we're just plain confused.
We were presented to the entire team of case workers at our agency on Thursday (12/15) for approval to be certified and have our match letter placed in the books and on the website (which marks the true waiting season, as once this happens, placement could theoretically happen ANY TIME, but the average is anywhere from 3 months to a year).
We called our case worker just before 5, because she hadn't contacted us with the results. We expected a positive report, and news that we'd be in the books the very next day because after our final meeting, she had let us know that she had no concerns.
Instead, we were told that we are not approved right now. That the team has concerns about my family history and working with birth families and the unpredictability of the possible situations we may work with, and we're not 100% sure what our next steps are. We feel pretty devastated - this isn't what we were expecting...at all. Actually, that's an understatement. We are thankful to have Godly people in our lives who are continuing to remind us that God's plan reigns supreme... But right now...our hearts are broken and hurting, and we're just plain confused.
12/6/11
Waiting
If you haven't already assumed - so much of our journey is defined by waiting. Waiting each month while experiencing infertility to see if all our efforts paid off with a positive test. Waiting for test results, all to be told nothing's medically identifiable as a reason. Waiting for God to clarify whether further infertility treatments or adoption was our route. Waiting for classes to be scheduled for us to be able to attend. Waiting for classes to be rescheduled for us to attend. Waiting for our paperwork to be processed. Waiting for our home study to begin, and waiting for each appointment to take place. That's where we are now. Once our last appointment is completed this Thursday, we'll wait to find out if we will make the December meeting for presentation to the team, then we will wait to find out if we are approved for certification. Once we're approved, and our match letter is in place - we will begin the wait for placement - for the phone call that will tell us that God has finally identified the child we will hopefully bring home. We may wait for the birth of that child. We will wait for the consent paperwork to be signed. We will wait for our official day in court - when all will be 100% finalized.
That's a lot of waiting.
A dear friend of mine shared this blog post, by Adam R. Holz, (find the article here) with me recently. I wanted to share it with you, because it's a great commentary on our journey of waiting, with the most relevant reminder. It's not long, stick with it!
Amen Adam. Thanks for sharing!
That's a lot of waiting.
A dear friend of mine shared this blog post, by Adam R. Holz, (find the article here) with me recently. I wanted to share it with you, because it's a great commentary on our journey of waiting, with the most relevant reminder. It's not long, stick with it!
This week marks the first week of Advent. Now, before I married a Presbyterian, I confess I’d never really given Advent much of a thought. Oh, I knew that it had to do with looking forward to Jesus’ birth, but I didn’t know much more about it than that, really. Now, however, I’m a part of a church and a tradition that deliberately observes this joyous season in the liturgical calendar. For Presbyterians (as well as many Catholics, Anglicans, Lutherans and Methodists), the four weeks before Christmas are a season full of expectation as we look forward to celebrating the birth of the Christ child.
Because Advent is by its very nature a time of waiting, I think it offers a ready-made opportunity to ponder where our hearts are at and what they’re hoping and waiting for. And no matter where we’re at in life, we’re almost always waiting and hoping for something.
When I was young, the Christmas season was a time of agonizing, tormenting waiting. My Grandma Roberts was always extraordinarily conscientious about her Christmas shopping. Sometimes she had it all done by the end of October. As soon as Halloween was over, her Christmas tree went up. And underneath it sat all those presents for the grandkids, lovingly wrapped. I remember many, many years looking longingly at the gifts with my name on them — waiting and hoping she’d gotten me what I asked for. Each year, it seemed, my heart fixated on something that would, I thought, make my world complete, whether it was a Minolta Weathermatic A underwater camera or Coleco Electronic Quarterback or Kenner’s exquisite Millennium Falcon. (All of which, I just checked, are actually available on eBay right now. Hmmm…)
As I got older, my desires morphed and grew. Looking back at the last 20 years or so, from 20ish to 40ish, it seems as if the young adult years in particular are absolutely packed with waiting and longing. Indeed, much of what we hope for the most in life seems to get concentrated in a few short (or long!) years during our young adult pilgrimage.
We wait to find out if we’ve been accepted to the college we want. As those years zoom by, we begin to look forward with hopeful expectation to life in the “real world” with a “real job.” We wait for a spouse. Then kids. Then the desperate desire for those little ones to sleep through the night (which has been my own personal waiting crucible for the last five years). Then we wait to save up for a home big enough to hold us all.
For many of us, young adulthood is defined by those overlapping cycles of waiting and hoping. We’ve barely reached one milestone when our desires shift and we plunge into the next season of praying and longing. I’ll never forget one friend in college who longed to be married with every fiber of her being. Her hopes were fulfilled after we graduated, and very soon it became apparent that she yearned for children with the same intensity that she’d hoped for marriage. But she would face many years of infertility — and deep struggles with contentment — before that hope was granted as well. Her story illustrates how our young adult years can be a dizzying time of hopes continually deferred … even as some of them are fulfilled.
Which brings me back to the subject and season of Advent.
As I mentioned above, I think Advent offers us a perfect opportunity to entrust those churning movements of our hearts to God. After all, it’s a season in which we ponder what God set in motion with the birth of a tiny babe, a little person who would change everything … but not quite yet. Advent is by definition a season of anticipation and expectation.
As we move into Advent, what is your soul yearning for? God assures us that He knows the tender spots in our hearts. Amazingly, He actually waits for us to pour out the desires of our hearts to Him.
For what it’s worth, I don’t know that I’m much better at waiting at the age of 41 than I was back when Grandma Roberts lovingly tortured me with presents under the tree when I was young. I don’t like not having what I want. But I think it’s in these seasons that God does remarkable work in souls, showing us things about our own character and His that we might not have learned any other way.
Likewise, Advent reminds us that God brings all things to fulfillment at the proper time … and that we can trust Him with the desires of our hearts.
Because Advent is by its very nature a time of waiting, I think it offers a ready-made opportunity to ponder where our hearts are at and what they’re hoping and waiting for. And no matter where we’re at in life, we’re almost always waiting and hoping for something.
When I was young, the Christmas season was a time of agonizing, tormenting waiting. My Grandma Roberts was always extraordinarily conscientious about her Christmas shopping. Sometimes she had it all done by the end of October. As soon as Halloween was over, her Christmas tree went up. And underneath it sat all those presents for the grandkids, lovingly wrapped. I remember many, many years looking longingly at the gifts with my name on them — waiting and hoping she’d gotten me what I asked for. Each year, it seemed, my heart fixated on something that would, I thought, make my world complete, whether it was a Minolta Weathermatic A underwater camera or Coleco Electronic Quarterback or Kenner’s exquisite Millennium Falcon. (All of which, I just checked, are actually available on eBay right now. Hmmm…)
As I got older, my desires morphed and grew. Looking back at the last 20 years or so, from 20ish to 40ish, it seems as if the young adult years in particular are absolutely packed with waiting and longing. Indeed, much of what we hope for the most in life seems to get concentrated in a few short (or long!) years during our young adult pilgrimage.
We wait to find out if we’ve been accepted to the college we want. As those years zoom by, we begin to look forward with hopeful expectation to life in the “real world” with a “real job.” We wait for a spouse. Then kids. Then the desperate desire for those little ones to sleep through the night (which has been my own personal waiting crucible for the last five years). Then we wait to save up for a home big enough to hold us all.
For many of us, young adulthood is defined by those overlapping cycles of waiting and hoping. We’ve barely reached one milestone when our desires shift and we plunge into the next season of praying and longing. I’ll never forget one friend in college who longed to be married with every fiber of her being. Her hopes were fulfilled after we graduated, and very soon it became apparent that she yearned for children with the same intensity that she’d hoped for marriage. But she would face many years of infertility — and deep struggles with contentment — before that hope was granted as well. Her story illustrates how our young adult years can be a dizzying time of hopes continually deferred … even as some of them are fulfilled.
Which brings me back to the subject and season of Advent.
As I mentioned above, I think Advent offers us a perfect opportunity to entrust those churning movements of our hearts to God. After all, it’s a season in which we ponder what God set in motion with the birth of a tiny babe, a little person who would change everything … but not quite yet. Advent is by definition a season of anticipation and expectation.
As we move into Advent, what is your soul yearning for? God assures us that He knows the tender spots in our hearts. Amazingly, He actually waits for us to pour out the desires of our hearts to Him.
For what it’s worth, I don’t know that I’m much better at waiting at the age of 41 than I was back when Grandma Roberts lovingly tortured me with presents under the tree when I was young. I don’t like not having what I want. But I think it’s in these seasons that God does remarkable work in souls, showing us things about our own character and His that we might not have learned any other way.
Likewise, Advent reminds us that God brings all things to fulfillment at the proper time … and that we can trust Him with the desires of our hearts.
11/19/11
National Adoption Month
So - November is National Adoption Month! I've loved it because I am hearing about adoption all over the place - I feel like Focus on the Family's broadcasts have been adoption focused every time I turn on the radio. Specifically, today is National Adoption Day. Our agency was probably pretty darn busy, as many families wait until National Adoption Day to finalize their adoptions in court (this usually takes around 6 months after consents are signed, so many simply wait for this special day). It's a really big deal in Maricopa county - the courthouse area is a literal fair with bounce houses, food, and all kinds of stuff for adoptive families to come and enjoy while they celebrate.
It's interesting to be right smack in the middle of our certification process during this month. It's a paradigm because this month is huge for celebration - yet, we are in the midst of what I *hope* is the hardest thing we ever do after infertility (yes, I, too, am sure I just jinxed it). It's hard to explain this process. I think one of the easiest cliches is that we constantly feel like "we're under the microscope." We know that God is honoring the deepest desire of our hearts for parenthood through adoption - and we are truly beyond excited that He's guiding us through this journey. But you have to understand that so many people just get to be parents - even unintentionally in lots of cases. For us to be parents, we've gone through the valley of incredible pain. We've been fingerprinted. Exposed. Investigated. We have had the most intimate, vulnerable aspects of our life brought to light. Our insecurities uncovered and delved into. We know it is worth it. And we know God is in control. But our human moments get the best of us sometimes. And we feel defensive, and even discouraged sometimes. And the journey's hardly started!
We have what might be our last visit this Monday in Phoenix, for our infertility grief assessment. They may choose for us to take their newer personality test, and if that's the case we'll have another appointment sometime to go over the results from that. We take each step in faith and with confidence that God's got us!!! We always assumed we would be certified and waiting before the year ended - but we're learning early that (yes, again and as always) our plans are not God's plans!
In the meantime, we covet your prayers for peace and patience - and for our excitement and trust to overwhelm anything else that comes up. We know that there's so much more unknown to come - we need the Lord to help us through it!!
Happy National Adoption Month - hopefully, and prayerfully, our last one without children!!!
It's interesting to be right smack in the middle of our certification process during this month. It's a paradigm because this month is huge for celebration - yet, we are in the midst of what I *hope* is the hardest thing we ever do after infertility (yes, I, too, am sure I just jinxed it). It's hard to explain this process. I think one of the easiest cliches is that we constantly feel like "we're under the microscope." We know that God is honoring the deepest desire of our hearts for parenthood through adoption - and we are truly beyond excited that He's guiding us through this journey. But you have to understand that so many people just get to be parents - even unintentionally in lots of cases. For us to be parents, we've gone through the valley of incredible pain. We've been fingerprinted. Exposed. Investigated. We have had the most intimate, vulnerable aspects of our life brought to light. Our insecurities uncovered and delved into. We know it is worth it. And we know God is in control. But our human moments get the best of us sometimes. And we feel defensive, and even discouraged sometimes. And the journey's hardly started!
We have what might be our last visit this Monday in Phoenix, for our infertility grief assessment. They may choose for us to take their newer personality test, and if that's the case we'll have another appointment sometime to go over the results from that. We take each step in faith and with confidence that God's got us!!! We always assumed we would be certified and waiting before the year ended - but we're learning early that (yes, again and as always) our plans are not God's plans!
In the meantime, we covet your prayers for peace and patience - and for our excitement and trust to overwhelm anything else that comes up. We know that there's so much more unknown to come - we need the Lord to help us through it!!
Happy National Adoption Month - hopefully, and prayerfully, our last one without children!!!
11/5/11
Adoption Education
Okay...so I promised a while back that I would write about some of the things we've learned SO FAR through our adoption journey - adoption language, open adoption, adoption not being plan "B", the fact that adoption does NOT replace the pain of infertility, etc.
So, first up - positive adoption language (see a great summary article here).
Here's a few words/phrases that I never realized were hurtful or inaccurate until I started really learning about adoption:
So, first up - positive adoption language (see a great summary article here).
Here's a few words/phrases that I never realized were hurtful or inaccurate until I started really learning about adoption:
- "real parents" - our child will have birth parents (or, biological parents), but we will be their real parents, the ones making everyday parenting decisions, providing for him/her, the ones raising him/her (we're not imaginary, as opposed to "real")
- "giving up a child for adoption" - our agency uses the word "placement". The birthparents in our special situation will choose to place their child - an extremely painful, courageous choice.
- "she's going to keep it" - if, in the end, God leads a birth mother/parents to have a change of heart, she is choosing to parent, instead of choosing to place.
10/30/11
Today is the Day
So - our pastor has been teaching us through the story of Elijah in 1Kings and 2 Kings. There's so much about his story that I identify with. Elijah never imagined (or so I would think) that he would go head to head with Ahab, or toe to toe with 850 false prophets. But God clearly used him, had a plan, and knew exactly what he was taking Elijah to and through. I never thought we would be infertile. I never, EVER, imagined we would be adopting. But God has us here. Right?? We have to rest in that truth. We have to.
Today, we also sang "Today is the Day" by Lincoln Brewster (you can listen here.) Oh my. The words in bold just touch my heart and bring me to my knees. We recently had our 2nd adoption visit, and it wasn't the smoothest feeling appointment in the world. We have some lingering feelings of discouragement, but again HAVE to know that God is in this with us, that he has us here for a reason, and he gives us each day as a gift.
I'm casting my cares aside
I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind on You
Jesus
I'm reaching my hand to Yours
Believing theres so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm trusting in what You say
Today is the day
I putting my fears aside
I'm leaving my doubts behind
I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You
Jesus
I'm reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good
Finally, we recently did a 25 mile hike in 48 hours to Havasupai and back in the Grand Canyon, with our two best friends. It's an incredible place, the photo below is just a tiny slice of this heavenly place that sits right in the middle of the desert.
10/18/11
Progress...
It's official! We're on our way toward becoming parents! We have completed one visit so far, and the next is scheduled for 10/28!! Here's what we have to accomplish before being certified:
1. Visit in nearby small town (2 appointments - each individual interview) - DONE
2. Visit in nearby small town (1 appointment - genogram) - 10/28
3. Visit in our small town (2 appointments - home visit & results of our personality tests) - TBD
4. Visit in nearby big city (2 appointments - infertility counseling & new personality test results) - TBD
In the meantime, we're still creating our match letter and are SO excited to be on this journey! We're trying very hard not to create expectations about timelines...we figure, if we don't create expectations, we can't be disappointed. :) Plus, this line of thinking helps us all the more to remember it's God's timing and not our own that will guide this process.
If you would like, we'd like to invite each of you to be praying for our birthparents and child. It's amazing, as I've begun praying this way, the things that God is choosing to reveal... For example, earlier on in the infertility journey, I have a very dear friend that would remind me, often when a new cycle would start - "God knows the EXACT sperm and egg that will meet to create your child." And she's right - just because it's not my egg and Ben's sperm - this is still our child!!!! And we are praying for him or her, and for the parents that will courageously choose to place them into our arms.
Much love,
Jenny
1. Visit in nearby small town (2 appointments - each individual interview) - DONE
2. Visit in nearby small town (1 appointment - genogram) - 10/28
3. Visit in our small town (2 appointments - home visit & results of our personality tests) - TBD
4. Visit in nearby big city (2 appointments - infertility counseling & new personality test results) - TBD
In the meantime, we're still creating our match letter and are SO excited to be on this journey! We're trying very hard not to create expectations about timelines...we figure, if we don't create expectations, we can't be disappointed. :) Plus, this line of thinking helps us all the more to remember it's God's timing and not our own that will guide this process.
If you would like, we'd like to invite each of you to be praying for our birthparents and child. It's amazing, as I've begun praying this way, the things that God is choosing to reveal... For example, earlier on in the infertility journey, I have a very dear friend that would remind me, often when a new cycle would start - "God knows the EXACT sperm and egg that will meet to create your child." And she's right - just because it's not my egg and Ben's sperm - this is still our child!!!! And we are praying for him or her, and for the parents that will courageously choose to place them into our arms.
Much love,
Jenny
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