A New Year

I hate getting used to writing the new year.  It always takes me longer than it should to remember to write 11 instead of 10.  I digress...

This January has brought cold weather (negatives, people!), progress on our home (flooring has started to go in - there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel), and the start of my new full time job.  It also brings sadness as I say goodbye to one of my best friends - Jen - who leaves her Young Life Area Director post in nearby small town to start Young Life brand new in another town in a neighboring state.  Jen was the senior leader of the team in said small town when I became a volunteer leader at a young age of 19.  She mentored me.  After a year or so of learning lots of hard lessons about what loving high school kids in the name of Jesus really means, we became best friends.  We had lots of incredible adventures - developing epic running skits for weekly club (Mary J. Bling and Surfer Jen, and also Spirit Girl and J-Flo (a deodorant super hero)), weeklong summer camps, and fun trips to Portland and Seattle.  She was my Maid of Honor, standing up with me on the most important day of my life.  And she remains one of the most honest pictures of a strong woman, and most real illustrations of Christ's commitment and love.  I will miss her so dearly but am thankful for a new adventure called Skype.  I will visit her soon, and I know the Lord will work mightily in her new job and she will make a huge impression on those around her.

I am two days into my new job and already feeling the pressure of just how much lies ahead of me.  I am overwhelmed and needing the Lord's strength, inspiration, and compassion as I am charged with brainstorming how to fix a lot of messes and lead those under my supervision.  And life goes on...

Life As I Know It

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:21

Twists and turns.  I think that's a good title for this chapter in my life.

A little over a week ago, I found myself the recipient of an INCREDIBLE blessing.  I came home to find a box addressed to me.  Upon opening it, I found a card that instructed me to read it first.  The author shared with me that I am so loved by my friends and family that this package of 21 gifts, dubbed "The 21 Days of Christmas" was given to me as a reminder of that love.  The author also told me that I was being steadfastly prayed for during this season of my life.  I have received a great variety of wonderful things that have brought Christmas alive in the traditional sense (a Christmas mix CD, ornaments, a cookie cutter, Christmas tea), and in the true reason for the holiday sense, with a scripture attached to each and every gift.  The verse above was from today, day 13, and fully spoke into my soul.

Construction on our new home is coming along, and we think it's likely we will move in the first week of the new year.  My first semester of college teaching is coming to a close, and it's bittersweet.  I have enjoyed getting to know my in-person students particularly and have learned quite a bit about the expectations I place on others, based on my own personality.  However, I will be happy to soon return to a life where I get to leave my work at work.  Having to plan lectures and grade has made it feel like I have homework all over again, which is something I won't miss for quite some time.  

Which brings me to twist #2...I got the full time position I was hoping for.  It's a promotion, to say the least, and I will be responsible for supervising quite possibly around 10 people.  Once again, it's very bittersweet.  I never expected to have to return to full time work.  I assumed that by the time I graduated with my Master's (over 6 months ago), that a beautiful child would be on the way or already added to our small family.  I feel incredibly blessed for such an incredible job opportunity, but it feels like it comes with a very heavy price that weighs on my heart. 

My 28th birthday has also now come and gone.  This was my second birthday since we started trying to have a family.  And it's been a rough realization.  I think I've taken for granted that I have a couple of very close friends right around my age that don't yet have kids.  I think in the twists and turns of life, it's dangerous to hold tight to such things.  Yes, it's good to be in the present but it's also good to know that life can change very quickly.  I have found myself feeling lonely lately...for no particular reason really.  But as I realize I am primarily surrounded by those whose lives are very different from my own (whether girlfriends that are single, or couples we know who are parents), it's difficult to think about the days when these fellow DINKS (dual income no kids, as a close friend refers to them) could surpass us in family size.  I know that I will be challenged in ways beyond compare to what I've faced so far, and my heart will face darker days if these particular desires continue to go unfulfilled.  It's hard to remember that the Lord's plans may continue to be very different from my own, and that I need to strive to find solace and comfort in Him alone.  That no matter what happens, there is someone who is so much bigger than myself, my life, or even my desires in charge of what is going on in my life and the lives of those around me.  

I feel, sometimes, that my life is a constant battle between my selfishness (which I often find myself drowning in), and living my life in praise of the One who gave his for me.  And most days, I lose that battle.

Time Flies

Wow - can't believe it's been so long since I tossed my thoughts into cyber space.  The house is....coming!  We still have lots of work to do, and we *might* be in it by the end of the year.  This has thrown me for a loop - as you read in my previous post, I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to the holiday season.  It kills my heart that I can't decorate full out - celebrate in my usual manner (being the creature of habit I am). Alas, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I have been finding it necessary to force myself into a grateful heart.  This shouldn't be hard.  Our life is so full of blessings, I'm sure it would take me forever to count them all.  And yet, I drown in worry, stress, and about 80 million other negative emotions and states of mind.

Also, I am finding the holidays particularly difficult this year.  A dear friend just had her little girl today, and it seems as though there is pregnancy all around me.  My mother in law (who's amazing, by the way - there's a huge blessing right there) threw together an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner the day after Veteran's Day because all the siblings happened to be here.  It was, of course, an incredible meal.  But it was hard.  Harder than I imagined.  I found myself watching my beautiful toddler nieces and handsome nephew, so full of life and loving to be together.  Yes, there was the usual tantrums and difficulties.  But it didn't matter.  Watching those little cousins grow, and grow together, just became too much and I found myself vehemently crying in the bathroom, trying to stay quiet and not make a scene.  We so desperately want to be a part of that world.  And the Lord says no.  And we don't know why.  And it hurts.  And hurts and hurts.

We are still not pursuing medical treatment at this time.  Life has just been overwhelming.  I am back to temperature taking and such, so it seems life as normal.  The daily reminders are back (time off from this process is sometimes so forgiving), and Christmas will be here soon.

Lord, please heal my heart.  Place a holy trust in my soul, Lord, to know you and to trust you.  Bless the mothers I know.  Bless their overwhelmed minds and bodies.  Bless the little ones you are still forming into little bundles of perfection.  Help me to remember my own blessings, the multitudes that there are, and get on my knees and stop questioning my Creator.

News

Well, it's official - we now own a big old house!  We finally got the keys in hand yesterday (though we technically closed on Thursday - I felt that I had to wait until it was totally good!).  Ben already started on construction today.  I most definitely need to get some "before" pictures since we intend to rip up and replace ALL the flooring, paint ALL the walls, completely remodel the kitchen, change sliding glass doors for french doors (living room) and windows (master bedroom).  And...if we have any money left...remodel the master bath.  It's quite a thing to take on (well, for Ben and his dad and brothers...not really sure what I'll contribute!).

I started teaching my second course (a 7 week, online course) on the 1st.  So things have certainly picked up!  Life feels very busy, which is hard since I'm coming up on my FAVORITE time of year.  Let me take a moment to describe just how much I love the holidays.  I LOVE THEM!  First of all, it's Jesus' time.  Period.  Second, I started listening to Christmas music about 2 weeks ago (I know, not even November...).  I have several boxes of Christmas decorations that I always insist on having up as quickly after Thanksgiving as humanly possible.  I went to Disneyland in December last year and was in heaven.  I'm sure my friend Jessica can tell you how many times I shrieked with joy at the ginormous Christmas tree (these toilets are GINORMOUS! - Elf - another reason to love the season).  Anyway, that is a very small tangent about how much I love this time of year.

On the infertility front, we had an appointment last week with an OBGYN here in our small town (he was recommended by several folks).  His specialty is actually surgery, but we chose him anyway.  It went well, he was willing to chat with us for quite a while.  We determined that the sonographers in his office can perform the ultrasounds needed for any IUI cycle.  They're not cheap (what about infertility is?) but he did agree to waive his office visit fee to interpret them before being sent on to whatever specialist we choose to work with in our Big City.  His philosophies are actually quite different than my previous RE.  For example, he doesn't think I need Clomid (because I ovulate on my own), nor does he really support me taking it.  But he's willing to prescribe it if that's what we choose.

While that meeting was beneficial, we haven't really had a chance to sit down and really consider our options at this point (which would most likely be continuing with Clomid or Injectable Meds and IUI - ultrasounds here and procedure in Big City).  Life has been a bit overwhelming lately...  Anyway, I'll give updates as we have them but as of now, we aren't pursuing anything.  LIFE!

My Plea

I've always loved this song, and we sang it this past Sunday.  I found myself crying out, pleading with the Lord for him to bring me to a place where I can sing these words with all of my heart and really mean it.

Blessed be Your Name (excerpt)

Matt Redman

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering
Blessed be Your name
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

I want to be able to stand up, lift my hands, and say Lord - you are good.  No matter what, you are good.  And I choose to bless your name in the midst of suffering, of pain, and confused trust.  I choose to praise you not only when things are good, but when things are rough and the waters are cloudy.  I love you, Lord.  Bring me closer to you, close enough to be able to sing this verse and mean it!

Oh...Job...

Stick with me - these verses are a bit long!

So Ben and I been doing a 60-day overview of the Bible for our devtionals.  Two days ago, we read in Job and I was just so convicted.   

Job, who suffered and suffered, and suffered, is able to say this at the epilogue of the book (Chapter 42):



Job Responds to the Lord

 ¹ Then Job replied to the Lord:

 ² “I know that you can do anything,
      and no one can stop you.
 ³ You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’
      It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about,
      things far too wonderful for me.
 ⁴ You said, ‘Listen and I will speak!
      I have some questions for you,
      and you must answer them.’
 ⁵ I had only heard about you before,
      but now I have seen you with my own eyes.
 ⁶ I take back everything I said,
      and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.” 



And then, the next day, we read in Psalm 51.  Talk about conviction.

Psalm 51

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
       according to your unfailing love;
       according to your great compassion
       blot out my transgressions.

 ² Wash away all my iniquity
       and cleanse me from my sin.

 ³ For I know my transgressions,
       and my sin is always before me.

 ⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
       and done what is evil in your sight,
       so that you are proved right when you speak
       and justified when you judge.

 ^... 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ^[a] ;
       you teach ^[b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

 ⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
       wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

 ⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
       let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

 ⁹ Hide your face from my sins
       and blot out all my iniquity.

 ¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
       and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

 ¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
       or take your Holy Spirit from me.

 ¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
       and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

... ¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
       and my mouth will declare your praise.

And finally, I was reminded of Lamentations 3:22-24:

 ²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
      His mercies never cease.
 ²³ Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
 ²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”



So, there is my recent journey through Scripture that has reminded me that others have suffered in much greater ways than I, and the Lord was faithful through it all (Job was made twice as prosperous after his long period of hardship).  I was reminded to confess my sins, my dark heart before the pure and Holy and just God.  And finally, I was reminded that this same God is merciful and gracious, and he blesses me anew every morning.  I hope this may bring hope and encouragement to others.

Disappointment.

Sadness. Unbelievable pain. Fear. Utter heartbreak. Frustration. These are the feelings of another failed cycle. Ben and I will be continuing on this horrific journey. I think it's mostly hard to put into words what this really feels like. Yes, I can list off the words above, and though they are all so true and applicable, they just don't quite express my heart right now. I'm not sure if this is something one can understand without having been through it themselves. And while I don't wish this pain on anyone for any reason, I do feel like it might sometimes be nice to have someone near me (physically) who can understand or to relate.

I have been wanting to share a couple of resources I found at a wonderful Christian based infertility support forum. These are things that I thought might be useful to our loved ones who want to offer support. The first is simply a list of suggestions on how to help: http://sail.heritage-umc.org/html/helping_a_loved__one_with_infe.html.

This one is a poignant video. While we may not identify with everything, I felt that this video helps to reflect what our journey, our life is like while dealing with infertility: http://www.tearsandhope.com/.

I don't mean to be pushy with these things. It's just very difficult to express my heart about this journey. We don't often bring it up, because we know it's hard for others to understand and handle. We know that it's a depressing subject (believe me, we know). We never want to impose on others' good news with our difficulties, and I really feel that we actually do a great job of this. I think sometimes I'm scared that others ignore what we are going through because it's an uncomfortable situation, and events in others' lives do affect us in ways most can't imagine. But that doesn't mean we don't want to know, or that we can't celebrate with others. In fact, it's usually more painful to have others pretend like nothing is happening. Because it's natural to want to feel supported. But I think these resources explain most of this better than I can.

We are taking some time "off" so to speak so that we have time to investigate what doctors and resources we have here in town, and which places in the big city might be a good match for our needs. We do pray that something will work out, especially financially. We always covet and appreciate your prayers. Please let me know if you have any questions at all.

With Love,

Jenny