How Can I Keep From Singing

This is the last portion of Chris Tomlin's "How Can I Keep From Singing", which we sung in church a few weeks ago.  As I read these words on the screen, and as they started to come out of my mouth - I was struck by an incredible, overwhelming desire to truly believe, and mean them.

I can sing in the troubled times

Sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord

When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath

Sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels

And the saints around the throne

how can I keep from singing your praise 

how can I ever say enough, how amazing is your love 

how can I keep from shouting your name 

I know I am loved by the king and it makes my heart want to sing

We're about to leave for Canada, for Ben's family reunion.  I'm really excited - I love visiting Ontario.  This will be my third time, but the first with all of his brothers, and the first time with all the new grandkids.  Again - I'm truly excited (not only for a much needed break from work) for time with this wonderful family.  But I am a little worried, too.  When kids are around, they're the focus - it's just the way it is.  I worry about my heart.  My husband is incredible, already thinking about ways for us to be away, to have a break if needed.  But I'd covet your prayers!  We leave Friday night, and come back on the 25th.  Off we go, eh!!!

Day by Day

So, the agency we are attempting to work with has made a commitment to us.  They scheduled two weekends in August in the nearby Big City - the 12/13thth and 26th/27th.  They said if we commit to coming, they'll commit to hold the classes no matter what.

We put in the request for Ben's days off and have committed to trying to take the classes then.  While two months, to most people, doesn't seem like much - for us this seems like a really long delay.  But we will sit and trust that this is the perfect timing that we know God is capable of.

Twists and Turns

Well, there are (it seems) a lot of times where life sure doesn't work out the way we plan.

The classes we were supposed to take in the weekend version with the agency we have been looking into were cancelled due to low enrollment.  So, instead of experiencing several hours of adoption classes this weekend, we are home and experiencing a lot of questions.

The Lord is gracious - we don't feel angry, frustrated, or upset.  We really are just confused.  So many thoughts run through our minds.  We found out on Monday that they "may" be cancelled but weren't told until yesterday (Friday - first day of the class) that they were cancelled for sure.  First, I (of course) was experiencing my period starting a bit late due to prescription progesterone - but a couple days later than usual - and so here I was thinking...maybe the classes are being cancelled because I'm pregnant!!!  No such luck.  And then - all the other questions start flooding in.  Was this a closed door?  Are we not supposed to dive into getting more information?  What on earth is happening?  What do we do??

The agency has started looking into video conferencing for the classes, and the next round of 7 Tuesday classes in the Big City start August 9th (which seems years away), but they have no idea if they can be up and running by then to allow us to attend from home.  They also have weekend classes in the same format in July in Tucson, but we'll be in Canada during the first set.

So...we have no idea what's going on or where to go from here.  We'd love your prayers for discernment, wisdom, and peace.

Resources Available

Ben and I have had two really great resources through our infertility journey: a book called Hannah's Hope, and a CD recording of a Focus on the Family broadcast about infertility.  I think both express a great deal of our hearts and minds.

If any of you who are close to us have any interest in reading or listening, we will be more than happy to lend our copies or buy you your own.  We know that there's often lots of questions, or lots of discomfort when it comes to discussing this journey, or even walking it with us.  But I think these two things are able to express SO much about this journey that I just felt so validated listening and reading - seeing or hearing my own emotions there on paper (or on CD).  Particularly, the book has, at the end of each chapter, a section called "Burden Bearers" designed specifically for those who know a loved one experiencing infertility.  But, the whole book is just great.

Anyhow - enough about that.  But the resources are available if you want!  Just let me know!

Baby Steps (Pardon the Pun)

So, in line with a couple of years of not having any inclination that we would have ever been in this place, the feeling is fresh yet again.

Several weeks ago, Ben & I took a long focused weekend to pray and fast about the next steps in our infertility journey.  We asked four couples near and dear to us to come alongside us and each took one day to bathe us in prayer.  Right around the same time, I got two very unrelated and just as unexpected referrals to talk to friends/family of friends via email about their adoption experiences.  Both of these couples adopted very recently, and both through the same Christian agency in the Big City that I've mentioned before, which is about two hours away.  After this focused weekend, neither Ben nor I had any magnificent revelations.  However, we did both feel a very strong tug to start looking into adoption.  We put on hold any plans to look into a Big City fertility center and instead explore this nebulous and intimidating thing called adoption, and in particular, this adoption agency.

We requested information from this agency, read through it carefully, and decided that we wanted to take their series of classes, which are required of anyone going through their agency.  We were hungry for more information, and found out they are running the classes in two Fri-Sat sessions in a smaller city in June.  This is a great alternative to their normal Tuesdays from 6-9 in the Big City.  We communicated our desire to attend, and were told we would have to have an initial consultation before being allowed to.  We were already going to be heading down to Big City for our anniversary weekend, and I called to see if there was any way we could meet with someone the Friday we were coming down (a mere 3 days from that phone call), and miraculously, it worked out.

It was, easily, one of the most interesting 1.5 hours of my life.  The first part was our case worker asking us LOTS of questions.  Then, she walked us through every single step and piece of paper involved in getting ready to put our match letter into their book and books in pregnancy centers around the Big City. Wow.  So. Much. Information.  Anyhow - the moral of that story is that we walked away feeling a little overwhelmed and knowing we had a lot to think about.  We signed and sent our check for the June classes, which will be on June 10-11 and 24-25.  We look forward to absorbing more, and delving deeper into this world.

As we move forward, we vulnerably ask for your prayers for wisdom.  For discernment.  For clarity.  We want this to be God's story - not ours.

Day Seven: Every New Day

Here's my final offering in my series of seven songs that touch my heart, convict my soul, or speak to my feelings so well that I want to pretend like I wrote them....

So, Ben is Canadian.  Which makes sense as to why he loves Five Iron Frenzy so much.  He spent a lot of his youth going, with his brothers, to ska shows with these guys, The Supertones, etc.  Anyway, when I was trying to impress Ben I invested a lot of energy in learning some of their lyrics.  A few songs actually caught me - and this was by far my favorite.  You can listen here, which is great because they happened to use the live version from their very last concert.  The end is so full of emotion - it's just awesome.

When I was young, the smallest trick of light,
Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day,

I thought that I could fly.

I believed in what I hoped for,

And I hoped for things unseen,

I had wings and dreams could soar,

I just don't feel like flying anymore.

When the stars threw down their spears,

Watered Heaven with their tears,

Before words were spoken,

Before eternity.

Dear Father, I need you,

Your strength my heart to mend.

I want to fly higher,

Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach,

Was not so high,

Then I thought the world was so much smaller,

Feeling that I could fly.

Through distant deeps and skies,

Behind infinity,

Below the face of Heaven,

He stoops to create me.

Dear Father, I need you,

Your strength my heart to mend.

I want to fly higher,

Every new day again.

Man versus himself.

Man versus machine.

Man versus the world.

Mankind versus me.

The struggles go on,

The wisdom I lack,

The burdens keep pilling

Up on my back.

So hard to breathe,

To take the next step.

The mountain is high,

I wait in the depths.

Yearning for grace,

And hoping for peace.

Dear God...

Increase.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.

Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.

Freedom means love without condition,

without a beginning or an end.

Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new
(Bolded for my own emphasis)


AMEN!

Day Six: Worlds Apart

Okay, so if Third Day is legendary, I have no idea how to describe Jars of Clay...  Here's a song that just plain brings me to my knees.  You can listen here.

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same

Soaring on the wings of selfish pride

I flew too high and like Icarus I collide

With a world I try so hard to leave behind

To rid myself of all but love

to give and die

To turn away and not become

Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves

more deeply than the oceans,

more abundant than the tears

Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice

Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart

To need you - I am on my knees

To love you - take my world apart

To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone

Amongst remains of a life I should not own

It takes all I am to believe

In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?

All I am for all you are

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross

forgetting what my life has cost

and wipe away the crimson stains

and dull the nails that still remain

More and more I need you now,

I owe you more each passing hour

the battle between grace and pride

I gave up not so long ago

So steal my heart and take the pain

and wash the feet and cleanse my pride

take the selfish, take the weak,

and all the things I cannot hide

take the beauty, take my tears

the sin-soaked heart and make it yours

take my world all apart

take it now, take it now

and serve the ones that I despise

speak the words I can't deny

watch the world I used to love

fall to dust and thrown away

I look beyond the empty cross

forgetting what my life has cost

so wipe away the crimson stains

and dull the nails that still remain

so steal my heart and take the pain

take the selfish, take the weak

and all the things I cannot hide

take the beauty, take my tears

take my world apart, take my world apart

I pray, I pray, I pray

take my world apart