For HIS Goodness, by HIS Mercy

Today in church, we sang a song called "Today is the Day" by Lincoln Brewster.  Our Paster taught on Psalm 23 in his Psalms of Summer series.  Together, they placed a large conviction on my life that the infertility journey we are on is for HIS goodness, and by HIS mercy.

The song lyrics talk about giving our hopes and dreams to Jesus, of rejoicing in today without worrying about tomorrow, and knowing that all He has in store for us is GOOD.  David's prose in the Psalm reminds us that "surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."  God's goodness includes everything about himself - his wrath, his compassion, his judgement, his discipline, his grace - it's ALL good.  And Pastor's closing message to the body was that if there's anything in our life that we are dwelling on, that we are letting control us, that we are allowing to drown us in the valley of death even though we personally know our Conquerer - that we need to bring this before God and call it HIS goodness and HIS mercy.

So there you have it.  My own personal convictions of today.  Song lyrics below (you can listen here) - which are my deepest cry to God - that these would become REAL in my life.

I'm casting my cares aside

I'm leaving my past behind

I'm setting my heart and mind on You

Jesus

I'm reaching my hand to Yours

Believing theres so much more

Knowing that all You have in store for me is good

Is good

Chorus:

Today is the day You have made

I will rejoice and be glad in it

Today is the day You have made

I will rejoice and be glad in it

And I won't worry about tomorrow

I'm trusting in what You say

Today is the day

I putting my fears aside

I'm leaving my doubts behind

I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You

Jesus

I'm reaching my hand to Yours

Believing there's so much more

Knowing that all You have in store for me is good

Is good

Days Gone By

Phew.  It does surprise me sometimes how how it's been since I have written anything here.

Our first adoption class is less than a week away, and we'll travel to the nearby big city on Friday for our introduction.  Classes are this Friday-Saturday, and then again on the 26th-27th.  We are looking forward to a time of being overwhelmed by information, and hopefully opening our hearts and minds to exactly what God has for us.  It's been a long time coming - the adoption packet has been sitting in our kitchen drawer since May, waiting for an opportunity to learn more...

It's a little bit scary.  It's a little bit awesome.  It's a little bit...well...like God's game and not ours.

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.  For in just a very little while,
      'He who is coming will come and will live by faith.  And if he shrinks back, I will not be
       pleased with him.'
But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
HEBREWS 10:35-39

How Can I Keep From Singing

This is the last portion of Chris Tomlin's "How Can I Keep From Singing", which we sung in church a few weeks ago.  As I read these words on the screen, and as they started to come out of my mouth - I was struck by an incredible, overwhelming desire to truly believe, and mean them.

I can sing in the troubled times

Sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord

When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath

Sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels

And the saints around the throne

how can I keep from singing your praise 

how can I ever say enough, how amazing is your love 

how can I keep from shouting your name 

I know I am loved by the king and it makes my heart want to sing

We're about to leave for Canada, for Ben's family reunion.  I'm really excited - I love visiting Ontario.  This will be my third time, but the first with all of his brothers, and the first time with all the new grandkids.  Again - I'm truly excited (not only for a much needed break from work) for time with this wonderful family.  But I am a little worried, too.  When kids are around, they're the focus - it's just the way it is.  I worry about my heart.  My husband is incredible, already thinking about ways for us to be away, to have a break if needed.  But I'd covet your prayers!  We leave Friday night, and come back on the 25th.  Off we go, eh!!!

Day by Day

So, the agency we are attempting to work with has made a commitment to us.  They scheduled two weekends in August in the nearby Big City - the 12/13thth and 26th/27th.  They said if we commit to coming, they'll commit to hold the classes no matter what.

We put in the request for Ben's days off and have committed to trying to take the classes then.  While two months, to most people, doesn't seem like much - for us this seems like a really long delay.  But we will sit and trust that this is the perfect timing that we know God is capable of.

Twists and Turns

Well, there are (it seems) a lot of times where life sure doesn't work out the way we plan.

The classes we were supposed to take in the weekend version with the agency we have been looking into were cancelled due to low enrollment.  So, instead of experiencing several hours of adoption classes this weekend, we are home and experiencing a lot of questions.

The Lord is gracious - we don't feel angry, frustrated, or upset.  We really are just confused.  So many thoughts run through our minds.  We found out on Monday that they "may" be cancelled but weren't told until yesterday (Friday - first day of the class) that they were cancelled for sure.  First, I (of course) was experiencing my period starting a bit late due to prescription progesterone - but a couple days later than usual - and so here I was thinking...maybe the classes are being cancelled because I'm pregnant!!!  No such luck.  And then - all the other questions start flooding in.  Was this a closed door?  Are we not supposed to dive into getting more information?  What on earth is happening?  What do we do??

The agency has started looking into video conferencing for the classes, and the next round of 7 Tuesday classes in the Big City start August 9th (which seems years away), but they have no idea if they can be up and running by then to allow us to attend from home.  They also have weekend classes in the same format in July in Tucson, but we'll be in Canada during the first set.

So...we have no idea what's going on or where to go from here.  We'd love your prayers for discernment, wisdom, and peace.

Resources Available

Ben and I have had two really great resources through our infertility journey: a book called Hannah's Hope, and a CD recording of a Focus on the Family broadcast about infertility.  I think both express a great deal of our hearts and minds.

If any of you who are close to us have any interest in reading or listening, we will be more than happy to lend our copies or buy you your own.  We know that there's often lots of questions, or lots of discomfort when it comes to discussing this journey, or even walking it with us.  But I think these two things are able to express SO much about this journey that I just felt so validated listening and reading - seeing or hearing my own emotions there on paper (or on CD).  Particularly, the book has, at the end of each chapter, a section called "Burden Bearers" designed specifically for those who know a loved one experiencing infertility.  But, the whole book is just great.

Anyhow - enough about that.  But the resources are available if you want!  Just let me know!

Baby Steps (Pardon the Pun)

So, in line with a couple of years of not having any inclination that we would have ever been in this place, the feeling is fresh yet again.

Several weeks ago, Ben & I took a long focused weekend to pray and fast about the next steps in our infertility journey.  We asked four couples near and dear to us to come alongside us and each took one day to bathe us in prayer.  Right around the same time, I got two very unrelated and just as unexpected referrals to talk to friends/family of friends via email about their adoption experiences.  Both of these couples adopted very recently, and both through the same Christian agency in the Big City that I've mentioned before, which is about two hours away.  After this focused weekend, neither Ben nor I had any magnificent revelations.  However, we did both feel a very strong tug to start looking into adoption.  We put on hold any plans to look into a Big City fertility center and instead explore this nebulous and intimidating thing called adoption, and in particular, this adoption agency.

We requested information from this agency, read through it carefully, and decided that we wanted to take their series of classes, which are required of anyone going through their agency.  We were hungry for more information, and found out they are running the classes in two Fri-Sat sessions in a smaller city in June.  This is a great alternative to their normal Tuesdays from 6-9 in the Big City.  We communicated our desire to attend, and were told we would have to have an initial consultation before being allowed to.  We were already going to be heading down to Big City for our anniversary weekend, and I called to see if there was any way we could meet with someone the Friday we were coming down (a mere 3 days from that phone call), and miraculously, it worked out.

It was, easily, one of the most interesting 1.5 hours of my life.  The first part was our case worker asking us LOTS of questions.  Then, she walked us through every single step and piece of paper involved in getting ready to put our match letter into their book and books in pregnancy centers around the Big City. Wow.  So. Much. Information.  Anyhow - the moral of that story is that we walked away feeling a little overwhelmed and knowing we had a lot to think about.  We signed and sent our check for the June classes, which will be on June 10-11 and 24-25.  We look forward to absorbing more, and delving deeper into this world.

As we move forward, we vulnerably ask for your prayers for wisdom.  For discernment.  For clarity.  We want this to be God's story - not ours.