Infertility, Continued...

I mentioned in a lot of my posts, as we were preparing to adopt, that the infertility struggle will be a part of our forever story.  And now I really know it's true.  I cannot be clear enough that God mightily answered our prayers by gifting us with Nora.  And I could not be more thrilled to be a mom!  (more on that later)  It's the very role I've been desiring for over three years, and He filled my arms and we are SO grateful.  That's really an understatement.  It's like saying I'm grateful for the Cross.  Um, duh.  And words just can't express that.

But...there is still infertility in our life.  There are real moments where we wonder if Nora will be an only child.  And that is SO not the plan we had.  There are real moments of hope that someday God might open my womb and bless us with a biological child.  There are real moments of fear when I acknowledge that may NEVER happen.  There are real moments where I wonder if I have the strength to adopt again.  Ben would do it in a heartbeat.  I think he inherited that mystical amnesia that mothers who go through labor get (I've heard, anyway) - where the pain of the adoption and the unknown of those terrifying two weeks has disappeared from his mind.  But I haven't forgotten - those moments are still very new and fresh in my mind and heart.  Others who have adopted and have really smooth stories, where doubt never really crept in, and papers were signed the moment they were able to be, have given me those encouraging stories.  But my heart isn't ready for it again...and I don't know if it ever will be.  Not to mention the financial aspect.  Who knows if God will bless us to be financially able to do it again?

There's also been recent occasion for God to reveal to me that there are infertility wounds that have not healed.  With the adoption process, my heart and mind was so focused on that road and each next step - and of course, with the arrival of Nora - infertility had really left me alone for a while.  And now, I'm a mother!!!  My prayers and dreams have come true in a really incredible story.  For real - and the number of people that prayed with us and for us through this journey have SEEN GOD'S GLORY.  Praise Jesus!

But - there are still wounds.  They're different now - it's not remotely the same pain as the height of infertility.  But a friend of mine recently gave me the metaphor of a scab.  It's a wound that has healed over (absolutely true in the midst of the adoption and with the arrival of Nora).  But - one slight pick at that scab, and the wound feels fresh again.  What an accurate description.  I realized that I haven't grieved through the aches I have to be able to pee on a stick and see a positive result.  To have that incredibly traditional moment when I get to tell my husband we're pregnant.  To have the experience of telling family and friends in a really fun & exciting way.  Yes, we got to announce we were expecting through adoption, and we got to announce that Nora's birthmom chose us.  But everything is SO different through adoption.  The uncertainty and waiting just isn't the same, and one-time big announcements just aren't possible.  Baby showers - not the same.  Birth certificate - not the same.  First moments after birth - not the same.  And there are moments where I feel guilty that these things still hurt.  Because God answered my prayers, right?  Nora is ours and I'm a mother.  So what's the problem?  Well, the problem is that I've still got a scab.  And that scab hasn't scarred over yet and maybe never will.

But (and here's the really great but) - I know that the same God who walked with me through the last three and a half years will keep walking with me.  And will speak quietly to me in those painful moments.  And will help my heart be at peace with whatever the rest of our journey, the rest of our family will look like.

So - that's the honest truth.  :)  And here's my beautiful daughter.  Because again - none of this changes the JOY and GRATITUDE we have for the way God has grown our family, and the chance to be Nora's parents.

Adoption, Continued

So...adoption.  :)

There is so much to say that it's hard to know where to start...which is probably why I've been procrastinating all this time!  Here's a few highlights:

• It's been strange that Nora looks enough like Ben & me that we've really managed to avoid a lot of the weird adoption comments that the books prepare us for.  For example:  "How much did she cost?  Where are her real parents?", etc.
• Showing up at church with a baby is weird.  Lots of odd looks - lots of "I didn't even know you were pregnant!" comments.
• I never thought I could be so in love with someone so tiny, so immediately.
• Oh yes, there's still paperwork and agency stuff to be done.  We've already had a couple visits with the agency workers and there's still more to come as we work toward our final day in court.
• Our relationship with Nora's birthmother and her parents has, so far, been great!  

So, what about the good stuff?  Well...for starters...it's amazing to know that we've walked the exact road that God wanted us to be on.  All the really hard stuff = totally worth it.  I know everyone says that along the journey, but it's incredible to actually experience truth in that.  However, I don't want to downplay the hard parts either.  The 17 days that we knew Nora, when she was in our home for 14 of those days before the papers were signed...we fell head over heels in love with her.  She was ours - we cared for her, we fed her, diapered her, we knew her deeply in the middle of the night, and snuggled her like crazy.  But yet - she wasn't ours.  Her birthmom really, really struggled with the reality of her decision and it took much longer than usual for her to sign the papers.  Ben & I wondered if every moment would be our last with Nora.  It was torture, even though in each of those moments we prayed for the strength to love her and her birthmom NO MATTER WHAT.  But in those tiny seconds when I allowed myself to consider the possible reality of relinquishing our daughter - I could not function.  I couldn't do it.  We prayed through so many Psalms every night as we went to bed and I cried out to Jesus to give me the faith to believe I would praise him no matter what.  But it was a period of time where I hardly ate, and I hardly smiled.  This is the dark side of adoption.  The loss and grief that will happen regardless of the situation - the birthfamily and adoptive family will have its own version no matter the details.  And yet it's all for the glory of God.  And the glory of the beautiful child, who everyone loves so very much and we all are trying to make the best decisions for.

Anyway...there's more...but I'll get to it later.  I want to close by ensuring I state that there is SO MUCH JOY in adoption.  There is so much joy in the Father answering our prayers and placing our daughter (OUR DAUGHTER!) in our arms.  I will never gloss over the difficulties in both the infertility and adoption journeys, but I will also never hide how gracious HE is and what it's like to feel our dreams come true in this perfect little girl.

Crafty-Ness

Okay, so I've been procrastinating writing the serious side of our adoption.  :)  In the meantime...here's some pictures of rare crafty inspired activity in my house!

Before picture of the nursery hamper.  It was an old one we had lying around but weren't using!

Re-done!  I spray painted it white and dyed the fabric liner brown.  Sorry for the different lighting!

With the help of my friend Jessica, I made Nora's name for the nursery!  I used thin canvas boards (painted them purple), wooden letters (painted white), and white ribbon.  I used dresser knobs to hang on the wall.

All done!

Joy Upon Joy Upon Sorrow Upon Joy

Well.......we have a new LOVE in our life!!!  Welcome Nora Gabriella Scott - born 7/31, gifted to us through adoption on 8/16.

Nora is just 5 days old here!  We're in her nursery and you can see how in love we are!

I have been struggling to write this post because adoption is so full of so many things.  First, I cannot imagine the world now any different than being Nora's mom.  It's incredible.  It's sleepless.  It's so full of love.  But the journey to get here has been full of God's grace, but so, well...difficult.  We knew in our heads that loss is always a part of adoption.  Both the birthfamily and the adoptive family experience loss in a myriad of ways.  But we never expected to be so immediately in love with a baby who was not yet ours to parent forever.  And I also never expected to empathize so much with the feelings of grief that we knew Nora's birthfamily was experiencing.  When we drove away from the hospital, I almost passed out I was experiencing SO MUCH EMOTION.

Nora came home with us on Friday, 8/3, but it wasn't until Thursday, 8/16 that we knew she'd be in our family forever.  Those two weeks were easily the hardest I've experienced in my life.  I knew God was calling me to love this perfect, precious, gorgeous girl NO MATTER WHAT.  Even if it was only for 2 weeks.  But every moment I remembered it could be my last with her was torture.  But we loved anyway, and boy did we LOVE!

She's now a month old and I can't believe it took me this long to write even this little bit of our story!!!  I promise I'll tell more of it soon, but for now, just look at this perfect little angel!

Nora is 4 weeks old here, and wearing her first dress!

Words Can't Express...

I came across this on another adoption blog, and frankly, I have no words.  It's just an incredible reminder that God will call us to situations for which we DO NOT KNOW the end result, and we are called to love all those involved, even if only for a moment, because God tells us to and because it's our privilege to do it.

Watch this video here, of the author describing why he wrote this song.  The full lyrics to this song are below.  The full music video is here.

All of Me

Matt Hammitt

Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

-"All of Me", Matt Hammitt

Our Nursery

So, one way we have been filling these waiting months was getting the nursery ready!  Everything is neutral, and I (as always) had lots of trouble making decisions so each step really took a while!  We painted about two months ago, because we knew that would be the one thing that would get immensely harder if we brought a little one home unexpectedly.  Then we put the office furniture back in.  :)

A couple weeks later, we decided to go for it and started all the other steps.  We put together the furniture we had bought from Craigslist a while ago.  We put on the bedding that Ben's mom lovingly had us pick out and purchased for us.  We bought the white curtains and Ben designed how they should be put up.  We got the chair we bought from Craigslist from our family in the nearby big city who were storing it since they picked it up.  My mother in law and I worked together on picking out the material for the chair cover and curtains...and I made the curtains!!  My first sewing feat as an adult, and I have to say, I'm quite proud! :)  This past weekend, the tree branch decals we bought finally came in the mail and Ben & I spent a good 3 hours putting them up (that was way harder than I expected).  So, now, here's the finished product!!!

The room to the left as you walk in.

The room looking in from the chair corner

We love having it all put together, and now it feels like such a real place when we pray in here for our birthmom and baby to come...  And now...we WAIT some more.  :)

Agony? Or am I overreacting?

Alright - so, we're still waiting.  I would love to say that I've managed to recently connect to Jesus in a deeper way in this, to cling to His plan and know in my deepest parts that it's the best possible plan.  Unfortunately, my eyes keep wandering and really, I've just been in agony.  I worry, I plot, I prepare some more, and I hang onto the sliver of hope for dear life.  Each day gets so much harder.  Each waiting family with our agency we see get matched and be blessed with the little one meant for them is like a tiny stab to my heart.  I am continuing to see milestones pass that I once looked ahead to and thought, "Of course we'll have our little one by then!".  And my heart aches.  And aches and aches and aches.

But, this morning, I was listening to a CD put together by my best friend, who has faithfully led a small group of women in a wonderful Bible study over the last year plus.  We had a worship night quite some time ago, and she gave us each a CD of the songs we listened to and worshiped with that night.  On it is a song that this gal's husband vulnerably shared with Ben & I just a few months ago.  It was hard for me to hear it then as a reminder of the possibility of where my heart could actually be in faith, and it's still hard now.  But it's an incredible reminder that our trust in Him CANNOT be circumstantial.  Our trust and rejoicing has to be based in what He did for us. 

Please, Jesus, help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me live these words (the entire song is below):

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Listen here

The Desert Song

Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow