Motherhood

I have been having a hard time composing this post because it's so difficult to describe all the things I've felt since becoming a mother!!!  It's absolutely the whirlwind everyone describes, compounded by the fact that we had two weeks to prepare for our little one's arrival, instead of the normal 9 months.

Every moment does fly by.  There is more truth in this statement that I ever could have imagined.  I recently looked back at some of Nora's brand new pictures - and cannot hardly remember her being THAT tiny and frail.

Nora, at just 5 days old

I tear up, actually, to think that this stage of her life feels so far away.  That the days of her resting on my chest, with no wiggles or anywhere to go, are long gone...  That the days of her snoozing on me, with me, also appear to be over.  That her preemie and newborn clothes are packed away, and her 0-3 months will be soon as well.  I do not, however, miss feeding her every two hours in the middle of the night.  Let's be clear on that :).

I tear up when I think about how much she's developed.  That she now has a personality, smiling and talking all the time, especially with mom and dad.  That she gives me a great big smile every time she sees it's me getting her up in the morning or after naptimes.  That she's a happy little girl who loves to wiggle and move and not so much snuggle anymore.

Little Miss up on her arms during tummy time for the first time!

Today, Nora rolled over for the first time (from her tummy to her back)!!!!!!!!  It was such an incredible moment, to watch her do this amazing thing that her tiny little body just learned how to do.  That God designed her to grow in ways that will allow her to reach all these milestones.  It was also terrifying, to know that she is now moving.  Like, REALLY moving.  So not only does this mean that my infant is becoming a little girl (way hard on Mommy right now), but it also means that we're entering a new stage with her and are now parents who have to closely watch her!  

Motherhood is a whirlwind.  TRUTH.  There is SO MUCH JOY in watching your child grow that I can't even begin to express in words.  I think, too, alongside everything else, there is something more, as there always will be in the world of adoption.  I feared for so long that there would be moments that my child wouldn't feel 100% like my child, having not carried her for 9 months, not nursing her, knowing her in the incredibly intimate way most mothers will know their children.  And though there have been fleeting moments like that along the way...Nora is my daughter.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she knows me as Mommy and I love her more than I ever imagined.  Sometimes I wonder if loving a biological child is the same - and I suppose I may never know that.  But I love Nora and there is no disconnect between her and me.  It's just not there.

There's so much more I want to say about motherhood, but since I've gone on long enough already...stay tuned.  :)

Mommy and Nora

Thanksgiving

For the last couple weeks, I kept seeing people's 30 days of thanks status updates pop up on Facebook.  I decided (you know, in my infinitesimal wisdom) that it had become "trendy" and that I don't generally "do" trendy.  And then the ridiculousness of that thought occurred to me.  Really?  Who am I?  I kind of wanted to throw up a little bit just admitting that.  People are finding something everyday to be thankful for!  And what am I doing?  I am being high and mighty, and in the meantime, setting aside no time or energy to be thankful.  Ridiculous, yes?

I follow a blog here, and she has a post today about being appreciative, and I couldn't help but share these words written by the eloquent author:

As much I like to say I am striving to grasp what really matters, I need reminders. Reminders that take my breath away … reminders that drop me to my knees and shake me from my selfish, materialistic fog … reminders that send me running to my children’s bedrooms to cry silent tears while listening to their beat of their hearts.

Truth be told, I need reminders to see the gifts of my life in the mundane … to be thankful for the ordinary events of my day—that if I actually stop to think about them—are really quite miraculous.

I need reminders that motivate me to be in a perpetual state of gratitude, not just on Thanksgiving Day.

So, on this Thanksgiving Eve, here are a few things I am truly Thankful for, that I needed a harsh reminder to get me out of my own "fog" to meditate on:

• For Jesus.  This is not a cliche.  He is my SAVIOR.  My life would be so radically different - and not in a good way - if He hadn't called me to himself that incredible moment 11 years ago.
• For my husband.  God gave me an incredible gift in this man who is everything God knew I needed in this life.  
• For my sweet, sweet Nora.  My amazing daughter who teaches me everyday how to love in new ways, who teaches me to marvel at God's designs and creations as she changes in a million ways every minute of every day.  For the woman who made the choice to bring her into this world and bless our family with the biggest gift we've ever received.
• For a home, a job, and all the materialistic things that God has given me for today.  A friend recently told me (when I selfishly chattered on about how we paid for our adoption, and then immediately needed a new car, and then our dryer started making terrible noises) about how we live in a broken world.  So, why are we surprised when things break?  It doesn't matter, because we have all we need.
• For friends who are like family and know me deeply and intimately, and family who possesses my identity and history in ways no one else can.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Three Months

Okay, at some point I swear I'll get my act together and start writing something other than Nora's monthly updates (you know, like about this crazy thing called motherhood that is just simply more amazing that I ever thought it would be)...  But for now....

Our baby girl is THREE MONTHS OLD!!!

We also survived our first Halloween, fit with pumpkin carving and handing out candy!!

I mean, seriously.  Can you get enough of that face?!!!

Two Months Old!

Our beautiful daughter is Two Months Old!!!

Cutest baby ever!

Staying warm!!  On our very first camping trip with Nora - to the N. Rim of the Grand Canyon.  We went with our brave friends, Stephen & Jessica.  :)

Hiking a trail at the N. Rim.

The edge of our campsite.  Good thing she's not walking yet!  :)

Infertility, Continued...

I mentioned in a lot of my posts, as we were preparing to adopt, that the infertility struggle will be a part of our forever story.  And now I really know it's true.  I cannot be clear enough that God mightily answered our prayers by gifting us with Nora.  And I could not be more thrilled to be a mom!  (more on that later)  It's the very role I've been desiring for over three years, and He filled my arms and we are SO grateful.  That's really an understatement.  It's like saying I'm grateful for the Cross.  Um, duh.  And words just can't express that.

But...there is still infertility in our life.  There are real moments where we wonder if Nora will be an only child.  And that is SO not the plan we had.  There are real moments of hope that someday God might open my womb and bless us with a biological child.  There are real moments of fear when I acknowledge that may NEVER happen.  There are real moments where I wonder if I have the strength to adopt again.  Ben would do it in a heartbeat.  I think he inherited that mystical amnesia that mothers who go through labor get (I've heard, anyway) - where the pain of the adoption and the unknown of those terrifying two weeks has disappeared from his mind.  But I haven't forgotten - those moments are still very new and fresh in my mind and heart.  Others who have adopted and have really smooth stories, where doubt never really crept in, and papers were signed the moment they were able to be, have given me those encouraging stories.  But my heart isn't ready for it again...and I don't know if it ever will be.  Not to mention the financial aspect.  Who knows if God will bless us to be financially able to do it again?

There's also been recent occasion for God to reveal to me that there are infertility wounds that have not healed.  With the adoption process, my heart and mind was so focused on that road and each next step - and of course, with the arrival of Nora - infertility had really left me alone for a while.  And now, I'm a mother!!!  My prayers and dreams have come true in a really incredible story.  For real - and the number of people that prayed with us and for us through this journey have SEEN GOD'S GLORY.  Praise Jesus!

But - there are still wounds.  They're different now - it's not remotely the same pain as the height of infertility.  But a friend of mine recently gave me the metaphor of a scab.  It's a wound that has healed over (absolutely true in the midst of the adoption and with the arrival of Nora).  But - one slight pick at that scab, and the wound feels fresh again.  What an accurate description.  I realized that I haven't grieved through the aches I have to be able to pee on a stick and see a positive result.  To have that incredibly traditional moment when I get to tell my husband we're pregnant.  To have the experience of telling family and friends in a really fun & exciting way.  Yes, we got to announce we were expecting through adoption, and we got to announce that Nora's birthmom chose us.  But everything is SO different through adoption.  The uncertainty and waiting just isn't the same, and one-time big announcements just aren't possible.  Baby showers - not the same.  Birth certificate - not the same.  First moments after birth - not the same.  And there are moments where I feel guilty that these things still hurt.  Because God answered my prayers, right?  Nora is ours and I'm a mother.  So what's the problem?  Well, the problem is that I've still got a scab.  And that scab hasn't scarred over yet and maybe never will.

But (and here's the really great but) - I know that the same God who walked with me through the last three and a half years will keep walking with me.  And will speak quietly to me in those painful moments.  And will help my heart be at peace with whatever the rest of our journey, the rest of our family will look like.

So - that's the honest truth.  :)  And here's my beautiful daughter.  Because again - none of this changes the JOY and GRATITUDE we have for the way God has grown our family, and the chance to be Nora's parents.

Adoption, Continued

So...adoption.  :)

There is so much to say that it's hard to know where to start...which is probably why I've been procrastinating all this time!  Here's a few highlights:

• It's been strange that Nora looks enough like Ben & me that we've really managed to avoid a lot of the weird adoption comments that the books prepare us for.  For example:  "How much did she cost?  Where are her real parents?", etc.
• Showing up at church with a baby is weird.  Lots of odd looks - lots of "I didn't even know you were pregnant!" comments.
• I never thought I could be so in love with someone so tiny, so immediately.
• Oh yes, there's still paperwork and agency stuff to be done.  We've already had a couple visits with the agency workers and there's still more to come as we work toward our final day in court.
• Our relationship with Nora's birthmother and her parents has, so far, been great!  

So, what about the good stuff?  Well...for starters...it's amazing to know that we've walked the exact road that God wanted us to be on.  All the really hard stuff = totally worth it.  I know everyone says that along the journey, but it's incredible to actually experience truth in that.  However, I don't want to downplay the hard parts either.  The 17 days that we knew Nora, when she was in our home for 14 of those days before the papers were signed...we fell head over heels in love with her.  She was ours - we cared for her, we fed her, diapered her, we knew her deeply in the middle of the night, and snuggled her like crazy.  But yet - she wasn't ours.  Her birthmom really, really struggled with the reality of her decision and it took much longer than usual for her to sign the papers.  Ben & I wondered if every moment would be our last with Nora.  It was torture, even though in each of those moments we prayed for the strength to love her and her birthmom NO MATTER WHAT.  But in those tiny seconds when I allowed myself to consider the possible reality of relinquishing our daughter - I could not function.  I couldn't do it.  We prayed through so many Psalms every night as we went to bed and I cried out to Jesus to give me the faith to believe I would praise him no matter what.  But it was a period of time where I hardly ate, and I hardly smiled.  This is the dark side of adoption.  The loss and grief that will happen regardless of the situation - the birthfamily and adoptive family will have its own version no matter the details.  And yet it's all for the glory of God.  And the glory of the beautiful child, who everyone loves so very much and we all are trying to make the best decisions for.

Anyway...there's more...but I'll get to it later.  I want to close by ensuring I state that there is SO MUCH JOY in adoption.  There is so much joy in the Father answering our prayers and placing our daughter (OUR DAUGHTER!) in our arms.  I will never gloss over the difficulties in both the infertility and adoption journeys, but I will also never hide how gracious HE is and what it's like to feel our dreams come true in this perfect little girl.

Crafty-Ness

Okay, so I've been procrastinating writing the serious side of our adoption.  :)  In the meantime...here's some pictures of rare crafty inspired activity in my house!

Before picture of the nursery hamper.  It was an old one we had lying around but weren't using!

Re-done!  I spray painted it white and dyed the fabric liner brown.  Sorry for the different lighting!

With the help of my friend Jessica, I made Nora's name for the nursery!  I used thin canvas boards (painted them purple), wooden letters (painted white), and white ribbon.  I used dresser knobs to hang on the wall.

All done!