February

February is a tough month.  This one marks the two year anniversary since we started trying to have a child.  I've been dreading reaching this milestone.  I've also been dreading the completion of our home.  I know that sounds really weird - but it's provided a much needed distraction from our infertility process over the last few months.  In a way, our hearts, souls, time, energy, and sanity were all poured into the progression of taking a run down, bank owned house and creating a home for ourselves.  While we continued to actively try, we let all medical help go by the wayside while our finances, time, and energy went into this process.  Now, I am working full time (which is stressful enough on its own), we have moved into this completed home, and we'll be faced yet again with all the questions - do we continue with IUI procedures?  Can we even afford to do so without any insurance coverage (each cycle we choose this route will cost a considerable amount of money)?  Which fertility center in the Big City will we choose?  At what point do we stop pouring money into the process of trying to have our own, and instead begin saving for an adoption procedure?

So, now that the house is done - I'm terrified of facing days again where the pain is so overwhelming that I can only function at a surface level at best to keep it at bay.  Not to mention that this house is far too large for the two of us.  Lots of empty space to haunt me.

However, I now have a practically brand new home.  It's incredible, and beautiful.  I can't believe what my husband, his dad and brothers, and lots of very dear friends, were able to accomplish in just three months.  It's a beautiful home, and while we still have projects to finish and unpacking to do...it's our home.  We live in this house now, and anxiously await the perfectly orchestrated situation to come along and our trailer to be sold.

Proverbs 14:1
"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."  Lord, help me to be a wise woman, one who will take this home and build it up for you, for her marriage.  Jesus I plead that you give me the patience I lack, heal me of the anger that flares, and help us to live each day for its own purpose and not look only toward the future that we cannot predict.  Please, Lord, don't allow me to tear down this home with loss of hope, with lack of trust, or with selfishness.