CHRISTMAS

Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.


Let us never forget the reason we celebrate Christmas.  This is my challenge to myself.  You see, I LOVE Christmas.  I start listening to Christmas music after Halloween.  I force my husband to put up mountains of Christmas lights even though he doesn't enjoy doing it.  I decorate my house like a pro, having collected a mountain of decorations over the years.  And now, I dress up my daughter to be the MOST adorable baby in the world.

Christmas Family Photo, courtesy Stephen Probert Photography

Cutest Santa ever, right?

But in the midst of my Christmas craze, it's really easy to forget the REAL reason we do any of this, and that reason is Jesus Christ.  I am so grateful that God chose to save the world through a tiny baby, born in the most humble of ways, even though He was, is, and always will be a King.  Here's two of my favorite Christmas songs that help me remember what Christmas is really about:

Relient K - I Celebrate the Day - listen here

Joy Williams - Here With Us - listen here

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and yours - and prayers that you know the gift of our incredible Savior!

Motherhood

I have been having a hard time composing this post because it's so difficult to describe all the things I've felt since becoming a mother!!!  It's absolutely the whirlwind everyone describes, compounded by the fact that we had two weeks to prepare for our little one's arrival, instead of the normal 9 months.

Every moment does fly by.  There is more truth in this statement that I ever could have imagined.  I recently looked back at some of Nora's brand new pictures - and cannot hardly remember her being THAT tiny and frail.

Nora, at just 5 days old

I tear up, actually, to think that this stage of her life feels so far away.  That the days of her resting on my chest, with no wiggles or anywhere to go, are long gone...  That the days of her snoozing on me, with me, also appear to be over.  That her preemie and newborn clothes are packed away, and her 0-3 months will be soon as well.  I do not, however, miss feeding her every two hours in the middle of the night.  Let's be clear on that :).

I tear up when I think about how much she's developed.  That she now has a personality, smiling and talking all the time, especially with mom and dad.  That she gives me a great big smile every time she sees it's me getting her up in the morning or after naptimes.  That she's a happy little girl who loves to wiggle and move and not so much snuggle anymore.

Little Miss up on her arms during tummy time for the first time!

Today, Nora rolled over for the first time (from her tummy to her back)!!!!!!!!  It was such an incredible moment, to watch her do this amazing thing that her tiny little body just learned how to do.  That God designed her to grow in ways that will allow her to reach all these milestones.  It was also terrifying, to know that she is now moving.  Like, REALLY moving.  So not only does this mean that my infant is becoming a little girl (way hard on Mommy right now), but it also means that we're entering a new stage with her and are now parents who have to closely watch her!  

Motherhood is a whirlwind.  TRUTH.  There is SO MUCH JOY in watching your child grow that I can't even begin to express in words.  I think, too, alongside everything else, there is something more, as there always will be in the world of adoption.  I feared for so long that there would be moments that my child wouldn't feel 100% like my child, having not carried her for 9 months, not nursing her, knowing her in the incredibly intimate way most mothers will know their children.  And though there have been fleeting moments like that along the way...Nora is my daughter.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she knows me as Mommy and I love her more than I ever imagined.  Sometimes I wonder if loving a biological child is the same - and I suppose I may never know that.  But I love Nora and there is no disconnect between her and me.  It's just not there.

There's so much more I want to say about motherhood, but since I've gone on long enough already...stay tuned.  :)

Mommy and Nora

Thanksgiving

For the last couple weeks, I kept seeing people's 30 days of thanks status updates pop up on Facebook.  I decided (you know, in my infinitesimal wisdom) that it had become "trendy" and that I don't generally "do" trendy.  And then the ridiculousness of that thought occurred to me.  Really?  Who am I?  I kind of wanted to throw up a little bit just admitting that.  People are finding something everyday to be thankful for!  And what am I doing?  I am being high and mighty, and in the meantime, setting aside no time or energy to be thankful.  Ridiculous, yes?

I follow a blog here, and she has a post today about being appreciative, and I couldn't help but share these words written by the eloquent author:

As much I like to say I am striving to grasp what really matters, I need reminders. Reminders that take my breath away … reminders that drop me to my knees and shake me from my selfish, materialistic fog … reminders that send me running to my children’s bedrooms to cry silent tears while listening to their beat of their hearts.

Truth be told, I need reminders to see the gifts of my life in the mundane … to be thankful for the ordinary events of my day—that if I actually stop to think about them—are really quite miraculous.

I need reminders that motivate me to be in a perpetual state of gratitude, not just on Thanksgiving Day.

So, on this Thanksgiving Eve, here are a few things I am truly Thankful for, that I needed a harsh reminder to get me out of my own "fog" to meditate on:

• For Jesus.  This is not a cliche.  He is my SAVIOR.  My life would be so radically different - and not in a good way - if He hadn't called me to himself that incredible moment 11 years ago.
• For my husband.  God gave me an incredible gift in this man who is everything God knew I needed in this life.  
• For my sweet, sweet Nora.  My amazing daughter who teaches me everyday how to love in new ways, who teaches me to marvel at God's designs and creations as she changes in a million ways every minute of every day.  For the woman who made the choice to bring her into this world and bless our family with the biggest gift we've ever received.
• For a home, a job, and all the materialistic things that God has given me for today.  A friend recently told me (when I selfishly chattered on about how we paid for our adoption, and then immediately needed a new car, and then our dryer started making terrible noises) about how we live in a broken world.  So, why are we surprised when things break?  It doesn't matter, because we have all we need.
• For friends who are like family and know me deeply and intimately, and family who possesses my identity and history in ways no one else can.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Three Months

Okay, at some point I swear I'll get my act together and start writing something other than Nora's monthly updates (you know, like about this crazy thing called motherhood that is just simply more amazing that I ever thought it would be)...  But for now....

Our baby girl is THREE MONTHS OLD!!!

We also survived our first Halloween, fit with pumpkin carving and handing out candy!!

I mean, seriously.  Can you get enough of that face?!!!

Two Months Old!

Our beautiful daughter is Two Months Old!!!

Cutest baby ever!

Staying warm!!  On our very first camping trip with Nora - to the N. Rim of the Grand Canyon.  We went with our brave friends, Stephen & Jessica.  :)

Hiking a trail at the N. Rim.

The edge of our campsite.  Good thing she's not walking yet!  :)

Infertility, Continued...

I mentioned in a lot of my posts, as we were preparing to adopt, that the infertility struggle will be a part of our forever story.  And now I really know it's true.  I cannot be clear enough that God mightily answered our prayers by gifting us with Nora.  And I could not be more thrilled to be a mom!  (more on that later)  It's the very role I've been desiring for over three years, and He filled my arms and we are SO grateful.  That's really an understatement.  It's like saying I'm grateful for the Cross.  Um, duh.  And words just can't express that.

But...there is still infertility in our life.  There are real moments where we wonder if Nora will be an only child.  And that is SO not the plan we had.  There are real moments of hope that someday God might open my womb and bless us with a biological child.  There are real moments of fear when I acknowledge that may NEVER happen.  There are real moments where I wonder if I have the strength to adopt again.  Ben would do it in a heartbeat.  I think he inherited that mystical amnesia that mothers who go through labor get (I've heard, anyway) - where the pain of the adoption and the unknown of those terrifying two weeks has disappeared from his mind.  But I haven't forgotten - those moments are still very new and fresh in my mind and heart.  Others who have adopted and have really smooth stories, where doubt never really crept in, and papers were signed the moment they were able to be, have given me those encouraging stories.  But my heart isn't ready for it again...and I don't know if it ever will be.  Not to mention the financial aspect.  Who knows if God will bless us to be financially able to do it again?

There's also been recent occasion for God to reveal to me that there are infertility wounds that have not healed.  With the adoption process, my heart and mind was so focused on that road and each next step - and of course, with the arrival of Nora - infertility had really left me alone for a while.  And now, I'm a mother!!!  My prayers and dreams have come true in a really incredible story.  For real - and the number of people that prayed with us and for us through this journey have SEEN GOD'S GLORY.  Praise Jesus!

But - there are still wounds.  They're different now - it's not remotely the same pain as the height of infertility.  But a friend of mine recently gave me the metaphor of a scab.  It's a wound that has healed over (absolutely true in the midst of the adoption and with the arrival of Nora).  But - one slight pick at that scab, and the wound feels fresh again.  What an accurate description.  I realized that I haven't grieved through the aches I have to be able to pee on a stick and see a positive result.  To have that incredibly traditional moment when I get to tell my husband we're pregnant.  To have the experience of telling family and friends in a really fun & exciting way.  Yes, we got to announce we were expecting through adoption, and we got to announce that Nora's birthmom chose us.  But everything is SO different through adoption.  The uncertainty and waiting just isn't the same, and one-time big announcements just aren't possible.  Baby showers - not the same.  Birth certificate - not the same.  First moments after birth - not the same.  And there are moments where I feel guilty that these things still hurt.  Because God answered my prayers, right?  Nora is ours and I'm a mother.  So what's the problem?  Well, the problem is that I've still got a scab.  And that scab hasn't scarred over yet and maybe never will.

But (and here's the really great but) - I know that the same God who walked with me through the last three and a half years will keep walking with me.  And will speak quietly to me in those painful moments.  And will help my heart be at peace with whatever the rest of our journey, the rest of our family will look like.

So - that's the honest truth.  :)  And here's my beautiful daughter.  Because again - none of this changes the JOY and GRATITUDE we have for the way God has grown our family, and the chance to be Nora's parents.

Adoption, Continued

So...adoption.  :)

There is so much to say that it's hard to know where to start...which is probably why I've been procrastinating all this time!  Here's a few highlights:

• It's been strange that Nora looks enough like Ben & me that we've really managed to avoid a lot of the weird adoption comments that the books prepare us for.  For example:  "How much did she cost?  Where are her real parents?", etc.
• Showing up at church with a baby is weird.  Lots of odd looks - lots of "I didn't even know you were pregnant!" comments.
• I never thought I could be so in love with someone so tiny, so immediately.
• Oh yes, there's still paperwork and agency stuff to be done.  We've already had a couple visits with the agency workers and there's still more to come as we work toward our final day in court.
• Our relationship with Nora's birthmother and her parents has, so far, been great!  

So, what about the good stuff?  Well...for starters...it's amazing to know that we've walked the exact road that God wanted us to be on.  All the really hard stuff = totally worth it.  I know everyone says that along the journey, but it's incredible to actually experience truth in that.  However, I don't want to downplay the hard parts either.  The 17 days that we knew Nora, when she was in our home for 14 of those days before the papers were signed...we fell head over heels in love with her.  She was ours - we cared for her, we fed her, diapered her, we knew her deeply in the middle of the night, and snuggled her like crazy.  But yet - she wasn't ours.  Her birthmom really, really struggled with the reality of her decision and it took much longer than usual for her to sign the papers.  Ben & I wondered if every moment would be our last with Nora.  It was torture, even though in each of those moments we prayed for the strength to love her and her birthmom NO MATTER WHAT.  But in those tiny seconds when I allowed myself to consider the possible reality of relinquishing our daughter - I could not function.  I couldn't do it.  We prayed through so many Psalms every night as we went to bed and I cried out to Jesus to give me the faith to believe I would praise him no matter what.  But it was a period of time where I hardly ate, and I hardly smiled.  This is the dark side of adoption.  The loss and grief that will happen regardless of the situation - the birthfamily and adoptive family will have its own version no matter the details.  And yet it's all for the glory of God.  And the glory of the beautiful child, who everyone loves so very much and we all are trying to make the best decisions for.

Anyway...there's more...but I'll get to it later.  I want to close by ensuring I state that there is SO MUCH JOY in adoption.  There is so much joy in the Father answering our prayers and placing our daughter (OUR DAUGHTER!) in our arms.  I will never gloss over the difficulties in both the infertility and adoption journeys, but I will also never hide how gracious HE is and what it's like to feel our dreams come true in this perfect little girl.

Crafty-Ness

Okay, so I've been procrastinating writing the serious side of our adoption.  :)  In the meantime...here's some pictures of rare crafty inspired activity in my house!

Before picture of the nursery hamper.  It was an old one we had lying around but weren't using!

Re-done!  I spray painted it white and dyed the fabric liner brown.  Sorry for the different lighting!

With the help of my friend Jessica, I made Nora's name for the nursery!  I used thin canvas boards (painted them purple), wooden letters (painted white), and white ribbon.  I used dresser knobs to hang on the wall.

All done!

Joy Upon Joy Upon Sorrow Upon Joy

Well.......we have a new LOVE in our life!!!  Welcome Nora Gabriella Scott - born 7/31, gifted to us through adoption on 8/16.

Nora is just 5 days old here!  We're in her nursery and you can see how in love we are!

I have been struggling to write this post because adoption is so full of so many things.  First, I cannot imagine the world now any different than being Nora's mom.  It's incredible.  It's sleepless.  It's so full of love.  But the journey to get here has been full of God's grace, but so, well...difficult.  We knew in our heads that loss is always a part of adoption.  Both the birthfamily and the adoptive family experience loss in a myriad of ways.  But we never expected to be so immediately in love with a baby who was not yet ours to parent forever.  And I also never expected to empathize so much with the feelings of grief that we knew Nora's birthfamily was experiencing.  When we drove away from the hospital, I almost passed out I was experiencing SO MUCH EMOTION.

Nora came home with us on Friday, 8/3, but it wasn't until Thursday, 8/16 that we knew she'd be in our family forever.  Those two weeks were easily the hardest I've experienced in my life.  I knew God was calling me to love this perfect, precious, gorgeous girl NO MATTER WHAT.  Even if it was only for 2 weeks.  But every moment I remembered it could be my last with her was torture.  But we loved anyway, and boy did we LOVE!

She's now a month old and I can't believe it took me this long to write even this little bit of our story!!!  I promise I'll tell more of it soon, but for now, just look at this perfect little angel!

Nora is 4 weeks old here, and wearing her first dress!

Words Can't Express...

I came across this on another adoption blog, and frankly, I have no words.  It's just an incredible reminder that God will call us to situations for which we DO NOT KNOW the end result, and we are called to love all those involved, even if only for a moment, because God tells us to and because it's our privilege to do it.

Watch this video here, of the author describing why he wrote this song.  The full lyrics to this song are below.  The full music video is here.

All of Me

Matt Hammitt

Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

-"All of Me", Matt Hammitt

Our Nursery

So, one way we have been filling these waiting months was getting the nursery ready!  Everything is neutral, and I (as always) had lots of trouble making decisions so each step really took a while!  We painted about two months ago, because we knew that would be the one thing that would get immensely harder if we brought a little one home unexpectedly.  Then we put the office furniture back in.  :)

A couple weeks later, we decided to go for it and started all the other steps.  We put together the furniture we had bought from Craigslist a while ago.  We put on the bedding that Ben's mom lovingly had us pick out and purchased for us.  We bought the white curtains and Ben designed how they should be put up.  We got the chair we bought from Craigslist from our family in the nearby big city who were storing it since they picked it up.  My mother in law and I worked together on picking out the material for the chair cover and curtains...and I made the curtains!!  My first sewing feat as an adult, and I have to say, I'm quite proud! :)  This past weekend, the tree branch decals we bought finally came in the mail and Ben & I spent a good 3 hours putting them up (that was way harder than I expected).  So, now, here's the finished product!!!

The room to the left as you walk in.

The room looking in from the chair corner

We love having it all put together, and now it feels like such a real place when we pray in here for our birthmom and baby to come...  And now...we WAIT some more.  :)

Agony? Or am I overreacting?

Alright - so, we're still waiting.  I would love to say that I've managed to recently connect to Jesus in a deeper way in this, to cling to His plan and know in my deepest parts that it's the best possible plan.  Unfortunately, my eyes keep wandering and really, I've just been in agony.  I worry, I plot, I prepare some more, and I hang onto the sliver of hope for dear life.  Each day gets so much harder.  Each waiting family with our agency we see get matched and be blessed with the little one meant for them is like a tiny stab to my heart.  I am continuing to see milestones pass that I once looked ahead to and thought, "Of course we'll have our little one by then!".  And my heart aches.  And aches and aches and aches.

But, this morning, I was listening to a CD put together by my best friend, who has faithfully led a small group of women in a wonderful Bible study over the last year plus.  We had a worship night quite some time ago, and she gave us each a CD of the songs we listened to and worshiped with that night.  On it is a song that this gal's husband vulnerably shared with Ben & I just a few months ago.  It was hard for me to hear it then as a reminder of the possibility of where my heart could actually be in faith, and it's still hard now.  But it's an incredible reminder that our trust in Him CANNOT be circumstantial.  Our trust and rejoicing has to be based in what He did for us. 

Please, Jesus, help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me live these words (the entire song is below):

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Listen here

The Desert Song

Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Tax Credit Petition

Please sign this adoption tax credit petition here!!! 

There's also INCREDIBLE materials to become an advocate for the adoption tax credit to be extended here.  The website includes templates for contacting your US Senators and Representatives, like letter samples, phone call scripts, etc.  Please get involved in such an important cause!!!

Waiting

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14

So...we're still waiting.  :)  It's been almost 3 months exactly, and so far hasn't felt terribly long (praise the Lord!).  

We did have a chance to talk with our case worker this week to ask some questions about where we stand.  We were told that we have been shown (via our matchletter) to several prospective birthmothers/families, but not yet chosen.  We asked about where we stand on the "openness" scale of waiting families with our agency, based on the choices we made months ago about  the things we're open to - and she said we're pretty average.  We also noted how many families are currently waiting - there are 39 matchletters on the agency's website right now (9 of whom have an "on hold" status, meaning they've been tentatively matched or have stepped out of the process temporarily).  That is a LOT of families.  So we asked her about that, and she did say it's a very high number for them - but, they are also experiencing a much higher than average level of birthfamily traffic.  Which makes sense - in the 3 months we've been waiting, we've seen countless families already go on hold and then disappear from the website.

All that to say, we still have no news, but are fervently praying it happens soon - before impatience can sink in.  :)  It's also hard because the longer the wait gets, the easier it is to question our "openness" choices, or our matchletter itself.  That's not a bad thing - it's good our minds are brought back to it so we can go before the Lord and open our hearts to anything He has to say about them.  But, it is very very hard.

A very dear friend shared the Psalm below with me late the other night...and it certainly spoke to our need to trust in Jesus with whole hearts, to trust in His salvation first and foremost, and always.

But I pray to you, Lord,

in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God,

answer me with your sure salvation.

Psalm 69:13

Anniversary Thoughts

To my husband - the man who's been by my side for over seven years, and each day chosen to love me over five years of marriage - I love you!  You are often my strength, my home, my constant picture of love and patience.  I have no idea what life would be like without you, and I'm so glad.  To the next five, and the five after that, and after that, until the last moment that God lets us be together!  I love you. Happy five year anniversary!

FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, vacation.  I am so excited for this trip!!!  We are going to spend some serious quality time together as we Amtrak our way to LA, go to Magic Mountain, drive through so much of California as we get to experience Sequoia National Park (and the oldest, biggest tress ever), time with Jen Tiffan in her new stomping grounds in Davis, have fun in Wine Country, and San Francisco.  Thank you Jesus for vacation time!!!  And thank you for my marriage. 

Twitch

I've been thinking for some time about the fact that I should create a new blog post.  But every time I think about it, I keep coming up blank because there aren't any updates on the adoption front and I suppose I feel like the entirety of my blog experience has been all about infertility and adoption.

But, yesterday, my left eye started twitching.  And I started thinking about all the times in recent years when I got weird, random twitches.  Sometimes an eye, sometimes my fingers, sometimes a quad.  And then I thought about a very dear friend of mine who managed to have an eye twitch for weeks because of stress at work.  And every time this friend gets the smallest of twitches - we always joke about work stress.  Here's what Wikipedia says about physiological twitches:

·         Muscle contraction and relaxation

o    Convulsion, rapid and repeated muscle contraction and relaxation, resulting in uncontrolled shaking

o    Fasciculation, a small, local, involuntary muscle contraction

o    Myoclonic twitch, a jerk usually caused by sudden muscle contractions

o    Myokymia, a continuous, involuntary muscle twitch that affects the muscles of the face, particularly the eyelids

o    Spasm, a sudden, involuntary contraction of a muscle, group of muscles, hollow organ, or orifice

o    Tic, an involuntary, repetitive, nonrhythmic movement or vocalization of sudden onset and involving discrete muscle groups

o    Tremor, an involuntary, repetitive, somewhat rhythmic, muscle contraction and relaxation

Anyway.  That's what my brain decided to talk about today.  Nothing of real substance.  Nothing that really has anything to do with anything.  :) 

What Now?!!

So - the most frequent question I get asked these days is "so, any updates"??  I think there will come a day when I dread this question, but praise Jesus so far - it doesn't bother me!

We are in the "waiting" stage!  What this means is that we are suspended in a bizarre time of having NO IDEA what's to come.  :)  Here's a couple scenarios we have to attempt to be ready for:

1. We get a phone call telling us that birthmom/birthparents have chosen us!  She is 6-9 months along and would like to have a match meeting.  Everything goes amazingly and we walk together through the rest of the pregnancy.  Birthmom gives birth, the requisite time passes, paperwork is signed, and we bring baby home and start living a new life as parents and continuing getting to know Birthmom.
2. Same scenario as above, but at birth Birthmom has a change of heart and chooses to parent and we trust that God has amazing plans with each step we take.
3. We get a phone call telling us that a Birthmom has given birth, and there's a baby at such 'n such hospital, and come on down!!!!
4. About 800 other things we couldn't possibly plan for!!!

In the meantime, we walk a really fine line between getting prepared like the phone call is coming tomorrow, and knowing that this could take several months.  So far, we've looked at paint colors for the nursery, and bought a couple of really cute clothing items.  We have looked at the parenting classes at the local hospital to see which one(s) we should take.  And we have had lots of amazingly thoughtful, incredible offers for showers - to each of which we've replied, "we're not sure when we should do that!".  

We have, however, received a couple of really thoughtful things, which has been wonderful!!!  We got congratulations cards from a couple of wonderful friends.  A work acquaintance gave us a copy of her kids and grandkids' favorite book.  But the most exciting one, you ask?  Ben's Aunt Peggy (of Aunt Peggy & Uncle Walter from Prince Edward Island - LOVE these people) is a monster knitter.  She has made all of us beautiful afghans for our weddings, and since has made lots of gorgeous baby blankets.  As you can imagine, I've dreamed of receiving one of these for a LONG time.  Well...my dream just came true!  They're here visiting for a short time, and she presented us with this AMAZING gift - and believe me when I say I started crying the instant I saw her holding a gift bag!!!

REJOICE

May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you TRUST in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.

-Romans 15:13 - capitals added for emphasis

WE ARE APPROVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We can hardly believe it's finally time to be able to go public with the most amazing announcement of our life together so far.  We found out on February 23rd that the agency had given us the green light!!!  Our case worker told us that all the extra effort we had made was very appreciated and that they were happy to tell us were are in the matchbooks!  It felt SO surreal, especially after the last couple months of utter discouragement.  But, the more people we've told, the more real it definitely becomes.  We could NOT be more excited!

So - what happens now?  We wait!!!  We could get a phone call that presents any number of situations, and it could theoretically come anytime!  The agency's average wait time is about 3 months-1 year, so we'll most likely be waiting for a bit - but only God knows!  Thanks for being alongside us in this journey, and your continued prayers are appreciated!  Please pray for peace, joy, and hope in the wait.  Please also pray for our birthparents and our child!!!

Avoidance

Well, I think I've been avoiding a few things.

I've been avoiding writing any news because I wanted to write with good news.  And it just hasn't come.

I've been avoiding writing because it's February.  This month marks 3 years since Ben & I chose to start a journey of growing our family.  A journey we NEVER could have predicted would look like this 3 years later.  While the ups & downs of the infertility journey have somewhat subsided - each month still hurts a little.  Pregnancy announcements still hurt.  Growing bellies are joy for their owners - yet for me, painful reminders at the failings of my own body.  And knowing it's been 3 years is simply surreal.  Infertility and adoption are not separate.  Infertility and parenthood will not be separate.  There are no cures, no answers, no easy fixes for it.  It is a journey we may walk every day for the rest of our lives. While I'm not in the same place in the infertility journey I was a year ago (PRAISE JESUS, He's already worked on healing so much with this, helping me to grieve so much), the reality is that it's still a journey we continue to be on.

But above all else - I've been avoiding the humble reality of facing truth in lack of trust.  The day in December I last posted, my world felt like it fell apart.  About a month later, our agency asked us to complete additional steps - hard steps - in order to reconsider their decision of not approving us in December, and the world crumbled a little more.  Both of those moments should have been the first moment my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and arms reached out to Jesus and allowed trust and peace to flood my entire being.  Instead, I panicked.  I hurt.  I cried.  I worried.  I attempted to exert any control I thought I could.  And the two months since that day have been...well...indescribable.

Proverbs 13:12 - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  This whole journey has felt like hope deferred.  But two months ago, fleshly hope was tangible.  This is why I feel like my heart hurts so much in this journey, when that wonderful outcome of approval slipped away.

However, Rom 5:3-5 - "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured our into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."  This is what I WANT to feel in my heart, and humbly ask you to help me ask Jesus for this to become my everyday reality.  To move from feeling like adoption "will be" an amazing road once there's resolution, and instead feel like adoption "IS" an amazing road, if not for any other reason than this is where God has us.  To hope now because Christ died on the cross and nothing else changes that.  And to hope forward, to the wonderful, handmade, blessing of a child that God will place into our family.

All this to say - there's no news yet.  And my heart is in a state of flux, sometimes human and worrying and hurting, sometimes having brief glimpses of hope, faith, and trust.