Life As I Know It

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:21

Twists and turns.  I think that's a good title for this chapter in my life.

A little over a week ago, I found myself the recipient of an INCREDIBLE blessing.  I came home to find a box addressed to me.  Upon opening it, I found a card that instructed me to read it first.  The author shared with me that I am so loved by my friends and family that this package of 21 gifts, dubbed "The 21 Days of Christmas" was given to me as a reminder of that love.  The author also told me that I was being steadfastly prayed for during this season of my life.  I have received a great variety of wonderful things that have brought Christmas alive in the traditional sense (a Christmas mix CD, ornaments, a cookie cutter, Christmas tea), and in the true reason for the holiday sense, with a scripture attached to each and every gift.  The verse above was from today, day 13, and fully spoke into my soul.

Construction on our new home is coming along, and we think it's likely we will move in the first week of the new year.  My first semester of college teaching is coming to a close, and it's bittersweet.  I have enjoyed getting to know my in-person students particularly and have learned quite a bit about the expectations I place on others, based on my own personality.  However, I will be happy to soon return to a life where I get to leave my work at work.  Having to plan lectures and grade has made it feel like I have homework all over again, which is something I won't miss for quite some time.  

Which brings me to twist #2...I got the full time position I was hoping for.  It's a promotion, to say the least, and I will be responsible for supervising quite possibly around 10 people.  Once again, it's very bittersweet.  I never expected to have to return to full time work.  I assumed that by the time I graduated with my Master's (over 6 months ago), that a beautiful child would be on the way or already added to our small family.  I feel incredibly blessed for such an incredible job opportunity, but it feels like it comes with a very heavy price that weighs on my heart. 

My 28th birthday has also now come and gone.  This was my second birthday since we started trying to have a family.  And it's been a rough realization.  I think I've taken for granted that I have a couple of very close friends right around my age that don't yet have kids.  I think in the twists and turns of life, it's dangerous to hold tight to such things.  Yes, it's good to be in the present but it's also good to know that life can change very quickly.  I have found myself feeling lonely lately...for no particular reason really.  But as I realize I am primarily surrounded by those whose lives are very different from my own (whether girlfriends that are single, or couples we know who are parents), it's difficult to think about the days when these fellow DINKS (dual income no kids, as a close friend refers to them) could surpass us in family size.  I know that I will be challenged in ways beyond compare to what I've faced so far, and my heart will face darker days if these particular desires continue to go unfulfilled.  It's hard to remember that the Lord's plans may continue to be very different from my own, and that I need to strive to find solace and comfort in Him alone.  That no matter what happens, there is someone who is so much bigger than myself, my life, or even my desires in charge of what is going on in my life and the lives of those around me.  

I feel, sometimes, that my life is a constant battle between my selfishness (which I often find myself drowning in), and living my life in praise of the One who gave his for me.  And most days, I lose that battle.

Time Flies

Wow - can't believe it's been so long since I tossed my thoughts into cyber space.  The house is....coming!  We still have lots of work to do, and we *might* be in it by the end of the year.  This has thrown me for a loop - as you read in my previous post, I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to the holiday season.  It kills my heart that I can't decorate full out - celebrate in my usual manner (being the creature of habit I am). Alas, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I have been finding it necessary to force myself into a grateful heart.  This shouldn't be hard.  Our life is so full of blessings, I'm sure it would take me forever to count them all.  And yet, I drown in worry, stress, and about 80 million other negative emotions and states of mind.

Also, I am finding the holidays particularly difficult this year.  A dear friend just had her little girl today, and it seems as though there is pregnancy all around me.  My mother in law (who's amazing, by the way - there's a huge blessing right there) threw together an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner the day after Veteran's Day because all the siblings happened to be here.  It was, of course, an incredible meal.  But it was hard.  Harder than I imagined.  I found myself watching my beautiful toddler nieces and handsome nephew, so full of life and loving to be together.  Yes, there was the usual tantrums and difficulties.  But it didn't matter.  Watching those little cousins grow, and grow together, just became too much and I found myself vehemently crying in the bathroom, trying to stay quiet and not make a scene.  We so desperately want to be a part of that world.  And the Lord says no.  And we don't know why.  And it hurts.  And hurts and hurts.

We are still not pursuing medical treatment at this time.  Life has just been overwhelming.  I am back to temperature taking and such, so it seems life as normal.  The daily reminders are back (time off from this process is sometimes so forgiving), and Christmas will be here soon.

Lord, please heal my heart.  Place a holy trust in my soul, Lord, to know you and to trust you.  Bless the mothers I know.  Bless their overwhelmed minds and bodies.  Bless the little ones you are still forming into little bundles of perfection.  Help me to remember my own blessings, the multitudes that there are, and get on my knees and stop questioning my Creator.

News

Well, it's official - we now own a big old house!  We finally got the keys in hand yesterday (though we technically closed on Thursday - I felt that I had to wait until it was totally good!).  Ben already started on construction today.  I most definitely need to get some "before" pictures since we intend to rip up and replace ALL the flooring, paint ALL the walls, completely remodel the kitchen, change sliding glass doors for french doors (living room) and windows (master bedroom).  And...if we have any money left...remodel the master bath.  It's quite a thing to take on (well, for Ben and his dad and brothers...not really sure what I'll contribute!).

I started teaching my second course (a 7 week, online course) on the 1st.  So things have certainly picked up!  Life feels very busy, which is hard since I'm coming up on my FAVORITE time of year.  Let me take a moment to describe just how much I love the holidays.  I LOVE THEM!  First of all, it's Jesus' time.  Period.  Second, I started listening to Christmas music about 2 weeks ago (I know, not even November...).  I have several boxes of Christmas decorations that I always insist on having up as quickly after Thanksgiving as humanly possible.  I went to Disneyland in December last year and was in heaven.  I'm sure my friend Jessica can tell you how many times I shrieked with joy at the ginormous Christmas tree (these toilets are GINORMOUS! - Elf - another reason to love the season).  Anyway, that is a very small tangent about how much I love this time of year.

On the infertility front, we had an appointment last week with an OBGYN here in our small town (he was recommended by several folks).  His specialty is actually surgery, but we chose him anyway.  It went well, he was willing to chat with us for quite a while.  We determined that the sonographers in his office can perform the ultrasounds needed for any IUI cycle.  They're not cheap (what about infertility is?) but he did agree to waive his office visit fee to interpret them before being sent on to whatever specialist we choose to work with in our Big City.  His philosophies are actually quite different than my previous RE.  For example, he doesn't think I need Clomid (because I ovulate on my own), nor does he really support me taking it.  But he's willing to prescribe it if that's what we choose.

While that meeting was beneficial, we haven't really had a chance to sit down and really consider our options at this point (which would most likely be continuing with Clomid or Injectable Meds and IUI - ultrasounds here and procedure in Big City).  Life has been a bit overwhelming lately...  Anyway, I'll give updates as we have them but as of now, we aren't pursuing anything.  LIFE!

My Plea

I've always loved this song, and we sang it this past Sunday.  I found myself crying out, pleading with the Lord for him to bring me to a place where I can sing these words with all of my heart and really mean it.

Blessed be Your Name (excerpt)

Matt Redman

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering
Blessed be Your name
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

I want to be able to stand up, lift my hands, and say Lord - you are good.  No matter what, you are good.  And I choose to bless your name in the midst of suffering, of pain, and confused trust.  I choose to praise you not only when things are good, but when things are rough and the waters are cloudy.  I love you, Lord.  Bring me closer to you, close enough to be able to sing this verse and mean it!

Oh...Job...

Stick with me - these verses are a bit long!

So Ben and I been doing a 60-day overview of the Bible for our devtionals.  Two days ago, we read in Job and I was just so convicted.   

Job, who suffered and suffered, and suffered, is able to say this at the epilogue of the book (Chapter 42):



Job Responds to the Lord

 ¹ Then Job replied to the Lord:

 ² “I know that you can do anything,
      and no one can stop you.
 ³ You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’
      It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about,
      things far too wonderful for me.
 ⁴ You said, ‘Listen and I will speak!
      I have some questions for you,
      and you must answer them.’
 ⁵ I had only heard about you before,
      but now I have seen you with my own eyes.
 ⁶ I take back everything I said,
      and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.” 



And then, the next day, we read in Psalm 51.  Talk about conviction.

Psalm 51

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
       according to your unfailing love;
       according to your great compassion
       blot out my transgressions.

 ² Wash away all my iniquity
       and cleanse me from my sin.

 ³ For I know my transgressions,
       and my sin is always before me.

 ⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
       and done what is evil in your sight,
       so that you are proved right when you speak
       and justified when you judge.

 ^... 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ^[a] ;
       you teach ^[b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

 ⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
       wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

 ⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
       let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

 ⁹ Hide your face from my sins
       and blot out all my iniquity.

 ¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
       and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

 ¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
       or take your Holy Spirit from me.

 ¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
       and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

... ¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
       and my mouth will declare your praise.

And finally, I was reminded of Lamentations 3:22-24:

 ²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
      His mercies never cease.
 ²³ Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
 ²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”



So, there is my recent journey through Scripture that has reminded me that others have suffered in much greater ways than I, and the Lord was faithful through it all (Job was made twice as prosperous after his long period of hardship).  I was reminded to confess my sins, my dark heart before the pure and Holy and just God.  And finally, I was reminded that this same God is merciful and gracious, and he blesses me anew every morning.  I hope this may bring hope and encouragement to others.

Disappointment.

Sadness. Unbelievable pain. Fear. Utter heartbreak. Frustration. These are the feelings of another failed cycle. Ben and I will be continuing on this horrific journey. I think it's mostly hard to put into words what this really feels like. Yes, I can list off the words above, and though they are all so true and applicable, they just don't quite express my heart right now. I'm not sure if this is something one can understand without having been through it themselves. And while I don't wish this pain on anyone for any reason, I do feel like it might sometimes be nice to have someone near me (physically) who can understand or to relate.

I have been wanting to share a couple of resources I found at a wonderful Christian based infertility support forum. These are things that I thought might be useful to our loved ones who want to offer support. The first is simply a list of suggestions on how to help: http://sail.heritage-umc.org/html/helping_a_loved__one_with_infe.html.

This one is a poignant video. While we may not identify with everything, I felt that this video helps to reflect what our journey, our life is like while dealing with infertility: http://www.tearsandhope.com/.

I don't mean to be pushy with these things. It's just very difficult to express my heart about this journey. We don't often bring it up, because we know it's hard for others to understand and handle. We know that it's a depressing subject (believe me, we know). We never want to impose on others' good news with our difficulties, and I really feel that we actually do a great job of this. I think sometimes I'm scared that others ignore what we are going through because it's an uncomfortable situation, and events in others' lives do affect us in ways most can't imagine. But that doesn't mean we don't want to know, or that we can't celebrate with others. In fact, it's usually more painful to have others pretend like nothing is happening. Because it's natural to want to feel supported. But I think these resources explain most of this better than I can.

We are taking some time "off" so to speak so that we have time to investigate what doctors and resources we have here in town, and which places in the big city might be a good match for our needs. We do pray that something will work out, especially financially. We always covet and appreciate your prayers. Please let me know if you have any questions at all.

With Love,

Jenny

Song of the Moment

I love JJ Heller. I've seen her in concert twice, and watching the interaction between her and her husband is just so wonderful. To top it off, her songs so often speak directly to my heart and soul. Here is my song of the moment, a song that makes me want to scream these lyrics at the top of my lungs:

When You Come Back

I don't know how to follow you without losing my way

Jesus come and take me by the hand

I don't know how to trust that you will do the things you say

Spirit teach me how to understand

That your love can heal the wreckage of my soul

The beauty of your light shining in me

I don't know when you'll take me home to paradise with you

The day when I will finally be free

Oh the day when you come back for me

Zion National Park

Okay - here's my attempt at posting pictures! Hopefully I'll have a career update early next week...

This was on our first hike, which was short because we arrived late and got set up. This was a loop which went to three "emerald pools," which weren't really pools at all. But they were pretty! The picture below is the first "pool" which, as you can see, is a waterfall.

This was our second day, and this is the Angel's Landing hike. It was STEEP! We made it about 5 miles round trip!

Later our second day, we did a short hike called the Riverside Walk, which takes us to the trailhead for The Narrows, which is a 9-mile roundtrip day hike that we hope to go back and do someday.

It was a fun trip. We survived the 90+ degree heat and had some good adventures! For as close as we are, we definitely need to go back! There's so much to explore, three hikes didn't really do it justice.

Life...Where does it go?!

So. Life sneaks up and so much happens so fast.

We have officially finalized a contract on what should become our first home with a foundation (I say that because our current home is so awesome, and I love it so much - it's just technically not a house, it's a single wide trailer)! It's been a wild ride, a very terrifying and unsettling ride! That is really what took our attention this last week, and we wrote the earnest money check just yesterday. It needs some construction work (good thing I've got a great husband and in-law family for that!), and it really is much too big for us right now (it's got four bedrooms for pete's sake). But it may soon become ours and hopefully will become a happy haven for the two of us for the time being.

I have officially completed my first round of grading as a college professor. Talk about intimidating and stressful. I just handed the first packets back yesterday, so I'm not out of the woods yet as far as the feedback, or backlash, goes. It's very bizarre to have so much authority.

And then there's the waiting... This part is called the two week wait (tww). I've learned so many acronyms, by the way, by being in the infertility world. I usually make myself wait at least several days after I know I've ovulated to look at the looming "test date" suggestion. It's always difficult to wait. For anything in life, really. We live in a society that hates waiting. Look at fast food, self-checkout shopping lines, and our inherent frustration with red stop lights. So when it comes to something THIS important, the waiting is horrible. But that is where we are at. The Lord asked so many of his followers to wait in his Word. Sometimes waiting meant 40 days, sometimes 40 years, and sometimes (eek!) thousands of years. So when I think about two weeks...I really should feel as bad as I usually do...

We took three days two weeks ago and went to Zion National Park for a weekend of camping and hiking and it was great!!! I hope to post some pictures soon (that will be a first in blogworld!). And I also hope to soon have some closure to what turned out to be a really great career conversation those couple weeks back (when I mentioned my big meeting coming up).

Update

Well, we went through with the IUI without checking with another ultrasound. The doc basically said we just cross our fingers that my lining was able to thicken up (btw - it wasn't the follicles that measured 5.6mm, as some of my online infertility friends pointed out to me. that was the measurement of the lining. he didn't give me my measurements for the follicles).

Ben's little guys had great motility (he got to see them under the microscope), and all went well with the procedure itself.

However.

Doc told us, as he was writing my progesterone script, that he is closing his practice. October 12th. This was, unbeknownst to us, our only shot. There is nobody else in town that does IUIs (I don't even know if there's anyone else who does the ultrasounds for that matter), so our nearest place is two hours away. And you can bet nobody in that big city is going to have any mutual friends that would inspire the same incredible financial breaks we were just given. One time.

I know that the smart thing to do would be to sit back, and hope. Hope that this was the only IUI we would ever need. Hope that the Lord is chuckling right now as I freak out about the consequences to come if we have to continue this journey.

But I just can't help my human emotions right now. I'm so frustrated. I'm angry. I'm so tired of so many unanswered questions. And my heart hurts. Not just because we've been on this journey as long as we have so far, but also because more often than not, I feel like I've lost hope. That our journey is far from over and I can't begin to imagine what it will look like going forward. How expensive and inconvenient it will be. Well, how impossible really. Thankfully, Ben is great with hope. And faith. I'm so glad he can be strong about it because I honestly can't be.

Lord, be with us. Comfort us. Please, Lord, let this be the cycle, the day, the very sperm and egg that will become a miracle child that we will shout with joy for. Above all, Lord, please restore my hope. My trust. Help me choose to praise you no matter what.

Just Kidding...

So, I got a positive OPK this morning which changes everything. We are now scheduled to have our first IUI done at 7:30 tonight. I am crossing my fingers he will see mature enough follicles to move forward!!!

Not quite ready...

So, follow up ultrasound was this morning. Dr. L found four good follicles (not bad)...but... They are measuring 5.6 mm and he requires they be a minimum of 6. And, unfortunately, my lining is pretty thin. I have a short luteal phase (LP), so I normally don't ovulate until around (on average) cycle day 15 (today is 12). So, he scheduled me a follow up ultrasound for Friday at 8:00AM if I haven't gotten a positive OPK (ovulation predictor kit) before then.

The ultra cool God thing through all these procedures is that we are friends with one of Dr. L's very good friends through church, and Ben works at the hospital where Dr. L practices. Insurance covers NOTHING infertility related for us. However, Dr. L, because of our friendship and Ben's employment at the hospital, he is VERY generously is waiving the costs of the ultrasounds and is only charging us for the actual IUIs, at a discounted price no less. The only other thing we are paying for is all the medications. Also, Ben was able to go to both ultrasounds with me so far. It most definitely feels like the Lord is helping pave the way for us to go through this part of the process.

Anyhow, that was meant to be a short update. Alas.

IUI

For my non-fertility savvy friends, that stands for Intra Uterine Insemination, or, IUI. We are now going through our first cycle where we are using physician assistance. While this is our second cycle of me using a drug called Clomid, this is the first time we will follow the reproductive endocrinologist’s suggestion of also doing IUI (taking Clomid without doing an IUI was against his professional advice). This cycle, I have already had one ultrasound (a baseline on cycle day 3 to ensure I have no cysts), I will have another one this coming Wednesday (CD 12), and he will determine based on what he sees if he will also prescribe a “trigger shot,” which is a medication that essentially forces the follicle to release the egg it is growing. Then, as soon as I know I am about to ovulate (either by trigger or by ovulation predictor tests done at home), off to the office we go.

Wow. Writing all that out makes it all seem so clinical. And, in all reality, it is. I think this is one of the biggest struggles of this stage of our journey, especially for Ben. Who imagines that they will conceive a child by “alternative” means? I mean, seriously. This child, if this is how God chooses to bless us, will be 100% me and Ben. But we won’t have any crazy conception story about one too many drinks, or a romantic weekend away, a forgotten birth control pill or anything like that. I know we are at this stage, but I’m not even sure I’ve fully accepted where we’re at.

The Emotions

I think sometimes what is the hardest to understand, adjust to, and live with are the emotions. Mine are so strong at times, sometimes due to hormones, sometimes due to my own personality, that I just feel like they are taking over. Rational thought is gone and I become a puddle of tears, snot, and confusion. My heart breaks, it seems, over and over again as we begin new procedures or have another cycle start. When normal, everyday life is piled on top of this journey, sometimes it seems unmanageable. Right now, I have major career concerns going on, while we are also right in the beginning stages of possibly making our first ever offer on a house. Stress, much?

My whole career is up in the air because the institution I work for doesn't want to allow me to hold two part-time positions at one time (one advising, one teaching). If this is the case, come January, I have no idea what I will be doing. Options include doing one or the other part-time (which is not enough work, and would be a very difficult decision), or crossing my fingers that a full-time position would open at just the right time that I could apply for. Then, if I took a full-time position advising, would I still choose to teach a course and have less time available for life than I've experienced in a long time.

And of course, it's all related. All the time I mull over my career options, the thoughts of a family swarm my mind. And I begin to think...if only... If only we had been successful this cycle, everything would make sense. I wouldn't need a full-time position because I'd go right back to part-time after having a child anyway. If only he would tell me if/when He will bless my belly with a new life, the career choices would be so much clearer. But that's not how God works. His plans are not my plans and I don't get to pick and choose "ideal".

I have a meeting on Thursday to figure out once and for all if I can hold these same two positions for one more semester. My insides are all aflutter with anxious thoughts and I wonder if the Lord can possibly quiet this heart.

Brand New...

Hey! I'm Jenny. I am a brand new blogger. I've never attempted this before because I've never felt like I would have interesting things to say, at least, interesting enough for others to want to read! Sure, I got great grades in English, and I feel like I'm a competent writer. But interesting? I guess we'll find out.

However, my husband Ben and I are currently on a journey in our life that has brought me to my knees, tested my faith, strengthened (and tested) our marriage, and one which I often have trouble processing. I suppose I begin to wonder if writing it all down will help. I also wonder if knowing that there are others out there who support us through this journey by reading, posting, or whatever that support means, will aid in the process.

You see, it's tricky navigating this journey, and it's difficult to ask for support. We don't usually like to bring it up, because, let's be honest, it's a downer. But, it's really so much harder to pretend like nothing is happening at all. This journey breaks my heart, and I've experienced pain, longing, and questioning like I've never felt in my life until now. Not only that, the Enemy is hard at work to tear down our faith in a time of uncertainty and unanswered questions. It's very hard to articulate these things to others. And it's also very, very hard to admit that it IS this difficult, and to ask for support.

Right now, we are an awesome team of two. But...we have been trying for over 18 months now to become a family of three. The (what feels like) horrific word and label has now been applied - infertility. I cry even as I admit in in writing. We've been tested. We've read books. We've seen a specialist. We've had our intimate life intruded upon, things that are supposed to be private are now public. I commit time everyday to this journey with temperature taking, and many other things that are a constant reminder of where we are at.

But the Lord is GOOD. He has placed some great resources in my life thanks to the ever expanding Internet that encourage and inspire me. I am reminded that there are other believers out there in the same time of life, the same struggles. He is always good. Even if I feel life is unfair, that we've been dealt a deck of cards that just don't add up right now, He is still good. It is a ginormous struggle to really believe that each and every day. Every moment of life.

I won't share too much else now, as this post may be too long for blogger etiquette (I really don't know about all that yet...). I will share one thing below, brought to me by a Girlfriends in God email devotional that I feel is a pretty accurate summary of me right now. But if you're reading, please pray for Ben & me. For these deep, deep longings, and for the everyday (yes, every single day) struggle this journey has brought. And stay tuned, as I'll be back to keep up this new adventure. Thanks for being here with me.

Based on the Scripture: Psalm 59:16 (NIV) "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble."

"Are you facing a circumstance that is much too big for you to handle? The deafening waves of doubt may be crashing around you, drowning out the promises of God. The unknown stretches before you and all you can see are the mistakes you have made and the opportunities you have missed. Fear has brought you to your knees and you are more desperate than you have ever been in your life. The questions far outnumber the answers. You cry alone in a darkness that is unlike any you have ever faced. You long to be understood and crave a love that accepts you just as you are in the midst of your fear and doubt.

I have great news for you, girlfriend! God sees you. He has not been caught off guard by the circumstances you face and where you are is no surprise to Him. In fact, God will take what the enemy means for evil and use it as the perfect setting for a miracle. You don't have to understand God to trust Him. Restoration and peace are His specialty. He will be your refuge and your strength. Right now, quietly turn to Him. He is waiting."