Another cycle. Another failed attempt. Another heartbreak. Another start at square one.
Hope seems to be a weird catch 22 in the infertility journey. We need hope in the Lord to keep going. But when we allow ourselves to hope that this cycle will work, it makes the fall that much harder. It's been a while since we had enough focus to hope. And this cycle, we did. We hoped. I was on Clomid and progesterone - it was the first time in a long while I was medicated. I allowed myself to read into little signs. We both hoped. And we both crashed. I think a lot of circumstances played into it - but yesterday was by far the hardest infertility struggle day I've had in a long, long time. The tears just wouldn't stop, even amidst a full workday. My face was swollen by the time I finally laid my head down. It just hurts so much. Indescribable pain.
I've been reading Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. It's been a relief but has also brought a lot of feelings to the surface. I wanted to share some excerpts here. Some were good reminders, some were honest convictions in my heart.
"I felt that we had earned the right of parenthood. Didn't God owe us something here? Surprisingly, the answer was, and is, no. God does not owe me anything: not a baby, not even an explanation of His choices." (pg. 37)
"God knows this grief personally. He has gone to greater measures to make you His child than you will ever go in the pursuit of growing your own family." (pg. 47)
"In the struggle to 'have a family,' it can be so easy to forget that as husband and wife we already are a family." (pg. 86)
There is more I want to share - particularly, a really unique way that some of the info in this book coincided with my pastor's message this past Sunday. I'll get there soon.
In other news, we hosted a house warming party this past weekend and we were so blessed by a home FILLED with friends and family. So many people came to join us in celebrating this huge blessing in our life and it was an incredible showing of God's love for us.
3/23/11
3/9/11
Inadequate
According to TheFreeDictionary.com, the definition of inadequate is:
inadequate [ɪnˈædɪkwɪt]
This particularly defines how I feel today, and something I struggle with a lot in my life. Today, I was ready to give up. Today, I wanted to be mediocre and not care. Today, I wished that I was fine with less than perfect. Today, I wanted to hide from all my job responsibilities and pretend I don't feel incompetent
Infertility makes me feel inadequate too. The voices in this world, and often in my own head, tell me that I'm not whole because I can't procreate. That I'm incomplete, inadequate. That I'm lacking. And really, my own desires tell me these things more than anything else. My heart aches because this longing is so deep within - longing to be a mother, to see Ben be the most amazing dad. The longing to raise children in a house that loves Jesus.
But, the eloquent words of Sanctus Real (you can listen here) remind me that
And God reminds me through his own Holy Word that I have nothing to fear in this life in Isaiah 51:
Jesus - help me overcome my unbelief. Help me to overcome these feelings of inadequacy. Remind me that I mean enough to you that you know the number of hairs on my head and you see every tear that falls. You know the deepest desires, you have given me the talents I have. You have placed me in this job and your plan is what rules my life. Help me to remember that you are GOOD and your mercy endures forever. Remind me that your plan is to prosper me and not to harm me. Help me to trust in your plan to give me hope and a future.
inadequate [ɪnˈædɪkwɪt]
adj
1. not adequate; insufficient
2. not capable or competent; lacking
This particularly defines how I feel today, and something I struggle with a lot in my life. Today, I was ready to give up. Today, I wanted to be mediocre and not care. Today, I wished that I was fine with less than perfect. Today, I wanted to hide from all my job responsibilities and pretend I don't feel incompetent
Infertility makes me feel inadequate too. The voices in this world, and often in my own head, tell me that I'm not whole because I can't procreate. That I'm incomplete, inadequate. That I'm lacking. And really, my own desires tell me these things more than anything else. My heart aches because this longing is so deep within - longing to be a mother, to see Ben be the most amazing dad. The longing to raise children in a house that loves Jesus.
But, the eloquent words of Sanctus Real (you can listen here) remind me that
"When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven"
And God reminds me through his own Holy Word that I have nothing to fear in this life in Isaiah 51:
12"I, I am he who comforts you;
who are you that you are afraid of man who dies,
of the son of man who is made like grass,
13and have forgotten the LORD, your Maker,
who stretched out the heavens
and laid the foundations of the earth,
and you fear continually all the day
because of the wrath of the oppressor,
when he sets himself to destroy?
And where is the wrath of the oppressor?
Jesus - help me overcome my unbelief. Help me to overcome these feelings of inadequacy. Remind me that I mean enough to you that you know the number of hairs on my head and you see every tear that falls. You know the deepest desires, you have given me the talents I have. You have placed me in this job and your plan is what rules my life. Help me to remember that you are GOOD and your mercy endures forever. Remind me that your plan is to prosper me and not to harm me. Help me to trust in your plan to give me hope and a future.
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