Words Can't Express...

I came across this on another adoption blog, and frankly, I have no words.  It's just an incredible reminder that God will call us to situations for which we DO NOT KNOW the end result, and we are called to love all those involved, even if only for a moment, because God tells us to and because it's our privilege to do it.

Watch this video here, of the author describing why he wrote this song.  The full lyrics to this song are below.  The full music video is here.

All of Me

Matt Hammitt

Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

-"All of Me", Matt Hammitt

Our Nursery

So, one way we have been filling these waiting months was getting the nursery ready!  Everything is neutral, and I (as always) had lots of trouble making decisions so each step really took a while!  We painted about two months ago, because we knew that would be the one thing that would get immensely harder if we brought a little one home unexpectedly.  Then we put the office furniture back in.  :)

A couple weeks later, we decided to go for it and started all the other steps.  We put together the furniture we had bought from Craigslist a while ago.  We put on the bedding that Ben's mom lovingly had us pick out and purchased for us.  We bought the white curtains and Ben designed how they should be put up.  We got the chair we bought from Craigslist from our family in the nearby big city who were storing it since they picked it up.  My mother in law and I worked together on picking out the material for the chair cover and curtains...and I made the curtains!!  My first sewing feat as an adult, and I have to say, I'm quite proud! :)  This past weekend, the tree branch decals we bought finally came in the mail and Ben & I spent a good 3 hours putting them up (that was way harder than I expected).  So, now, here's the finished product!!!

The room to the left as you walk in.

The room looking in from the chair corner

We love having it all put together, and now it feels like such a real place when we pray in here for our birthmom and baby to come...  And now...we WAIT some more.  :)

Agony? Or am I overreacting?

Alright - so, we're still waiting.  I would love to say that I've managed to recently connect to Jesus in a deeper way in this, to cling to His plan and know in my deepest parts that it's the best possible plan.  Unfortunately, my eyes keep wandering and really, I've just been in agony.  I worry, I plot, I prepare some more, and I hang onto the sliver of hope for dear life.  Each day gets so much harder.  Each waiting family with our agency we see get matched and be blessed with the little one meant for them is like a tiny stab to my heart.  I am continuing to see milestones pass that I once looked ahead to and thought, "Of course we'll have our little one by then!".  And my heart aches.  And aches and aches and aches.

But, this morning, I was listening to a CD put together by my best friend, who has faithfully led a small group of women in a wonderful Bible study over the last year plus.  We had a worship night quite some time ago, and she gave us each a CD of the songs we listened to and worshiped with that night.  On it is a song that this gal's husband vulnerably shared with Ben & I just a few months ago.  It was hard for me to hear it then as a reminder of the possibility of where my heart could actually be in faith, and it's still hard now.  But it's an incredible reminder that our trust in Him CANNOT be circumstantial.  Our trust and rejoicing has to be based in what He did for us. 

Please, Jesus, help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me live these words (the entire song is below):

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Listen here

The Desert Song

Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow