Oh...Job...

Stick with me - these verses are a bit long!

So Ben and I been doing a 60-day overview of the Bible for our devtionals.  Two days ago, we read in Job and I was just so convicted.   

Job, who suffered and suffered, and suffered, is able to say this at the epilogue of the book (Chapter 42):



Job Responds to the Lord

 ¹ Then Job replied to the Lord:

 ² “I know that you can do anything,
      and no one can stop you.
 ³ You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’
      It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about,
      things far too wonderful for me.
 ⁴ You said, ‘Listen and I will speak!
      I have some questions for you,
      and you must answer them.’
 ⁵ I had only heard about you before,
      but now I have seen you with my own eyes.
 ⁶ I take back everything I said,
      and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.” 



And then, the next day, we read in Psalm 51.  Talk about conviction.

Psalm 51

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
       according to your unfailing love;
       according to your great compassion
       blot out my transgressions.

 ² Wash away all my iniquity
       and cleanse me from my sin.

 ³ For I know my transgressions,
       and my sin is always before me.

 ⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
       and done what is evil in your sight,
       so that you are proved right when you speak
       and justified when you judge.

 ^... 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ^[a] ;
       you teach ^[b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

 ⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
       wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

 ⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
       let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

 ⁹ Hide your face from my sins
       and blot out all my iniquity.

 ¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
       and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

 ¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
       or take your Holy Spirit from me.

 ¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
       and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

... ¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
       and my mouth will declare your praise.

And finally, I was reminded of Lamentations 3:22-24:

 ²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
      His mercies never cease.
 ²³ Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
 ²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”



So, there is my recent journey through Scripture that has reminded me that others have suffered in much greater ways than I, and the Lord was faithful through it all (Job was made twice as prosperous after his long period of hardship).  I was reminded to confess my sins, my dark heart before the pure and Holy and just God.  And finally, I was reminded that this same God is merciful and gracious, and he blesses me anew every morning.  I hope this may bring hope and encouragement to others.

Disappointment.

Sadness. Unbelievable pain. Fear. Utter heartbreak. Frustration. These are the feelings of another failed cycle. Ben and I will be continuing on this horrific journey. I think it's mostly hard to put into words what this really feels like. Yes, I can list off the words above, and though they are all so true and applicable, they just don't quite express my heart right now. I'm not sure if this is something one can understand without having been through it themselves. And while I don't wish this pain on anyone for any reason, I do feel like it might sometimes be nice to have someone near me (physically) who can understand or to relate.

I have been wanting to share a couple of resources I found at a wonderful Christian based infertility support forum. These are things that I thought might be useful to our loved ones who want to offer support. The first is simply a list of suggestions on how to help: http://sail.heritage-umc.org/html/helping_a_loved__one_with_infe.html.

This one is a poignant video. While we may not identify with everything, I felt that this video helps to reflect what our journey, our life is like while dealing with infertility: http://www.tearsandhope.com/.

I don't mean to be pushy with these things. It's just very difficult to express my heart about this journey. We don't often bring it up, because we know it's hard for others to understand and handle. We know that it's a depressing subject (believe me, we know). We never want to impose on others' good news with our difficulties, and I really feel that we actually do a great job of this. I think sometimes I'm scared that others ignore what we are going through because it's an uncomfortable situation, and events in others' lives do affect us in ways most can't imagine. But that doesn't mean we don't want to know, or that we can't celebrate with others. In fact, it's usually more painful to have others pretend like nothing is happening. Because it's natural to want to feel supported. But I think these resources explain most of this better than I can.

We are taking some time "off" so to speak so that we have time to investigate what doctors and resources we have here in town, and which places in the big city might be a good match for our needs. We do pray that something will work out, especially financially. We always covet and appreciate your prayers. Please let me know if you have any questions at all.

With Love,

Jenny

Song of the Moment

I love JJ Heller. I've seen her in concert twice, and watching the interaction between her and her husband is just so wonderful. To top it off, her songs so often speak directly to my heart and soul. Here is my song of the moment, a song that makes me want to scream these lyrics at the top of my lungs:

When You Come Back

I don't know how to follow you without losing my way

Jesus come and take me by the hand

I don't know how to trust that you will do the things you say

Spirit teach me how to understand

That your love can heal the wreckage of my soul

The beauty of your light shining in me

I don't know when you'll take me home to paradise with you

The day when I will finally be free

Oh the day when you come back for me

Zion National Park

Okay - here's my attempt at posting pictures! Hopefully I'll have a career update early next week...

This was on our first hike, which was short because we arrived late and got set up. This was a loop which went to three "emerald pools," which weren't really pools at all. But they were pretty! The picture below is the first "pool" which, as you can see, is a waterfall.

This was our second day, and this is the Angel's Landing hike. It was STEEP! We made it about 5 miles round trip!

Later our second day, we did a short hike called the Riverside Walk, which takes us to the trailhead for The Narrows, which is a 9-mile roundtrip day hike that we hope to go back and do someday.

It was a fun trip. We survived the 90+ degree heat and had some good adventures! For as close as we are, we definitely need to go back! There's so much to explore, three hikes didn't really do it justice.

Life...Where does it go?!

So. Life sneaks up and so much happens so fast.

We have officially finalized a contract on what should become our first home with a foundation (I say that because our current home is so awesome, and I love it so much - it's just technically not a house, it's a single wide trailer)! It's been a wild ride, a very terrifying and unsettling ride! That is really what took our attention this last week, and we wrote the earnest money check just yesterday. It needs some construction work (good thing I've got a great husband and in-law family for that!), and it really is much too big for us right now (it's got four bedrooms for pete's sake). But it may soon become ours and hopefully will become a happy haven for the two of us for the time being.

I have officially completed my first round of grading as a college professor. Talk about intimidating and stressful. I just handed the first packets back yesterday, so I'm not out of the woods yet as far as the feedback, or backlash, goes. It's very bizarre to have so much authority.

And then there's the waiting... This part is called the two week wait (tww). I've learned so many acronyms, by the way, by being in the infertility world. I usually make myself wait at least several days after I know I've ovulated to look at the looming "test date" suggestion. It's always difficult to wait. For anything in life, really. We live in a society that hates waiting. Look at fast food, self-checkout shopping lines, and our inherent frustration with red stop lights. So when it comes to something THIS important, the waiting is horrible. But that is where we are at. The Lord asked so many of his followers to wait in his Word. Sometimes waiting meant 40 days, sometimes 40 years, and sometimes (eek!) thousands of years. So when I think about two weeks...I really should feel as bad as I usually do...

We took three days two weeks ago and went to Zion National Park for a weekend of camping and hiking and it was great!!! I hope to post some pictures soon (that will be a first in blogworld!). And I also hope to soon have some closure to what turned out to be a really great career conversation those couple weeks back (when I mentioned my big meeting coming up).