Time Flies

Wow - can't believe it's been so long since I tossed my thoughts into cyber space.  The house is....coming!  We still have lots of work to do, and we *might* be in it by the end of the year.  This has thrown me for a loop - as you read in my previous post, I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to the holiday season.  It kills my heart that I can't decorate full out - celebrate in my usual manner (being the creature of habit I am). Alas, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I have been finding it necessary to force myself into a grateful heart.  This shouldn't be hard.  Our life is so full of blessings, I'm sure it would take me forever to count them all.  And yet, I drown in worry, stress, and about 80 million other negative emotions and states of mind.

Also, I am finding the holidays particularly difficult this year.  A dear friend just had her little girl today, and it seems as though there is pregnancy all around me.  My mother in law (who's amazing, by the way - there's a huge blessing right there) threw together an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner the day after Veteran's Day because all the siblings happened to be here.  It was, of course, an incredible meal.  But it was hard.  Harder than I imagined.  I found myself watching my beautiful toddler nieces and handsome nephew, so full of life and loving to be together.  Yes, there was the usual tantrums and difficulties.  But it didn't matter.  Watching those little cousins grow, and grow together, just became too much and I found myself vehemently crying in the bathroom, trying to stay quiet and not make a scene.  We so desperately want to be a part of that world.  And the Lord says no.  And we don't know why.  And it hurts.  And hurts and hurts.

We are still not pursuing medical treatment at this time.  Life has just been overwhelming.  I am back to temperature taking and such, so it seems life as normal.  The daily reminders are back (time off from this process is sometimes so forgiving), and Christmas will be here soon.

Lord, please heal my heart.  Place a holy trust in my soul, Lord, to know you and to trust you.  Bless the mothers I know.  Bless their overwhelmed minds and bodies.  Bless the little ones you are still forming into little bundles of perfection.  Help me to remember my own blessings, the multitudes that there are, and get on my knees and stop questioning my Creator.

News

Well, it's official - we now own a big old house!  We finally got the keys in hand yesterday (though we technically closed on Thursday - I felt that I had to wait until it was totally good!).  Ben already started on construction today.  I most definitely need to get some "before" pictures since we intend to rip up and replace ALL the flooring, paint ALL the walls, completely remodel the kitchen, change sliding glass doors for french doors (living room) and windows (master bedroom).  And...if we have any money left...remodel the master bath.  It's quite a thing to take on (well, for Ben and his dad and brothers...not really sure what I'll contribute!).

I started teaching my second course (a 7 week, online course) on the 1st.  So things have certainly picked up!  Life feels very busy, which is hard since I'm coming up on my FAVORITE time of year.  Let me take a moment to describe just how much I love the holidays.  I LOVE THEM!  First of all, it's Jesus' time.  Period.  Second, I started listening to Christmas music about 2 weeks ago (I know, not even November...).  I have several boxes of Christmas decorations that I always insist on having up as quickly after Thanksgiving as humanly possible.  I went to Disneyland in December last year and was in heaven.  I'm sure my friend Jessica can tell you how many times I shrieked with joy at the ginormous Christmas tree (these toilets are GINORMOUS! - Elf - another reason to love the season).  Anyway, that is a very small tangent about how much I love this time of year.

On the infertility front, we had an appointment last week with an OBGYN here in our small town (he was recommended by several folks).  His specialty is actually surgery, but we chose him anyway.  It went well, he was willing to chat with us for quite a while.  We determined that the sonographers in his office can perform the ultrasounds needed for any IUI cycle.  They're not cheap (what about infertility is?) but he did agree to waive his office visit fee to interpret them before being sent on to whatever specialist we choose to work with in our Big City.  His philosophies are actually quite different than my previous RE.  For example, he doesn't think I need Clomid (because I ovulate on my own), nor does he really support me taking it.  But he's willing to prescribe it if that's what we choose.

While that meeting was beneficial, we haven't really had a chance to sit down and really consider our options at this point (which would most likely be continuing with Clomid or Injectable Meds and IUI - ultrasounds here and procedure in Big City).  Life has been a bit overwhelming lately...  Anyway, I'll give updates as we have them but as of now, we aren't pursuing anything.  LIFE!

My Plea

I've always loved this song, and we sang it this past Sunday.  I found myself crying out, pleading with the Lord for him to bring me to a place where I can sing these words with all of my heart and really mean it.

Blessed be Your Name (excerpt)

Matt Redman

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering
Blessed be Your name
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

I want to be able to stand up, lift my hands, and say Lord - you are good.  No matter what, you are good.  And I choose to bless your name in the midst of suffering, of pain, and confused trust.  I choose to praise you not only when things are good, but when things are rough and the waters are cloudy.  I love you, Lord.  Bring me closer to you, close enough to be able to sing this verse and mean it!