We felt closure within our grasp...and then it slipped quietly away.
We were presented to the entire team of case workers at our agency on Thursday (12/15) for approval to be certified and have our match letter placed in the books and on the website (which marks the true waiting season, as once this happens, placement could theoretically happen ANY TIME, but the average is anywhere from 3 months to a year).
We called our case worker just before 5, because she hadn't contacted us with the results. We expected a positive report, and news that we'd be in the books the very next day because after our final meeting, she had let us know that she had no concerns.
Instead, we were told that we are not approved right now. That the team has concerns about my family history and working with birth families and the unpredictability of the possible situations we may work with, and we're not 100% sure what our next steps are. We feel pretty devastated - this isn't what we were expecting...at all. Actually, that's an understatement. We are thankful to have Godly people in our lives who are continuing to remind us that God's plan reigns supreme... But right now...our hearts are broken and hurting, and we're just plain confused.
12/19/11
12/6/11
Waiting
If you haven't already assumed - so much of our journey is defined by waiting. Waiting each month while experiencing infertility to see if all our efforts paid off with a positive test. Waiting for test results, all to be told nothing's medically identifiable as a reason. Waiting for God to clarify whether further infertility treatments or adoption was our route. Waiting for classes to be scheduled for us to be able to attend. Waiting for classes to be rescheduled for us to attend. Waiting for our paperwork to be processed. Waiting for our home study to begin, and waiting for each appointment to take place. That's where we are now. Once our last appointment is completed this Thursday, we'll wait to find out if we will make the December meeting for presentation to the team, then we will wait to find out if we are approved for certification. Once we're approved, and our match letter is in place - we will begin the wait for placement - for the phone call that will tell us that God has finally identified the child we will hopefully bring home. We may wait for the birth of that child. We will wait for the consent paperwork to be signed. We will wait for our official day in court - when all will be 100% finalized.
That's a lot of waiting.
A dear friend of mine shared this blog post, by Adam R. Holz, (find the article here) with me recently. I wanted to share it with you, because it's a great commentary on our journey of waiting, with the most relevant reminder. It's not long, stick with it!
Amen Adam. Thanks for sharing!
That's a lot of waiting.
A dear friend of mine shared this blog post, by Adam R. Holz, (find the article here) with me recently. I wanted to share it with you, because it's a great commentary on our journey of waiting, with the most relevant reminder. It's not long, stick with it!
This week marks the first week of Advent. Now, before I married a Presbyterian, I confess I’d never really given Advent much of a thought. Oh, I knew that it had to do with looking forward to Jesus’ birth, but I didn’t know much more about it than that, really. Now, however, I’m a part of a church and a tradition that deliberately observes this joyous season in the liturgical calendar. For Presbyterians (as well as many Catholics, Anglicans, Lutherans and Methodists), the four weeks before Christmas are a season full of expectation as we look forward to celebrating the birth of the Christ child.
Because Advent is by its very nature a time of waiting, I think it offers a ready-made opportunity to ponder where our hearts are at and what they’re hoping and waiting for. And no matter where we’re at in life, we’re almost always waiting and hoping for something.
When I was young, the Christmas season was a time of agonizing, tormenting waiting. My Grandma Roberts was always extraordinarily conscientious about her Christmas shopping. Sometimes she had it all done by the end of October. As soon as Halloween was over, her Christmas tree went up. And underneath it sat all those presents for the grandkids, lovingly wrapped. I remember many, many years looking longingly at the gifts with my name on them — waiting and hoping she’d gotten me what I asked for. Each year, it seemed, my heart fixated on something that would, I thought, make my world complete, whether it was a Minolta Weathermatic A underwater camera or Coleco Electronic Quarterback or Kenner’s exquisite Millennium Falcon. (All of which, I just checked, are actually available on eBay right now. Hmmm…)
As I got older, my desires morphed and grew. Looking back at the last 20 years or so, from 20ish to 40ish, it seems as if the young adult years in particular are absolutely packed with waiting and longing. Indeed, much of what we hope for the most in life seems to get concentrated in a few short (or long!) years during our young adult pilgrimage.
We wait to find out if we’ve been accepted to the college we want. As those years zoom by, we begin to look forward with hopeful expectation to life in the “real world” with a “real job.” We wait for a spouse. Then kids. Then the desperate desire for those little ones to sleep through the night (which has been my own personal waiting crucible for the last five years). Then we wait to save up for a home big enough to hold us all.
For many of us, young adulthood is defined by those overlapping cycles of waiting and hoping. We’ve barely reached one milestone when our desires shift and we plunge into the next season of praying and longing. I’ll never forget one friend in college who longed to be married with every fiber of her being. Her hopes were fulfilled after we graduated, and very soon it became apparent that she yearned for children with the same intensity that she’d hoped for marriage. But she would face many years of infertility — and deep struggles with contentment — before that hope was granted as well. Her story illustrates how our young adult years can be a dizzying time of hopes continually deferred … even as some of them are fulfilled.
Which brings me back to the subject and season of Advent.
As I mentioned above, I think Advent offers us a perfect opportunity to entrust those churning movements of our hearts to God. After all, it’s a season in which we ponder what God set in motion with the birth of a tiny babe, a little person who would change everything … but not quite yet. Advent is by definition a season of anticipation and expectation.
As we move into Advent, what is your soul yearning for? God assures us that He knows the tender spots in our hearts. Amazingly, He actually waits for us to pour out the desires of our hearts to Him.
For what it’s worth, I don’t know that I’m much better at waiting at the age of 41 than I was back when Grandma Roberts lovingly tortured me with presents under the tree when I was young. I don’t like not having what I want. But I think it’s in these seasons that God does remarkable work in souls, showing us things about our own character and His that we might not have learned any other way.
Likewise, Advent reminds us that God brings all things to fulfillment at the proper time … and that we can trust Him with the desires of our hearts.
Because Advent is by its very nature a time of waiting, I think it offers a ready-made opportunity to ponder where our hearts are at and what they’re hoping and waiting for. And no matter where we’re at in life, we’re almost always waiting and hoping for something.
When I was young, the Christmas season was a time of agonizing, tormenting waiting. My Grandma Roberts was always extraordinarily conscientious about her Christmas shopping. Sometimes she had it all done by the end of October. As soon as Halloween was over, her Christmas tree went up. And underneath it sat all those presents for the grandkids, lovingly wrapped. I remember many, many years looking longingly at the gifts with my name on them — waiting and hoping she’d gotten me what I asked for. Each year, it seemed, my heart fixated on something that would, I thought, make my world complete, whether it was a Minolta Weathermatic A underwater camera or Coleco Electronic Quarterback or Kenner’s exquisite Millennium Falcon. (All of which, I just checked, are actually available on eBay right now. Hmmm…)
As I got older, my desires morphed and grew. Looking back at the last 20 years or so, from 20ish to 40ish, it seems as if the young adult years in particular are absolutely packed with waiting and longing. Indeed, much of what we hope for the most in life seems to get concentrated in a few short (or long!) years during our young adult pilgrimage.
We wait to find out if we’ve been accepted to the college we want. As those years zoom by, we begin to look forward with hopeful expectation to life in the “real world” with a “real job.” We wait for a spouse. Then kids. Then the desperate desire for those little ones to sleep through the night (which has been my own personal waiting crucible for the last five years). Then we wait to save up for a home big enough to hold us all.
For many of us, young adulthood is defined by those overlapping cycles of waiting and hoping. We’ve barely reached one milestone when our desires shift and we plunge into the next season of praying and longing. I’ll never forget one friend in college who longed to be married with every fiber of her being. Her hopes were fulfilled after we graduated, and very soon it became apparent that she yearned for children with the same intensity that she’d hoped for marriage. But she would face many years of infertility — and deep struggles with contentment — before that hope was granted as well. Her story illustrates how our young adult years can be a dizzying time of hopes continually deferred … even as some of them are fulfilled.
Which brings me back to the subject and season of Advent.
As I mentioned above, I think Advent offers us a perfect opportunity to entrust those churning movements of our hearts to God. After all, it’s a season in which we ponder what God set in motion with the birth of a tiny babe, a little person who would change everything … but not quite yet. Advent is by definition a season of anticipation and expectation.
As we move into Advent, what is your soul yearning for? God assures us that He knows the tender spots in our hearts. Amazingly, He actually waits for us to pour out the desires of our hearts to Him.
For what it’s worth, I don’t know that I’m much better at waiting at the age of 41 than I was back when Grandma Roberts lovingly tortured me with presents under the tree when I was young. I don’t like not having what I want. But I think it’s in these seasons that God does remarkable work in souls, showing us things about our own character and His that we might not have learned any other way.
Likewise, Advent reminds us that God brings all things to fulfillment at the proper time … and that we can trust Him with the desires of our hearts.
11/19/11
National Adoption Month
So - November is National Adoption Month! I've loved it because I am hearing about adoption all over the place - I feel like Focus on the Family's broadcasts have been adoption focused every time I turn on the radio. Specifically, today is National Adoption Day. Our agency was probably pretty darn busy, as many families wait until National Adoption Day to finalize their adoptions in court (this usually takes around 6 months after consents are signed, so many simply wait for this special day). It's a really big deal in Maricopa county - the courthouse area is a literal fair with bounce houses, food, and all kinds of stuff for adoptive families to come and enjoy while they celebrate.
It's interesting to be right smack in the middle of our certification process during this month. It's a paradigm because this month is huge for celebration - yet, we are in the midst of what I *hope* is the hardest thing we ever do after infertility (yes, I, too, am sure I just jinxed it). It's hard to explain this process. I think one of the easiest cliches is that we constantly feel like "we're under the microscope." We know that God is honoring the deepest desire of our hearts for parenthood through adoption - and we are truly beyond excited that He's guiding us through this journey. But you have to understand that so many people just get to be parents - even unintentionally in lots of cases. For us to be parents, we've gone through the valley of incredible pain. We've been fingerprinted. Exposed. Investigated. We have had the most intimate, vulnerable aspects of our life brought to light. Our insecurities uncovered and delved into. We know it is worth it. And we know God is in control. But our human moments get the best of us sometimes. And we feel defensive, and even discouraged sometimes. And the journey's hardly started!
We have what might be our last visit this Monday in Phoenix, for our infertility grief assessment. They may choose for us to take their newer personality test, and if that's the case we'll have another appointment sometime to go over the results from that. We take each step in faith and with confidence that God's got us!!! We always assumed we would be certified and waiting before the year ended - but we're learning early that (yes, again and as always) our plans are not God's plans!
In the meantime, we covet your prayers for peace and patience - and for our excitement and trust to overwhelm anything else that comes up. We know that there's so much more unknown to come - we need the Lord to help us through it!!
Happy National Adoption Month - hopefully, and prayerfully, our last one without children!!!
It's interesting to be right smack in the middle of our certification process during this month. It's a paradigm because this month is huge for celebration - yet, we are in the midst of what I *hope* is the hardest thing we ever do after infertility (yes, I, too, am sure I just jinxed it). It's hard to explain this process. I think one of the easiest cliches is that we constantly feel like "we're under the microscope." We know that God is honoring the deepest desire of our hearts for parenthood through adoption - and we are truly beyond excited that He's guiding us through this journey. But you have to understand that so many people just get to be parents - even unintentionally in lots of cases. For us to be parents, we've gone through the valley of incredible pain. We've been fingerprinted. Exposed. Investigated. We have had the most intimate, vulnerable aspects of our life brought to light. Our insecurities uncovered and delved into. We know it is worth it. And we know God is in control. But our human moments get the best of us sometimes. And we feel defensive, and even discouraged sometimes. And the journey's hardly started!
We have what might be our last visit this Monday in Phoenix, for our infertility grief assessment. They may choose for us to take their newer personality test, and if that's the case we'll have another appointment sometime to go over the results from that. We take each step in faith and with confidence that God's got us!!! We always assumed we would be certified and waiting before the year ended - but we're learning early that (yes, again and as always) our plans are not God's plans!
In the meantime, we covet your prayers for peace and patience - and for our excitement and trust to overwhelm anything else that comes up. We know that there's so much more unknown to come - we need the Lord to help us through it!!
Happy National Adoption Month - hopefully, and prayerfully, our last one without children!!!
11/5/11
Adoption Education
Okay...so I promised a while back that I would write about some of the things we've learned SO FAR through our adoption journey - adoption language, open adoption, adoption not being plan "B", the fact that adoption does NOT replace the pain of infertility, etc.
So, first up - positive adoption language (see a great summary article here).
Here's a few words/phrases that I never realized were hurtful or inaccurate until I started really learning about adoption:
So, first up - positive adoption language (see a great summary article here).
Here's a few words/phrases that I never realized were hurtful or inaccurate until I started really learning about adoption:
- "real parents" - our child will have birth parents (or, biological parents), but we will be their real parents, the ones making everyday parenting decisions, providing for him/her, the ones raising him/her (we're not imaginary, as opposed to "real")
- "giving up a child for adoption" - our agency uses the word "placement". The birthparents in our special situation will choose to place their child - an extremely painful, courageous choice.
- "she's going to keep it" - if, in the end, God leads a birth mother/parents to have a change of heart, she is choosing to parent, instead of choosing to place.
10/30/11
Today is the Day
So - our pastor has been teaching us through the story of Elijah in 1Kings and 2 Kings. There's so much about his story that I identify with. Elijah never imagined (or so I would think) that he would go head to head with Ahab, or toe to toe with 850 false prophets. But God clearly used him, had a plan, and knew exactly what he was taking Elijah to and through. I never thought we would be infertile. I never, EVER, imagined we would be adopting. But God has us here. Right?? We have to rest in that truth. We have to.
Today, we also sang "Today is the Day" by Lincoln Brewster (you can listen here.) Oh my. The words in bold just touch my heart and bring me to my knees. We recently had our 2nd adoption visit, and it wasn't the smoothest feeling appointment in the world. We have some lingering feelings of discouragement, but again HAVE to know that God is in this with us, that he has us here for a reason, and he gives us each day as a gift.
I'm casting my cares aside
I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind on You
Jesus
I'm reaching my hand to Yours
Believing theres so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm trusting in what You say
Today is the day
I putting my fears aside
I'm leaving my doubts behind
I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You
Jesus
I'm reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good
Finally, we recently did a 25 mile hike in 48 hours to Havasupai and back in the Grand Canyon, with our two best friends. It's an incredible place, the photo below is just a tiny slice of this heavenly place that sits right in the middle of the desert.
10/18/11
Progress...
It's official! We're on our way toward becoming parents! We have completed one visit so far, and the next is scheduled for 10/28!! Here's what we have to accomplish before being certified:
1. Visit in nearby small town (2 appointments - each individual interview) - DONE
2. Visit in nearby small town (1 appointment - genogram) - 10/28
3. Visit in our small town (2 appointments - home visit & results of our personality tests) - TBD
4. Visit in nearby big city (2 appointments - infertility counseling & new personality test results) - TBD
In the meantime, we're still creating our match letter and are SO excited to be on this journey! We're trying very hard not to create expectations about timelines...we figure, if we don't create expectations, we can't be disappointed. :) Plus, this line of thinking helps us all the more to remember it's God's timing and not our own that will guide this process.
If you would like, we'd like to invite each of you to be praying for our birthparents and child. It's amazing, as I've begun praying this way, the things that God is choosing to reveal... For example, earlier on in the infertility journey, I have a very dear friend that would remind me, often when a new cycle would start - "God knows the EXACT sperm and egg that will meet to create your child." And she's right - just because it's not my egg and Ben's sperm - this is still our child!!!! And we are praying for him or her, and for the parents that will courageously choose to place them into our arms.
Much love,
Jenny
1. Visit in nearby small town (2 appointments - each individual interview) - DONE
2. Visit in nearby small town (1 appointment - genogram) - 10/28
3. Visit in our small town (2 appointments - home visit & results of our personality tests) - TBD
4. Visit in nearby big city (2 appointments - infertility counseling & new personality test results) - TBD
In the meantime, we're still creating our match letter and are SO excited to be on this journey! We're trying very hard not to create expectations about timelines...we figure, if we don't create expectations, we can't be disappointed. :) Plus, this line of thinking helps us all the more to remember it's God's timing and not our own that will guide this process.
If you would like, we'd like to invite each of you to be praying for our birthparents and child. It's amazing, as I've begun praying this way, the things that God is choosing to reveal... For example, earlier on in the infertility journey, I have a very dear friend that would remind me, often when a new cycle would start - "God knows the EXACT sperm and egg that will meet to create your child." And she's right - just because it's not my egg and Ben's sperm - this is still our child!!!! And we are praying for him or her, and for the parents that will courageously choose to place them into our arms.
Much love,
Jenny
9/30/11
We're Adopting!!!
Okay - so it's been quite the journey already - to get to this point where we can actually utter these words!!! We know that, for some time, our language has been more like "we are pretty sure," or "we think this is the direction we're going, but we don't know for sure," or some other variant. But, before we left for Scotland, we submitted our completed paperwork application because we felt confirmation from the Lord that this in fact our path. God's story in our lives is something we never could have predicted or dreamed up. When we got married over four years ago, we had no idea this is where we would go. And now, we're so thrilled to have begun praying for our adoptive child, and also for the birthmother and family.
While we were gone, the agency started reviewing our file, and even sent our references their forms. We expect a call early next week to start scheduling our home study - but as we have to remind ourselves - nothing about this journey is really predictable or controllable. Soon, I hope to write about some of the things we learned about in our classes - adoption language, open adoption, adoption not being "plan B", the fact that adoption does NOT replace the pain of infertility, etc... We are so happy that you are choosing to walk this journey with us by reading along!
In the meantime, our task is to start our match letter. This is the letter that will go on the agency's website and into books in pregnancy centers throughout the state. WOW! We're moving forward!!!
We're adopting!!!! (gotta get used to saying that - we're SO excited!)
While we were gone, the agency started reviewing our file, and even sent our references their forms. We expect a call early next week to start scheduling our home study - but as we have to remind ourselves - nothing about this journey is really predictable or controllable. Soon, I hope to write about some of the things we learned about in our classes - adoption language, open adoption, adoption not being "plan B", the fact that adoption does NOT replace the pain of infertility, etc... We are so happy that you are choosing to walk this journey with us by reading along!
In the meantime, our task is to start our match letter. This is the letter that will go on the agency's website and into books in pregnancy centers throughout the state. WOW! We're moving forward!!!
We're adopting!!!! (gotta get used to saying that - we're SO excited!)
9/15/11
Vacation!!!
We've created a special blog for our vacation (we cross our fingers we'll be able to update it regularly)! You can find it here.
9/9/11
The Journey
So - updates!!!
We have lots to talk about... First, we are moving forward on the adoption journey!!! The first part is completing the paperwork, which we are doing in faith as we continue to search our hearts for any closed doors from the Lord. The agency we are working with is 100% all about open adoption - which for us, is one of the pieces we hesitate about, but certainly doesn't deter us from pursuing this. If you want to know more about open adoption, I'd be happy to share all we've learned! (If I shared everything we experienced in our classes here, it would be WAY too long) All in all, we feel very excited about this journey and the story that God is weaving. That's not to say that the infertility journey is "solved" or that we aren't still grieving our inability to have biological children right now (this is seriously a whole nother post on its own - maybe I'll get there soon). But God is helping our hearts move forward in anticipation of His Great Plan.
Second, we leave in ONE WEEK for our vacation to SCOTLAND!!!! We are so excited to have this getaway. It will be time to be together, to focus on us, to be away from work, and see more of God's beautiful creation that we've never experienced.
So,in the meantime, we have indeed been working diligently to complete our paperwork package for the adoption agency before we leave, and we're pretty much done!!! After fingerprints, 180 question personality tests (taken twice each!), physicals, about a billion pages of things to read and sign, a 26 page Word form of narrative questions, completing a budget, getting photocopies of birth and marriage certificates, and tax forms, it's completed! I still have to work on getting certified copies of our birth/marriage certificates (needed for the formal certification request), and starting to dream about writing a match letter, but this first piece is just about ready for Fed-Exing, along with our first home study/certification fee check.
So - the next steps, you say?? Well, they're honestly a bit fuzzy to me, but I'll outline it the best I can. Once our package is received and given a once-over by the adoption supervisor, our case worker will schedule 4 visits with us: one is a home visit at our house, which will be coupled with one of our 1:1 meetings with her (since she has to travel two hours to come here). Then, another 1:1 meeting, and one additional meeting that I don't know the purpose of or location for (I just can't remember - it was May that we talked about this). Then, the last pre-placement step is getting our match letter (this is the initial tool that prospective birth mothers/families use to choose the family they want to place with) on their website and in the books around Arizona at pregnancy centers. Writing and putting that together seems really intimidating, so I'm glad we have some time. Finally, once the letter is out there, we have to expect placement (and placement payment - the biggest chunk of the fees) ANYTIME, but the average is about 3 months-1 year.
Phew. That's a lot!
We have lots to talk about... First, we are moving forward on the adoption journey!!! The first part is completing the paperwork, which we are doing in faith as we continue to search our hearts for any closed doors from the Lord. The agency we are working with is 100% all about open adoption - which for us, is one of the pieces we hesitate about, but certainly doesn't deter us from pursuing this. If you want to know more about open adoption, I'd be happy to share all we've learned! (If I shared everything we experienced in our classes here, it would be WAY too long) All in all, we feel very excited about this journey and the story that God is weaving. That's not to say that the infertility journey is "solved" or that we aren't still grieving our inability to have biological children right now (this is seriously a whole nother post on its own - maybe I'll get there soon). But God is helping our hearts move forward in anticipation of His Great Plan.
Second, we leave in ONE WEEK for our vacation to SCOTLAND!!!! We are so excited to have this getaway. It will be time to be together, to focus on us, to be away from work, and see more of God's beautiful creation that we've never experienced.
So,in the meantime, we have indeed been working diligently to complete our paperwork package for the adoption agency before we leave, and we're pretty much done!!! After fingerprints, 180 question personality tests (taken twice each!), physicals, about a billion pages of things to read and sign, a 26 page Word form of narrative questions, completing a budget, getting photocopies of birth and marriage certificates, and tax forms, it's completed! I still have to work on getting certified copies of our birth/marriage certificates (needed for the formal certification request), and starting to dream about writing a match letter, but this first piece is just about ready for Fed-Exing, along with our first home study/certification fee check.
So - the next steps, you say?? Well, they're honestly a bit fuzzy to me, but I'll outline it the best I can. Once our package is received and given a once-over by the adoption supervisor, our case worker will schedule 4 visits with us: one is a home visit at our house, which will be coupled with one of our 1:1 meetings with her (since she has to travel two hours to come here). Then, another 1:1 meeting, and one additional meeting that I don't know the purpose of or location for (I just can't remember - it was May that we talked about this). Then, the last pre-placement step is getting our match letter (this is the initial tool that prospective birth mothers/families use to choose the family they want to place with) on their website and in the books around Arizona at pregnancy centers. Writing and putting that together seems really intimidating, so I'm glad we have some time. Finally, once the letter is out there, we have to expect placement (and placement payment - the biggest chunk of the fees) ANYTIME, but the average is about 3 months-1 year.
Phew. That's a lot!
8/21/11
For HIS Goodness, by HIS Mercy
Today in church, we sang a song called "Today is the Day" by Lincoln Brewster. Our Paster taught on Psalm 23 in his Psalms of Summer series. Together, they placed a large conviction on my life that the infertility journey we are on is for HIS goodness, and by HIS mercy.
The song lyrics talk about giving our hopes and dreams to Jesus, of rejoicing in today without worrying about tomorrow, and knowing that all He has in store for us is GOOD. David's prose in the Psalm reminds us that "surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." God's goodness includes everything about himself - his wrath, his compassion, his judgement, his discipline, his grace - it's ALL good. And Pastor's closing message to the body was that if there's anything in our life that we are dwelling on, that we are letting control us, that we are allowing to drown us in the valley of death even though we personally know our Conquerer - that we need to bring this before God and call it HIS goodness and HIS mercy.
So there you have it. My own personal convictions of today. Song lyrics below (you can listen here) - which are my deepest cry to God - that these would become REAL in my life.
The song lyrics talk about giving our hopes and dreams to Jesus, of rejoicing in today without worrying about tomorrow, and knowing that all He has in store for us is GOOD. David's prose in the Psalm reminds us that "surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." God's goodness includes everything about himself - his wrath, his compassion, his judgement, his discipline, his grace - it's ALL good. And Pastor's closing message to the body was that if there's anything in our life that we are dwelling on, that we are letting control us, that we are allowing to drown us in the valley of death even though we personally know our Conquerer - that we need to bring this before God and call it HIS goodness and HIS mercy.
So there you have it. My own personal convictions of today. Song lyrics below (you can listen here) - which are my deepest cry to God - that these would become REAL in my life.
I'm casting my cares aside
I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind on You
Jesus
I'm reaching my hand to Yours
Believing theres so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good
Chorus:
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm trusting in what You say
Today is the day
I putting my fears aside
I'm leaving my doubts behind
I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You
Jesus
I'm reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good
8/9/11
Days Gone By
Phew. It does surprise me sometimes how how it's been since I have written anything here.
Our first adoption class is less than a week away, and we'll travel to the nearby big city on Friday for our introduction. Classes are this Friday-Saturday, and then again on the 26th-27th. We are looking forward to a time of being overwhelmed by information, and hopefully opening our hearts and minds to exactly what God has for us. It's been a long time coming - the adoption packet has been sitting in our kitchen drawer since May, waiting for an opportunity to learn more...
It's a little bit scary. It's a little bit awesome. It's a little bit...well...like God's game and not ours.
"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while,
'He who is coming will come and will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be
pleased with him.'
But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
HEBREWS 10:35-39
Our first adoption class is less than a week away, and we'll travel to the nearby big city on Friday for our introduction. Classes are this Friday-Saturday, and then again on the 26th-27th. We are looking forward to a time of being overwhelmed by information, and hopefully opening our hearts and minds to exactly what God has for us. It's been a long time coming - the adoption packet has been sitting in our kitchen drawer since May, waiting for an opportunity to learn more...
It's a little bit scary. It's a little bit awesome. It's a little bit...well...like God's game and not ours.
"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while,
'He who is coming will come and will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be
pleased with him.'
But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
HEBREWS 10:35-39
7/13/11
How Can I Keep From Singing
This is the last portion of Chris Tomlin's "How Can I Keep From Singing", which we sung in church a few weeks ago. As I read these words on the screen, and as they started to come out of my mouth - I was struck by an incredible, overwhelming desire to truly believe, and mean them.
I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne
how can I keep from singing your praise
how can I ever say enough, how amazing is your love
how can I keep from shouting your name
I know I am loved by the king and it makes my heart want to sing
We're about to leave for Canada, for Ben's family reunion. I'm really excited - I love visiting Ontario. This will be my third time, but the first with all of his brothers, and the first time with all the new grandkids. Again - I'm truly excited (not only for a much needed break from work) for time with this wonderful family. But I am a little worried, too. When kids are around, they're the focus - it's just the way it is. I worry about my heart. My husband is incredible, already thinking about ways for us to be away, to have a break if needed. But I'd covet your prayers! We leave Friday night, and come back on the 25th. Off we go, eh!!!
6/23/11
Day by Day
So, the agency we are attempting to work with has made a commitment to us. They scheduled two weekends in August in the nearby Big City - the 12/13thth and 26th/27th. They said if we commit to coming, they'll commit to hold the classes no matter what.
We put in the request for Ben's days off and have committed to trying to take the classes then. While two months, to most people, doesn't seem like much - for us this seems like a really long delay. But we will sit and trust that this is the perfect timing that we know God is capable of.
We put in the request for Ben's days off and have committed to trying to take the classes then. While two months, to most people, doesn't seem like much - for us this seems like a really long delay. But we will sit and trust that this is the perfect timing that we know God is capable of.
6/11/11
Twists and Turns
Well, there are (it seems) a lot of times where life sure doesn't work out the way we plan.
The classes we were supposed to take in the weekend version with the agency we have been looking into were cancelled due to low enrollment. So, instead of experiencing several hours of adoption classes this weekend, we are home and experiencing a lot of questions.
The Lord is gracious - we don't feel angry, frustrated, or upset. We really are just confused. So many thoughts run through our minds. We found out on Monday that they "may" be cancelled but weren't told until yesterday (Friday - first day of the class) that they were cancelled for sure. First, I (of course) was experiencing my period starting a bit late due to prescription progesterone - but a couple days later than usual - and so here I was thinking...maybe the classes are being cancelled because I'm pregnant!!! No such luck. And then - all the other questions start flooding in. Was this a closed door? Are we not supposed to dive into getting more information? What on earth is happening? What do we do??
The agency has started looking into video conferencing for the classes, and the next round of 7 Tuesday classes in the Big City start August 9th (which seems years away), but they have no idea if they can be up and running by then to allow us to attend from home. They also have weekend classes in the same format in July in Tucson, but we'll be in Canada during the first set.
So...we have no idea what's going on or where to go from here. We'd love your prayers for discernment, wisdom, and peace.
The classes we were supposed to take in the weekend version with the agency we have been looking into were cancelled due to low enrollment. So, instead of experiencing several hours of adoption classes this weekend, we are home and experiencing a lot of questions.
The Lord is gracious - we don't feel angry, frustrated, or upset. We really are just confused. So many thoughts run through our minds. We found out on Monday that they "may" be cancelled but weren't told until yesterday (Friday - first day of the class) that they were cancelled for sure. First, I (of course) was experiencing my period starting a bit late due to prescription progesterone - but a couple days later than usual - and so here I was thinking...maybe the classes are being cancelled because I'm pregnant!!! No such luck. And then - all the other questions start flooding in. Was this a closed door? Are we not supposed to dive into getting more information? What on earth is happening? What do we do??
The agency has started looking into video conferencing for the classes, and the next round of 7 Tuesday classes in the Big City start August 9th (which seems years away), but they have no idea if they can be up and running by then to allow us to attend from home. They also have weekend classes in the same format in July in Tucson, but we'll be in Canada during the first set.
So...we have no idea what's going on or where to go from here. We'd love your prayers for discernment, wisdom, and peace.
6/5/11
Resources Available
Ben and I have had two really great resources through our infertility journey: a book called Hannah's Hope, and a CD recording of a Focus on the Family broadcast about infertility. I think both express a great deal of our hearts and minds.
If any of you who are close to us have any interest in reading or listening, we will be more than happy to lend our copies or buy you your own. We know that there's often lots of questions, or lots of discomfort when it comes to discussing this journey, or even walking it with us. But I think these two things are able to express SO much about this journey that I just felt so validated listening and reading - seeing or hearing my own emotions there on paper (or on CD). Particularly, the book has, at the end of each chapter, a section called "Burden Bearers" designed specifically for those who know a loved one experiencing infertility. But, the whole book is just great.
Anyhow - enough about that. But the resources are available if you want! Just let me know!
If any of you who are close to us have any interest in reading or listening, we will be more than happy to lend our copies or buy you your own. We know that there's often lots of questions, or lots of discomfort when it comes to discussing this journey, or even walking it with us. But I think these two things are able to express SO much about this journey that I just felt so validated listening and reading - seeing or hearing my own emotions there on paper (or on CD). Particularly, the book has, at the end of each chapter, a section called "Burden Bearers" designed specifically for those who know a loved one experiencing infertility. But, the whole book is just great.
Anyhow - enough about that. But the resources are available if you want! Just let me know!
5/27/11
Baby Steps (Pardon the Pun)
So, in line with a couple of years of not having any inclination that we would have ever been in this place, the feeling is fresh yet again.
Several weeks ago, Ben & I took a long focused weekend to pray and fast about the next steps in our infertility journey. We asked four couples near and dear to us to come alongside us and each took one day to bathe us in prayer. Right around the same time, I got two very unrelated and just as unexpected referrals to talk to friends/family of friends via email about their adoption experiences. Both of these couples adopted very recently, and both through the same Christian agency in the Big City that I've mentioned before, which is about two hours away. After this focused weekend, neither Ben nor I had any magnificent revelations. However, we did both feel a very strong tug to start looking into adoption. We put on hold any plans to look into a Big City fertility center and instead explore this nebulous and intimidating thing called adoption, and in particular, this adoption agency.
We requested information from this agency, read through it carefully, and decided that we wanted to take their series of classes, which are required of anyone going through their agency. We were hungry for more information, and found out they are running the classes in two Fri-Sat sessions in a smaller city in June. This is a great alternative to their normal Tuesdays from 6-9 in the Big City. We communicated our desire to attend, and were told we would have to have an initial consultation before being allowed to. We were already going to be heading down to Big City for our anniversary weekend, and I called to see if there was any way we could meet with someone the Friday we were coming down (a mere 3 days from that phone call), and miraculously, it worked out.
It was, easily, one of the most interesting 1.5 hours of my life. The first part was our case worker asking us LOTS of questions. Then, she walked us through every single step and piece of paper involved in getting ready to put our match letter into their book and books in pregnancy centers around the Big City. Wow. So. Much. Information. Anyhow - the moral of that story is that we walked away feeling a little overwhelmed and knowing we had a lot to think about. We signed and sent our check for the June classes, which will be on June 10-11 and 24-25. We look forward to absorbing more, and delving deeper into this world.
As we move forward, we vulnerably ask for your prayers for wisdom. For discernment. For clarity. We want this to be God's story - not ours.
Several weeks ago, Ben & I took a long focused weekend to pray and fast about the next steps in our infertility journey. We asked four couples near and dear to us to come alongside us and each took one day to bathe us in prayer. Right around the same time, I got two very unrelated and just as unexpected referrals to talk to friends/family of friends via email about their adoption experiences. Both of these couples adopted very recently, and both through the same Christian agency in the Big City that I've mentioned before, which is about two hours away. After this focused weekend, neither Ben nor I had any magnificent revelations. However, we did both feel a very strong tug to start looking into adoption. We put on hold any plans to look into a Big City fertility center and instead explore this nebulous and intimidating thing called adoption, and in particular, this adoption agency.
We requested information from this agency, read through it carefully, and decided that we wanted to take their series of classes, which are required of anyone going through their agency. We were hungry for more information, and found out they are running the classes in two Fri-Sat sessions in a smaller city in June. This is a great alternative to their normal Tuesdays from 6-9 in the Big City. We communicated our desire to attend, and were told we would have to have an initial consultation before being allowed to. We were already going to be heading down to Big City for our anniversary weekend, and I called to see if there was any way we could meet with someone the Friday we were coming down (a mere 3 days from that phone call), and miraculously, it worked out.
It was, easily, one of the most interesting 1.5 hours of my life. The first part was our case worker asking us LOTS of questions. Then, she walked us through every single step and piece of paper involved in getting ready to put our match letter into their book and books in pregnancy centers around the Big City. Wow. So. Much. Information. Anyhow - the moral of that story is that we walked away feeling a little overwhelmed and knowing we had a lot to think about. We signed and sent our check for the June classes, which will be on June 10-11 and 24-25. We look forward to absorbing more, and delving deeper into this world.
As we move forward, we vulnerably ask for your prayers for wisdom. For discernment. For clarity. We want this to be God's story - not ours.
4/30/11
Day Seven: Every New Day
Here's my final offering in my series of seven songs that touch my heart, convict my soul, or speak to my feelings so well that I want to pretend like I wrote them....
So, Ben is Canadian. Which makes sense as to why he loves Five Iron Frenzy so much. He spent a lot of his youth going, with his brothers, to ska shows with these guys, The Supertones, etc. Anyway, when I was trying to impress Ben I invested a lot of energy in learning some of their lyrics. A few songs actually caught me - and this was by far my favorite. You can listen here, which is great because they happened to use the live version from their very last concert. The end is so full of emotion - it's just awesome.
So, Ben is Canadian. Which makes sense as to why he loves Five Iron Frenzy so much. He spent a lot of his youth going, with his brothers, to ska shows with these guys, The Supertones, etc. Anyway, when I was trying to impress Ben I invested a lot of energy in learning some of their lyrics. A few songs actually caught me - and this was by far my favorite. You can listen here, which is great because they happened to use the live version from their very last concert. The end is so full of emotion - it's just awesome.
When I was young, the smallest trick of light,
Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day,
Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day,
I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for,
And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar,
I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears,
Watered Heaven with their tears,
Before words were spoken,
Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.
When I was small, the furthest I could reach,
Was not so high,
Then I thought the world was so much smaller,
Feeling that I could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies,
Behind infinity,
Below the face of Heaven,
He stoops to create me.
Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.
Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new
(Bolded for my own emphasis)
AMEN!
Only You can make every new day seem so new
(Bolded for my own emphasis)
AMEN!
4/28/11
Day Six: Worlds Apart
Okay, so if Third Day is legendary, I have no idea how to describe Jars of Clay... Here's a song that just plain brings me to my knees. You can listen here.
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
[Additional lyrics:]
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart
4/26/11
Day Five: Grace and Love
I became a huge fan of Kutless many years ago, when I loved rock Christian music. I enjoyed lots of their music...until I found this song (a gem amongst hard rock) and fell in LOVE with it. Of course, they later came into their own with worship music (go figure...). You can listen here.
Many things in life are hard for me
Many things can pull us down
Many things can pull us down
I don't understand why I do what I do
How could I take my eyes off you
After all You've done for me
And after all You've done for me
It's by Your grace and love I am saved
It's by Your grace and love You've forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I'm amazed
It's by Your grace and love I am free
I am free
And it's by grace and love that I am free
I'll live with you eternally
I thank you Lord that I am free
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying upon the tree of Calvary
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying for me
Because it's by grace and love I am saved
It's by Your grace and love You've forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I'm amazed
It's by Your grace and love I am free
I am free
Many things in life are hard for me
Byt my grace and love You've forgiven me
And by grace and love we are free
4/23/11
Day Four: I Need You to Love Me
I discovered Barlow Girl several years ago, and have spent considerable time belting these particular lyrics. You can listen here.
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
4/21/11
Day Three: When the Rain Comes
Third Day is basically legend when it comes to Christian music, so here's my favorite. You can listen here.
When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away
When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
When the rain comes
I will hold you
4/18/11
Day Two: Your Hands
JJ Heller is an incredible artist. I actually had the pleasure of hearing her in concert and meeting her before her career took off on the radio. She's a friend of Young Life, a ministry that was instrumental in coming to Christ and that I have been intimately involved with for some time. She serves as a musical guest at Young Life camps during summer camp assignments, and I've gotten to meet her in such a setting. (Similar thing happened with Brandon Heath - apparently YL helps musical careers :) ). Not only do her lyrics captivate, she and her husband are extremely entertaining in person! Anyway, this is one song of hers that I feel fills in the blank when I'm searching for words to pour out my heart. You can listen here:
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave you
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave
I never leave your hands
4/16/11
Day One: I Am Understood?
Okay - I'm going to try an experiment. My next seven posts are going to focus on music that speaks to me, comforts me, or that I just plain love. I think that music has a special place in our souls, so I'm going to take some time to share some of my favorites. There are some songs that I feel like I wrote - even though I could never be this talented. But here's one. You can listen here.
Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified
And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need
[Chorus]
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood
And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go
[Chorus]
You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely
And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then
[Chorus]
The noise has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation
Your voice has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation
4/2/11
Come to Me
A couple weeks ago, my Pastor shared a sermon based on Psalm 77 and Matthew 11:28-30. When hearing Psalm 77, I think it's a natural reaction to be surprised that such language is even in the Bible (verses 7-9):
"Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
I felt as though I was kindred spirit to Asaph, the one who uttered these words. My heart - so broken and torn to pieces at some points along this road less traveled, spurns questions like these. He poured out his honest questions, a result of his brokenness and humanity. And drawing it back to Matthew, the Bible points out that Jesus is ready. He's ready for the broken heart, the honest questions. He is ready to offer rest for the soul.
Here's a couple more quotes from Hannah's Hope:
"Bitterness is described in Hebrews as a root that defiles the soul, causing us to miss the grace of God. Nothing chokes out peace faster. Intense marah was deeply rooted within my heart for a long time. I felt raw, weighed down, constantly rubbed in the wrong direction. I was disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, and even myself." (pg. 102)
"While I demanded the joy of motherhood, I never stopped to consider how it would break my heart to be rejected by my child in the way I was treating the Lord." (pg. 104)
BUT - then Asaph REMEMBERS. He remembers the Lord's mighty deeds, his power and authority over all elements. But what an incredible example he provides of how to not complain for complaint's sake (verses 13-15):
"Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph"
And here's a final quote from the book for this post:
"God has a plan that is better than anything I can imagine. He knows the ultimate purpose of each ingredient He allows to flavor my life. As bitter as His recipe may seem, God can make it good, accomplishing His great purpose." (pg. 105)
3/23/11
The Journey Continues
Another cycle. Another failed attempt. Another heartbreak. Another start at square one.
Hope seems to be a weird catch 22 in the infertility journey. We need hope in the Lord to keep going. But when we allow ourselves to hope that this cycle will work, it makes the fall that much harder. It's been a while since we had enough focus to hope. And this cycle, we did. We hoped. I was on Clomid and progesterone - it was the first time in a long while I was medicated. I allowed myself to read into little signs. We both hoped. And we both crashed. I think a lot of circumstances played into it - but yesterday was by far the hardest infertility struggle day I've had in a long, long time. The tears just wouldn't stop, even amidst a full workday. My face was swollen by the time I finally laid my head down. It just hurts so much. Indescribable pain.
I've been reading Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. It's been a relief but has also brought a lot of feelings to the surface. I wanted to share some excerpts here. Some were good reminders, some were honest convictions in my heart.
"I felt that we had earned the right of parenthood. Didn't God owe us something here? Surprisingly, the answer was, and is, no. God does not owe me anything: not a baby, not even an explanation of His choices." (pg. 37)
"God knows this grief personally. He has gone to greater measures to make you His child than you will ever go in the pursuit of growing your own family." (pg. 47)
"In the struggle to 'have a family,' it can be so easy to forget that as husband and wife we already are a family." (pg. 86)
There is more I want to share - particularly, a really unique way that some of the info in this book coincided with my pastor's message this past Sunday. I'll get there soon.
In other news, we hosted a house warming party this past weekend and we were so blessed by a home FILLED with friends and family. So many people came to join us in celebrating this huge blessing in our life and it was an incredible showing of God's love for us.
Hope seems to be a weird catch 22 in the infertility journey. We need hope in the Lord to keep going. But when we allow ourselves to hope that this cycle will work, it makes the fall that much harder. It's been a while since we had enough focus to hope. And this cycle, we did. We hoped. I was on Clomid and progesterone - it was the first time in a long while I was medicated. I allowed myself to read into little signs. We both hoped. And we both crashed. I think a lot of circumstances played into it - but yesterday was by far the hardest infertility struggle day I've had in a long, long time. The tears just wouldn't stop, even amidst a full workday. My face was swollen by the time I finally laid my head down. It just hurts so much. Indescribable pain.
I've been reading Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. It's been a relief but has also brought a lot of feelings to the surface. I wanted to share some excerpts here. Some were good reminders, some were honest convictions in my heart.
"I felt that we had earned the right of parenthood. Didn't God owe us something here? Surprisingly, the answer was, and is, no. God does not owe me anything: not a baby, not even an explanation of His choices." (pg. 37)
"God knows this grief personally. He has gone to greater measures to make you His child than you will ever go in the pursuit of growing your own family." (pg. 47)
"In the struggle to 'have a family,' it can be so easy to forget that as husband and wife we already are a family." (pg. 86)
There is more I want to share - particularly, a really unique way that some of the info in this book coincided with my pastor's message this past Sunday. I'll get there soon.
In other news, we hosted a house warming party this past weekend and we were so blessed by a home FILLED with friends and family. So many people came to join us in celebrating this huge blessing in our life and it was an incredible showing of God's love for us.
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