Update

Well, we went through with the IUI without checking with another ultrasound. The doc basically said we just cross our fingers that my lining was able to thicken up (btw - it wasn't the follicles that measured 5.6mm, as some of my online infertility friends pointed out to me. that was the measurement of the lining. he didn't give me my measurements for the follicles).

Ben's little guys had great motility (he got to see them under the microscope), and all went well with the procedure itself.

However.

Doc told us, as he was writing my progesterone script, that he is closing his practice. October 12th. This was, unbeknownst to us, our only shot. There is nobody else in town that does IUIs (I don't even know if there's anyone else who does the ultrasounds for that matter), so our nearest place is two hours away. And you can bet nobody in that big city is going to have any mutual friends that would inspire the same incredible financial breaks we were just given. One time.

I know that the smart thing to do would be to sit back, and hope. Hope that this was the only IUI we would ever need. Hope that the Lord is chuckling right now as I freak out about the consequences to come if we have to continue this journey.

But I just can't help my human emotions right now. I'm so frustrated. I'm angry. I'm so tired of so many unanswered questions. And my heart hurts. Not just because we've been on this journey as long as we have so far, but also because more often than not, I feel like I've lost hope. That our journey is far from over and I can't begin to imagine what it will look like going forward. How expensive and inconvenient it will be. Well, how impossible really. Thankfully, Ben is great with hope. And faith. I'm so glad he can be strong about it because I honestly can't be.

Lord, be with us. Comfort us. Please, Lord, let this be the cycle, the day, the very sperm and egg that will become a miracle child that we will shout with joy for. Above all, Lord, please restore my hope. My trust. Help me choose to praise you no matter what.

Just Kidding...

So, I got a positive OPK this morning which changes everything. We are now scheduled to have our first IUI done at 7:30 tonight. I am crossing my fingers he will see mature enough follicles to move forward!!!

Not quite ready...

So, follow up ultrasound was this morning. Dr. L found four good follicles (not bad)...but... They are measuring 5.6 mm and he requires they be a minimum of 6. And, unfortunately, my lining is pretty thin. I have a short luteal phase (LP), so I normally don't ovulate until around (on average) cycle day 15 (today is 12). So, he scheduled me a follow up ultrasound for Friday at 8:00AM if I haven't gotten a positive OPK (ovulation predictor kit) before then.

The ultra cool God thing through all these procedures is that we are friends with one of Dr. L's very good friends through church, and Ben works at the hospital where Dr. L practices. Insurance covers NOTHING infertility related for us. However, Dr. L, because of our friendship and Ben's employment at the hospital, he is VERY generously is waiving the costs of the ultrasounds and is only charging us for the actual IUIs, at a discounted price no less. The only other thing we are paying for is all the medications. Also, Ben was able to go to both ultrasounds with me so far. It most definitely feels like the Lord is helping pave the way for us to go through this part of the process.

Anyhow, that was meant to be a short update. Alas.

IUI

For my non-fertility savvy friends, that stands for Intra Uterine Insemination, or, IUI. We are now going through our first cycle where we are using physician assistance. While this is our second cycle of me using a drug called Clomid, this is the first time we will follow the reproductive endocrinologist’s suggestion of also doing IUI (taking Clomid without doing an IUI was against his professional advice). This cycle, I have already had one ultrasound (a baseline on cycle day 3 to ensure I have no cysts), I will have another one this coming Wednesday (CD 12), and he will determine based on what he sees if he will also prescribe a “trigger shot,” which is a medication that essentially forces the follicle to release the egg it is growing. Then, as soon as I know I am about to ovulate (either by trigger or by ovulation predictor tests done at home), off to the office we go.

Wow. Writing all that out makes it all seem so clinical. And, in all reality, it is. I think this is one of the biggest struggles of this stage of our journey, especially for Ben. Who imagines that they will conceive a child by “alternative” means? I mean, seriously. This child, if this is how God chooses to bless us, will be 100% me and Ben. But we won’t have any crazy conception story about one too many drinks, or a romantic weekend away, a forgotten birth control pill or anything like that. I know we are at this stage, but I’m not even sure I’ve fully accepted where we’re at.

The Emotions

I think sometimes what is the hardest to understand, adjust to, and live with are the emotions. Mine are so strong at times, sometimes due to hormones, sometimes due to my own personality, that I just feel like they are taking over. Rational thought is gone and I become a puddle of tears, snot, and confusion. My heart breaks, it seems, over and over again as we begin new procedures or have another cycle start. When normal, everyday life is piled on top of this journey, sometimes it seems unmanageable. Right now, I have major career concerns going on, while we are also right in the beginning stages of possibly making our first ever offer on a house. Stress, much?

My whole career is up in the air because the institution I work for doesn't want to allow me to hold two part-time positions at one time (one advising, one teaching). If this is the case, come January, I have no idea what I will be doing. Options include doing one or the other part-time (which is not enough work, and would be a very difficult decision), or crossing my fingers that a full-time position would open at just the right time that I could apply for. Then, if I took a full-time position advising, would I still choose to teach a course and have less time available for life than I've experienced in a long time.

And of course, it's all related. All the time I mull over my career options, the thoughts of a family swarm my mind. And I begin to think...if only... If only we had been successful this cycle, everything would make sense. I wouldn't need a full-time position because I'd go right back to part-time after having a child anyway. If only he would tell me if/when He will bless my belly with a new life, the career choices would be so much clearer. But that's not how God works. His plans are not my plans and I don't get to pick and choose "ideal".

I have a meeting on Thursday to figure out once and for all if I can hold these same two positions for one more semester. My insides are all aflutter with anxious thoughts and I wonder if the Lord can possibly quiet this heart.

Brand New...

Hey! I'm Jenny. I am a brand new blogger. I've never attempted this before because I've never felt like I would have interesting things to say, at least, interesting enough for others to want to read! Sure, I got great grades in English, and I feel like I'm a competent writer. But interesting? I guess we'll find out.

However, my husband Ben and I are currently on a journey in our life that has brought me to my knees, tested my faith, strengthened (and tested) our marriage, and one which I often have trouble processing. I suppose I begin to wonder if writing it all down will help. I also wonder if knowing that there are others out there who support us through this journey by reading, posting, or whatever that support means, will aid in the process.

You see, it's tricky navigating this journey, and it's difficult to ask for support. We don't usually like to bring it up, because, let's be honest, it's a downer. But, it's really so much harder to pretend like nothing is happening at all. This journey breaks my heart, and I've experienced pain, longing, and questioning like I've never felt in my life until now. Not only that, the Enemy is hard at work to tear down our faith in a time of uncertainty and unanswered questions. It's very hard to articulate these things to others. And it's also very, very hard to admit that it IS this difficult, and to ask for support.

Right now, we are an awesome team of two. But...we have been trying for over 18 months now to become a family of three. The (what feels like) horrific word and label has now been applied - infertility. I cry even as I admit in in writing. We've been tested. We've read books. We've seen a specialist. We've had our intimate life intruded upon, things that are supposed to be private are now public. I commit time everyday to this journey with temperature taking, and many other things that are a constant reminder of where we are at.

But the Lord is GOOD. He has placed some great resources in my life thanks to the ever expanding Internet that encourage and inspire me. I am reminded that there are other believers out there in the same time of life, the same struggles. He is always good. Even if I feel life is unfair, that we've been dealt a deck of cards that just don't add up right now, He is still good. It is a ginormous struggle to really believe that each and every day. Every moment of life.

I won't share too much else now, as this post may be too long for blogger etiquette (I really don't know about all that yet...). I will share one thing below, brought to me by a Girlfriends in God email devotional that I feel is a pretty accurate summary of me right now. But if you're reading, please pray for Ben & me. For these deep, deep longings, and for the everyday (yes, every single day) struggle this journey has brought. And stay tuned, as I'll be back to keep up this new adventure. Thanks for being here with me.

Based on the Scripture: Psalm 59:16 (NIV) "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble."

"Are you facing a circumstance that is much too big for you to handle? The deafening waves of doubt may be crashing around you, drowning out the promises of God. The unknown stretches before you and all you can see are the mistakes you have made and the opportunities you have missed. Fear has brought you to your knees and you are more desperate than you have ever been in your life. The questions far outnumber the answers. You cry alone in a darkness that is unlike any you have ever faced. You long to be understood and crave a love that accepts you just as you are in the midst of your fear and doubt.

I have great news for you, girlfriend! God sees you. He has not been caught off guard by the circumstances you face and where you are is no surprise to Him. In fact, God will take what the enemy means for evil and use it as the perfect setting for a miracle. You don't have to understand God to trust Him. Restoration and peace are His specialty. He will be your refuge and your strength. Right now, quietly turn to Him. He is waiting."