Infertility, Continued...

I mentioned in a lot of my posts, as we were preparing to adopt, that the infertility struggle will be a part of our forever story.  And now I really know it's true.  I cannot be clear enough that God mightily answered our prayers by gifting us with Nora.  And I could not be more thrilled to be a mom!  (more on that later)  It's the very role I've been desiring for over three years, and He filled my arms and we are SO grateful.  That's really an understatement.  It's like saying I'm grateful for the Cross.  Um, duh.  And words just can't express that.

But...there is still infertility in our life.  There are real moments where we wonder if Nora will be an only child.  And that is SO not the plan we had.  There are real moments of hope that someday God might open my womb and bless us with a biological child.  There are real moments of fear when I acknowledge that may NEVER happen.  There are real moments where I wonder if I have the strength to adopt again.  Ben would do it in a heartbeat.  I think he inherited that mystical amnesia that mothers who go through labor get (I've heard, anyway) - where the pain of the adoption and the unknown of those terrifying two weeks has disappeared from his mind.  But I haven't forgotten - those moments are still very new and fresh in my mind and heart.  Others who have adopted and have really smooth stories, where doubt never really crept in, and papers were signed the moment they were able to be, have given me those encouraging stories.  But my heart isn't ready for it again...and I don't know if it ever will be.  Not to mention the financial aspect.  Who knows if God will bless us to be financially able to do it again?

There's also been recent occasion for God to reveal to me that there are infertility wounds that have not healed.  With the adoption process, my heart and mind was so focused on that road and each next step - and of course, with the arrival of Nora - infertility had really left me alone for a while.  And now, I'm a mother!!!  My prayers and dreams have come true in a really incredible story.  For real - and the number of people that prayed with us and for us through this journey have SEEN GOD'S GLORY.  Praise Jesus!

But - there are still wounds.  They're different now - it's not remotely the same pain as the height of infertility.  But a friend of mine recently gave me the metaphor of a scab.  It's a wound that has healed over (absolutely true in the midst of the adoption and with the arrival of Nora).  But - one slight pick at that scab, and the wound feels fresh again.  What an accurate description.  I realized that I haven't grieved through the aches I have to be able to pee on a stick and see a positive result.  To have that incredibly traditional moment when I get to tell my husband we're pregnant.  To have the experience of telling family and friends in a really fun & exciting way.  Yes, we got to announce we were expecting through adoption, and we got to announce that Nora's birthmom chose us.  But everything is SO different through adoption.  The uncertainty and waiting just isn't the same, and one-time big announcements just aren't possible.  Baby showers - not the same.  Birth certificate - not the same.  First moments after birth - not the same.  And there are moments where I feel guilty that these things still hurt.  Because God answered my prayers, right?  Nora is ours and I'm a mother.  So what's the problem?  Well, the problem is that I've still got a scab.  And that scab hasn't scarred over yet and maybe never will.

But (and here's the really great but) - I know that the same God who walked with me through the last three and a half years will keep walking with me.  And will speak quietly to me in those painful moments.  And will help my heart be at peace with whatever the rest of our journey, the rest of our family will look like.

So - that's the honest truth.  :)  And here's my beautiful daughter.  Because again - none of this changes the JOY and GRATITUDE we have for the way God has grown our family, and the chance to be Nora's parents.