Tax Credit Petition

Please sign this adoption tax credit petition here!!! 

There's also INCREDIBLE materials to become an advocate for the adoption tax credit to be extended here.  The website includes templates for contacting your US Senators and Representatives, like letter samples, phone call scripts, etc.  Please get involved in such an important cause!!!

Waiting

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14

So...we're still waiting.  :)  It's been almost 3 months exactly, and so far hasn't felt terribly long (praise the Lord!).  

We did have a chance to talk with our case worker this week to ask some questions about where we stand.  We were told that we have been shown (via our matchletter) to several prospective birthmothers/families, but not yet chosen.  We asked about where we stand on the "openness" scale of waiting families with our agency, based on the choices we made months ago about  the things we're open to - and she said we're pretty average.  We also noted how many families are currently waiting - there are 39 matchletters on the agency's website right now (9 of whom have an "on hold" status, meaning they've been tentatively matched or have stepped out of the process temporarily).  That is a LOT of families.  So we asked her about that, and she did say it's a very high number for them - but, they are also experiencing a much higher than average level of birthfamily traffic.  Which makes sense - in the 3 months we've been waiting, we've seen countless families already go on hold and then disappear from the website.

All that to say, we still have no news, but are fervently praying it happens soon - before impatience can sink in.  :)  It's also hard because the longer the wait gets, the easier it is to question our "openness" choices, or our matchletter itself.  That's not a bad thing - it's good our minds are brought back to it so we can go before the Lord and open our hearts to anything He has to say about them.  But, it is very very hard.

A very dear friend shared the Psalm below with me late the other night...and it certainly spoke to our need to trust in Jesus with whole hearts, to trust in His salvation first and foremost, and always.

But I pray to you, Lord,

in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God,

answer me with your sure salvation.

Psalm 69:13

Anniversary Thoughts

To my husband - the man who's been by my side for over seven years, and each day chosen to love me over five years of marriage - I love you!  You are often my strength, my home, my constant picture of love and patience.  I have no idea what life would be like without you, and I'm so glad.  To the next five, and the five after that, and after that, until the last moment that God lets us be together!  I love you. Happy five year anniversary!

FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, vacation.  I am so excited for this trip!!!  We are going to spend some serious quality time together as we Amtrak our way to LA, go to Magic Mountain, drive through so much of California as we get to experience Sequoia National Park (and the oldest, biggest tress ever), time with Jen Tiffan in her new stomping grounds in Davis, have fun in Wine Country, and San Francisco.  Thank you Jesus for vacation time!!!  And thank you for my marriage. 

Twitch

I've been thinking for some time about the fact that I should create a new blog post.  But every time I think about it, I keep coming up blank because there aren't any updates on the adoption front and I suppose I feel like the entirety of my blog experience has been all about infertility and adoption.

But, yesterday, my left eye started twitching.  And I started thinking about all the times in recent years when I got weird, random twitches.  Sometimes an eye, sometimes my fingers, sometimes a quad.  And then I thought about a very dear friend of mine who managed to have an eye twitch for weeks because of stress at work.  And every time this friend gets the smallest of twitches - we always joke about work stress.  Here's what Wikipedia says about physiological twitches:

·         Muscle contraction and relaxation

o    Convulsion, rapid and repeated muscle contraction and relaxation, resulting in uncontrolled shaking

o    Fasciculation, a small, local, involuntary muscle contraction

o    Myoclonic twitch, a jerk usually caused by sudden muscle contractions

o    Myokymia, a continuous, involuntary muscle twitch that affects the muscles of the face, particularly the eyelids

o    Spasm, a sudden, involuntary contraction of a muscle, group of muscles, hollow organ, or orifice

o    Tic, an involuntary, repetitive, nonrhythmic movement or vocalization of sudden onset and involving discrete muscle groups

o    Tremor, an involuntary, repetitive, somewhat rhythmic, muscle contraction and relaxation

Anyway.  That's what my brain decided to talk about today.  Nothing of real substance.  Nothing that really has anything to do with anything.  :) 

What Now?!!

So - the most frequent question I get asked these days is "so, any updates"??  I think there will come a day when I dread this question, but praise Jesus so far - it doesn't bother me!

We are in the "waiting" stage!  What this means is that we are suspended in a bizarre time of having NO IDEA what's to come.  :)  Here's a couple scenarios we have to attempt to be ready for:

1. We get a phone call telling us that birthmom/birthparents have chosen us!  She is 6-9 months along and would like to have a match meeting.  Everything goes amazingly and we walk together through the rest of the pregnancy.  Birthmom gives birth, the requisite time passes, paperwork is signed, and we bring baby home and start living a new life as parents and continuing getting to know Birthmom.
2. Same scenario as above, but at birth Birthmom has a change of heart and chooses to parent and we trust that God has amazing plans with each step we take.
3. We get a phone call telling us that a Birthmom has given birth, and there's a baby at such 'n such hospital, and come on down!!!!
4. About 800 other things we couldn't possibly plan for!!!

In the meantime, we walk a really fine line between getting prepared like the phone call is coming tomorrow, and knowing that this could take several months.  So far, we've looked at paint colors for the nursery, and bought a couple of really cute clothing items.  We have looked at the parenting classes at the local hospital to see which one(s) we should take.  And we have had lots of amazingly thoughtful, incredible offers for showers - to each of which we've replied, "we're not sure when we should do that!".  

We have, however, received a couple of really thoughtful things, which has been wonderful!!!  We got congratulations cards from a couple of wonderful friends.  A work acquaintance gave us a copy of her kids and grandkids' favorite book.  But the most exciting one, you ask?  Ben's Aunt Peggy (of Aunt Peggy & Uncle Walter from Prince Edward Island - LOVE these people) is a monster knitter.  She has made all of us beautiful afghans for our weddings, and since has made lots of gorgeous baby blankets.  As you can imagine, I've dreamed of receiving one of these for a LONG time.  Well...my dream just came true!  They're here visiting for a short time, and she presented us with this AMAZING gift - and believe me when I say I started crying the instant I saw her holding a gift bag!!!

REJOICE

May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you TRUST in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.

-Romans 15:13 - capitals added for emphasis

WE ARE APPROVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We can hardly believe it's finally time to be able to go public with the most amazing announcement of our life together so far.  We found out on February 23rd that the agency had given us the green light!!!  Our case worker told us that all the extra effort we had made was very appreciated and that they were happy to tell us were are in the matchbooks!  It felt SO surreal, especially after the last couple months of utter discouragement.  But, the more people we've told, the more real it definitely becomes.  We could NOT be more excited!

So - what happens now?  We wait!!!  We could get a phone call that presents any number of situations, and it could theoretically come anytime!  The agency's average wait time is about 3 months-1 year, so we'll most likely be waiting for a bit - but only God knows!  Thanks for being alongside us in this journey, and your continued prayers are appreciated!  Please pray for peace, joy, and hope in the wait.  Please also pray for our birthparents and our child!!!

Avoidance

Well, I think I've been avoiding a few things.

I've been avoiding writing any news because I wanted to write with good news.  And it just hasn't come.

I've been avoiding writing because it's February.  This month marks 3 years since Ben & I chose to start a journey of growing our family.  A journey we NEVER could have predicted would look like this 3 years later.  While the ups & downs of the infertility journey have somewhat subsided - each month still hurts a little.  Pregnancy announcements still hurt.  Growing bellies are joy for their owners - yet for me, painful reminders at the failings of my own body.  And knowing it's been 3 years is simply surreal.  Infertility and adoption are not separate.  Infertility and parenthood will not be separate.  There are no cures, no answers, no easy fixes for it.  It is a journey we may walk every day for the rest of our lives. While I'm not in the same place in the infertility journey I was a year ago (PRAISE JESUS, He's already worked on healing so much with this, helping me to grieve so much), the reality is that it's still a journey we continue to be on.

But above all else - I've been avoiding the humble reality of facing truth in lack of trust.  The day in December I last posted, my world felt like it fell apart.  About a month later, our agency asked us to complete additional steps - hard steps - in order to reconsider their decision of not approving us in December, and the world crumbled a little more.  Both of those moments should have been the first moment my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and arms reached out to Jesus and allowed trust and peace to flood my entire being.  Instead, I panicked.  I hurt.  I cried.  I worried.  I attempted to exert any control I thought I could.  And the two months since that day have been...well...indescribable.

Proverbs 13:12 - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  This whole journey has felt like hope deferred.  But two months ago, fleshly hope was tangible.  This is why I feel like my heart hurts so much in this journey, when that wonderful outcome of approval slipped away.

However, Rom 5:3-5 - "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured our into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."  This is what I WANT to feel in my heart, and humbly ask you to help me ask Jesus for this to become my everyday reality.  To move from feeling like adoption "will be" an amazing road once there's resolution, and instead feel like adoption "IS" an amazing road, if not for any other reason than this is where God has us.  To hope now because Christ died on the cross and nothing else changes that.  And to hope forward, to the wonderful, handmade, blessing of a child that God will place into our family.

All this to say - there's no news yet.  And my heart is in a state of flux, sometimes human and worrying and hurting, sometimes having brief glimpses of hope, faith, and trust.