Wow - can't believe it's been so long since I tossed my thoughts into cyber space. The house is....coming! We still have lots of work to do, and we *might* be in it by the end of the year. This has thrown me for a loop - as you read in my previous post, I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to the holiday season. It kills my heart that I can't decorate full out - celebrate in my usual manner (being the creature of habit I am). Alas, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I have been finding it necessary to force myself into a grateful heart. This shouldn't be hard. Our life is so full of blessings, I'm sure it would take me forever to count them all. And yet, I drown in worry, stress, and about 80 million other negative emotions and states of mind.
Also, I am finding the holidays particularly difficult this year. A dear friend just had her little girl today, and it seems as though there is pregnancy all around me. My mother in law (who's amazing, by the way - there's a huge blessing right there) threw together an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner the day after Veteran's Day because all the siblings happened to be here. It was, of course, an incredible meal. But it was hard. Harder than I imagined. I found myself watching my beautiful toddler nieces and handsome nephew, so full of life and loving to be together. Yes, there was the usual tantrums and difficulties. But it didn't matter. Watching those little cousins grow, and grow together, just became too much and I found myself vehemently crying in the bathroom, trying to stay quiet and not make a scene. We so desperately want to be a part of that world. And the Lord says no. And we don't know why. And it hurts. And hurts and hurts.
We are still not pursuing medical treatment at this time. Life has just been overwhelming. I am back to temperature taking and such, so it seems life as normal. The daily reminders are back (time off from this process is sometimes so forgiving), and Christmas will be here soon.
Lord, please heal my heart. Place a holy trust in my soul, Lord, to know you and to trust you. Bless the mothers I know. Bless their overwhelmed minds and bodies. Bless the little ones you are still forming into little bundles of perfection. Help me to remember my own blessings, the multitudes that there are, and get on my knees and stop questioning my Creator.
4 comments:
Wow jenny! What a beautiful post. I do apreciate your wonderful attitude and even though at times you may think that it isn't, you are so willing to understand. O love you dearly. There are trials we all go through, all having serious importance. We look at those with the jobs they want and need but need to remember that we have a job. The lord has blessed you with a family, just differently than you thought. How great it is you can enjoy the love of nieces and nephews! Love you and know you are in my prayers!
Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your "Thanksgiving meal" experience. Holidays are always so hard...we are having to avoid our family's get together this Christmas. There will be 4 newborns there and it's just too painful this year. Saying a prayer for you right now.
Oh, Jenny, I am sorry about your Thanksgiving meal tears. This time of year can be so hard... emotions are so easily intensified. I think of you often, and when I do I stop and pray for you. Let's get together soon if you are able.
It must be so hard to be around your family with your nieces and nephew in this stage of life you're going through right now. <3
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