Life As I Know It

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:21

Twists and turns.  I think that's a good title for this chapter in my life.

A little over a week ago, I found myself the recipient of an INCREDIBLE blessing.  I came home to find a box addressed to me.  Upon opening it, I found a card that instructed me to read it first.  The author shared with me that I am so loved by my friends and family that this package of 21 gifts, dubbed "The 21 Days of Christmas" was given to me as a reminder of that love.  The author also told me that I was being steadfastly prayed for during this season of my life.  I have received a great variety of wonderful things that have brought Christmas alive in the traditional sense (a Christmas mix CD, ornaments, a cookie cutter, Christmas tea), and in the true reason for the holiday sense, with a scripture attached to each and every gift.  The verse above was from today, day 13, and fully spoke into my soul.

Construction on our new home is coming along, and we think it's likely we will move in the first week of the new year.  My first semester of college teaching is coming to a close, and it's bittersweet.  I have enjoyed getting to know my in-person students particularly and have learned quite a bit about the expectations I place on others, based on my own personality.  However, I will be happy to soon return to a life where I get to leave my work at work.  Having to plan lectures and grade has made it feel like I have homework all over again, which is something I won't miss for quite some time.  

Which brings me to twist #2...I got the full time position I was hoping for.  It's a promotion, to say the least, and I will be responsible for supervising quite possibly around 10 people.  Once again, it's very bittersweet.  I never expected to have to return to full time work.  I assumed that by the time I graduated with my Master's (over 6 months ago), that a beautiful child would be on the way or already added to our small family.  I feel incredibly blessed for such an incredible job opportunity, but it feels like it comes with a very heavy price that weighs on my heart. 

My 28th birthday has also now come and gone.  This was my second birthday since we started trying to have a family.  And it's been a rough realization.  I think I've taken for granted that I have a couple of very close friends right around my age that don't yet have kids.  I think in the twists and turns of life, it's dangerous to hold tight to such things.  Yes, it's good to be in the present but it's also good to know that life can change very quickly.  I have found myself feeling lonely lately...for no particular reason really.  But as I realize I am primarily surrounded by those whose lives are very different from my own (whether girlfriends that are single, or couples we know who are parents), it's difficult to think about the days when these fellow DINKS (dual income no kids, as a close friend refers to them) could surpass us in family size.  I know that I will be challenged in ways beyond compare to what I've faced so far, and my heart will face darker days if these particular desires continue to go unfulfilled.  It's hard to remember that the Lord's plans may continue to be very different from my own, and that I need to strive to find solace and comfort in Him alone.  That no matter what happens, there is someone who is so much bigger than myself, my life, or even my desires in charge of what is going on in my life and the lives of those around me.  

I feel, sometimes, that my life is a constant battle between my selfishness (which I often find myself drowning in), and living my life in praise of the One who gave his for me.  And most days, I lose that battle.