Another cycle. Another failed attempt. Another heartbreak. Another start at square one.
Hope seems to be a weird catch 22 in the infertility journey. We need hope in the Lord to keep going. But when we allow ourselves to hope that this cycle will work, it makes the fall that much harder. It's been a while since we had enough focus to hope. And this cycle, we did. We hoped. I was on Clomid and progesterone - it was the first time in a long while I was medicated. I allowed myself to read into little signs. We both hoped. And we both crashed. I think a lot of circumstances played into it - but yesterday was by far the hardest infertility struggle day I've had in a long, long time. The tears just wouldn't stop, even amidst a full workday. My face was swollen by the time I finally laid my head down. It just hurts so much. Indescribable pain.
I've been reading Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. It's been a relief but has also brought a lot of feelings to the surface. I wanted to share some excerpts here. Some were good reminders, some were honest convictions in my heart.
"I felt that we had earned the right of parenthood. Didn't God owe us something here? Surprisingly, the answer was, and is, no. God does not owe me anything: not a baby, not even an explanation of His choices." (pg. 37)
"God knows this grief personally. He has gone to greater measures to make you His child than you will ever go in the pursuit of growing your own family." (pg. 47)
"In the struggle to 'have a family,' it can be so easy to forget that as husband and wife we already are a family." (pg. 86)
There is more I want to share - particularly, a really unique way that some of the info in this book coincided with my pastor's message this past Sunday. I'll get there soon.
In other news, we hosted a house warming party this past weekend and we were so blessed by a home FILLED with friends and family. So many people came to join us in celebrating this huge blessing in our life and it was an incredible showing of God's love for us.
2 comments:
Jenny, I am so sorry.
"I allowed myself to read into little signs."
I remember this. I remember the little signs that pointed in the direction I was desperately praying and hoping for. I remember the battle inside... to acknowledge the little signs and hope all the more, or discredit the little signs to avoid devastation.
I'm glad you are reading Hannah's Hope. I'm thankful God is orchestrating the reading of your book to coincide with your pastor's message... another reminder that He is near and that He loves you. Hold fast to those reminders.
You are in my prayers.
Jenny, I'm so sorry to see you go through this pain. The book sounds really wonderful, though. I hope it is a comfort that you have the greatest Parent of all, and He cares intimately about your struggles. Praying for you.
Post a Comment
I love comments!!!