Agony? Or am I overreacting?

Alright - so, we're still waiting.  I would love to say that I've managed to recently connect to Jesus in a deeper way in this, to cling to His plan and know in my deepest parts that it's the best possible plan.  Unfortunately, my eyes keep wandering and really, I've just been in agony.  I worry, I plot, I prepare some more, and I hang onto the sliver of hope for dear life.  Each day gets so much harder.  Each waiting family with our agency we see get matched and be blessed with the little one meant for them is like a tiny stab to my heart.  I am continuing to see milestones pass that I once looked ahead to and thought, "Of course we'll have our little one by then!".  And my heart aches.  And aches and aches and aches.

But, this morning, I was listening to a CD put together by my best friend, who has faithfully led a small group of women in a wonderful Bible study over the last year plus.  We had a worship night quite some time ago, and she gave us each a CD of the songs we listened to and worshiped with that night.  On it is a song that this gal's husband vulnerably shared with Ben & I just a few months ago.  It was hard for me to hear it then as a reminder of the possibility of where my heart could actually be in faith, and it's still hard now.  But it's an incredible reminder that our trust in Him CANNOT be circumstantial.  Our trust and rejoicing has to be based in what He did for us. 

Please, Jesus, help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me live these words (the entire song is below):

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Listen here

The Desert Song

Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Tax Credit Petition

Please sign this adoption tax credit petition here!!! 

There's also INCREDIBLE materials to become an advocate for the adoption tax credit to be extended here.  The website includes templates for contacting your US Senators and Representatives, like letter samples, phone call scripts, etc.  Please get involved in such an important cause!!!

Waiting

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14

So...we're still waiting.  :)  It's been almost 3 months exactly, and so far hasn't felt terribly long (praise the Lord!).  

We did have a chance to talk with our case worker this week to ask some questions about where we stand.  We were told that we have been shown (via our matchletter) to several prospective birthmothers/families, but not yet chosen.  We asked about where we stand on the "openness" scale of waiting families with our agency, based on the choices we made months ago about  the things we're open to - and she said we're pretty average.  We also noted how many families are currently waiting - there are 39 matchletters on the agency's website right now (9 of whom have an "on hold" status, meaning they've been tentatively matched or have stepped out of the process temporarily).  That is a LOT of families.  So we asked her about that, and she did say it's a very high number for them - but, they are also experiencing a much higher than average level of birthfamily traffic.  Which makes sense - in the 3 months we've been waiting, we've seen countless families already go on hold and then disappear from the website.

All that to say, we still have no news, but are fervently praying it happens soon - before impatience can sink in.  :)  It's also hard because the longer the wait gets, the easier it is to question our "openness" choices, or our matchletter itself.  That's not a bad thing - it's good our minds are brought back to it so we can go before the Lord and open our hearts to anything He has to say about them.  But, it is very very hard.

A very dear friend shared the Psalm below with me late the other night...and it certainly spoke to our need to trust in Jesus with whole hearts, to trust in His salvation first and foremost, and always.

But I pray to you, Lord,

in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God,

answer me with your sure salvation.

Psalm 69:13

Anniversary Thoughts

To my husband - the man who's been by my side for over seven years, and each day chosen to love me over five years of marriage - I love you!  You are often my strength, my home, my constant picture of love and patience.  I have no idea what life would be like without you, and I'm so glad.  To the next five, and the five after that, and after that, until the last moment that God lets us be together!  I love you. Happy five year anniversary!

FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, vacation.  I am so excited for this trip!!!  We are going to spend some serious quality time together as we Amtrak our way to LA, go to Magic Mountain, drive through so much of California as we get to experience Sequoia National Park (and the oldest, biggest tress ever), time with Jen Tiffan in her new stomping grounds in Davis, have fun in Wine Country, and San Francisco.  Thank you Jesus for vacation time!!!  And thank you for my marriage. 

Twitch

I've been thinking for some time about the fact that I should create a new blog post.  But every time I think about it, I keep coming up blank because there aren't any updates on the adoption front and I suppose I feel like the entirety of my blog experience has been all about infertility and adoption.

But, yesterday, my left eye started twitching.  And I started thinking about all the times in recent years when I got weird, random twitches.  Sometimes an eye, sometimes my fingers, sometimes a quad.  And then I thought about a very dear friend of mine who managed to have an eye twitch for weeks because of stress at work.  And every time this friend gets the smallest of twitches - we always joke about work stress.  Here's what Wikipedia says about physiological twitches:

·         Muscle contraction and relaxation

o    Convulsion, rapid and repeated muscle contraction and relaxation, resulting in uncontrolled shaking

o    Fasciculation, a small, local, involuntary muscle contraction

o    Myoclonic twitch, a jerk usually caused by sudden muscle contractions

o    Myokymia, a continuous, involuntary muscle twitch that affects the muscles of the face, particularly the eyelids

o    Spasm, a sudden, involuntary contraction of a muscle, group of muscles, hollow organ, or orifice

o    Tic, an involuntary, repetitive, nonrhythmic movement or vocalization of sudden onset and involving discrete muscle groups

o    Tremor, an involuntary, repetitive, somewhat rhythmic, muscle contraction and relaxation

Anyway.  That's what my brain decided to talk about today.  Nothing of real substance.  Nothing that really has anything to do with anything.  :) 

What Now?!!

So - the most frequent question I get asked these days is "so, any updates"??  I think there will come a day when I dread this question, but praise Jesus so far - it doesn't bother me!

We are in the "waiting" stage!  What this means is that we are suspended in a bizarre time of having NO IDEA what's to come.  :)  Here's a couple scenarios we have to attempt to be ready for:

1. We get a phone call telling us that birthmom/birthparents have chosen us!  She is 6-9 months along and would like to have a match meeting.  Everything goes amazingly and we walk together through the rest of the pregnancy.  Birthmom gives birth, the requisite time passes, paperwork is signed, and we bring baby home and start living a new life as parents and continuing getting to know Birthmom.
2. Same scenario as above, but at birth Birthmom has a change of heart and chooses to parent and we trust that God has amazing plans with each step we take.
3. We get a phone call telling us that a Birthmom has given birth, and there's a baby at such 'n such hospital, and come on down!!!!
4. About 800 other things we couldn't possibly plan for!!!

In the meantime, we walk a really fine line between getting prepared like the phone call is coming tomorrow, and knowing that this could take several months.  So far, we've looked at paint colors for the nursery, and bought a couple of really cute clothing items.  We have looked at the parenting classes at the local hospital to see which one(s) we should take.  And we have had lots of amazingly thoughtful, incredible offers for showers - to each of which we've replied, "we're not sure when we should do that!".  

We have, however, received a couple of really thoughtful things, which has been wonderful!!!  We got congratulations cards from a couple of wonderful friends.  A work acquaintance gave us a copy of her kids and grandkids' favorite book.  But the most exciting one, you ask?  Ben's Aunt Peggy (of Aunt Peggy & Uncle Walter from Prince Edward Island - LOVE these people) is a monster knitter.  She has made all of us beautiful afghans for our weddings, and since has made lots of gorgeous baby blankets.  As you can imagine, I've dreamed of receiving one of these for a LONG time.  Well...my dream just came true!  They're here visiting for a short time, and she presented us with this AMAZING gift - and believe me when I say I started crying the instant I saw her holding a gift bag!!!

REJOICE

May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you TRUST in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.

-Romans 15:13 - capitals added for emphasis

WE ARE APPROVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We can hardly believe it's finally time to be able to go public with the most amazing announcement of our life together so far.  We found out on February 23rd that the agency had given us the green light!!!  Our case worker told us that all the extra effort we had made was very appreciated and that they were happy to tell us were are in the matchbooks!  It felt SO surreal, especially after the last couple months of utter discouragement.  But, the more people we've told, the more real it definitely becomes.  We could NOT be more excited!

So - what happens now?  We wait!!!  We could get a phone call that presents any number of situations, and it could theoretically come anytime!  The agency's average wait time is about 3 months-1 year, so we'll most likely be waiting for a bit - but only God knows!  Thanks for being alongside us in this journey, and your continued prayers are appreciated!  Please pray for peace, joy, and hope in the wait.  Please also pray for our birthparents and our child!!!