5 Years

I realize I've fallen off the face of the blogosphere planet...  My apologies for that, you one or two readers who might still occasionally check to see if there's a new post.

Mostly, I've been really enjoying life.  I have been so blessed with a wonderful home, an amazing husband, an incredible part time job, and a most precious and awesome daughter...and life has been going a million miles a second.

There's been a lot of moments over the last year or so where I've been struck by a lot of things infertility-related.  I really meant to write a post about Mother's Day...and didn't.  I really meant to write a post about the holidays and infertility...and I didn't.  I really meant to write a few posts about infertility after receiving the blessing of a child...and didn't.

Mostly, if I'm honest, I often try to stuff the complexity of infertility deep down in my soul, where even God can't find it (yeah, right).  God gave me the child I so deeply desired for so long, so why should I want for more?  Well, who knows if I should or shouldn't, but I do.  I have a deep longing for another child to join our family (and not to have to undergo another intrusive, difficult, but beautiful adoption process for it to happen).  I desire for Nora to NOT be an only child.  I LONG to be pregnant.  I desire to get to parent another infant.  And I wish to have answers. 

But as of right now, none of these things are happening.  And it's February.  This is our FIVE YEAR anniversary since we started trying to have a baby.  Five years.  Really?!  Man - that is just the weirdest reality I think I've ever had to face. And let's be honest...maybe I'm not facing it at all.

ONE YEAR OLD!

Okay, for real.  I can't believe this time has come and gone.  Is Nora really a year old??  Has it really been just over twelve months since we got the phone call that would change our lives in incredible ways??  It's just plain surreal...

Eleven Months!

So sorry I disappeared!!  I had really wanted to write something super eloquent about Mother's Day from the "infertile" perspective but struggled A LOT with that.  So then I just kind of gave up writing altogether...

Here's the chalkboard pic from Nora's 11 months, which was quite a while ago!

Double Digits

Well, as you can see...she's TEN months old!  And a whole new little lady at that.  She's crawling EVERYWHERE and has become quite the little troublemaker!  She can be quite clumsy so we've also entered a new stage of head bonks and other owies too.  She is babbling consonant sounds all the time, says "bye" a lot, and is developing the most incredible problem solving and other mental abilities.  It's hard to believe we're so close to the end of her first year...

NINE months! (really??!!)

My precious baby is NINE months old (well, closer to 10 than 9 now that I waited so long to post this)!!  I cannot believe it.

She's becoming less baby and more toddler everyday and I'm in such awe of how she learns new things everyday.  I'm also in denial about how fast time is moving and that I'll be throwing her 1st birthday party much sooner than I can handle. :)

Whoah...

Um, when does time disappear?  Surely that can't really happen...  But here I am two months late in posting Nora updates!!!  7 months was a WHILE ago!

I Will Always Come

So - I've realized in life that I continually struggle with chasms between expectations and reality.  It's a gigantic weakness of mine.  For example - I will sit down with my weekly calendar, writing down all possible expected events and things to get done.  Then I will stare at it and get really (REALLY) worried about how little time there is to do it all.  Then, that week happens and I realize that we totally have time to have friends over for dinner.  And I totally have time to get a couple random projects done (that weren't on the list).  And certainly, I can make it to the Y for a workout.  And, of course I have time for a walk or playdate with a friend.  Yes, I can make my 19 hours of work WORK for our family.

AND REPEAT.  Sincerely.  This happens EVERY week.  I have never learned to remember that there's approximately 16 waking hours in a day and YES we really do have time to have a life.  And to plan in fun adventures instead of scrambling to make them happen when we realize we do have time.

So, another example is how I desperately want to create traditions and rituals for Nora.  Even though growing up, there were a few things that I knew would happen on certain days or for certain reasons (apricot coffee cake with Christmas breakfast, for example) - there weren't little celebrations of life or Jesus or family.  I crave for Nora to experience these things.  I long for her to grow up knowing that every night at bedtime, we share a special ritual, or that mom & dad always make Sunday breakfast together with music blasting in the kitchen.  Whatever these things are, I want to dream up each and every one and be prepared and not let a single opportunity pass by.  I want to be creative.  I want to be persistent.  And I want to be PRESENT.  Now, go back to aforementioned example.  Sound like those things fit together??  Not really.  :)

Anyway, all this rambling to get to my point.  I got to read this fantastic blog posted by a friend of mine on Facebook a while back: http://lisajobaker.com/2012/09/a-mothers-promise/.  I cried and cried and can't imagine what the rest of Nora's life will look like, but I would love to remember all the special moments and create all the special rituals possible!  I hope to someday be able to write something like this myself.  To stop worrying about every stage that's already gone.  To stop lamenting that my not-so-little baby hates to snuggle or cuddle right now.  And to finally stop worrying about all the things to come and just BE and have my daughter know that I will ALWAYS come.