The Emotions

I think sometimes what is the hardest to understand, adjust to, and live with are the emotions. Mine are so strong at times, sometimes due to hormones, sometimes due to my own personality, that I just feel like they are taking over. Rational thought is gone and I become a puddle of tears, snot, and confusion. My heart breaks, it seems, over and over again as we begin new procedures or have another cycle start. When normal, everyday life is piled on top of this journey, sometimes it seems unmanageable. Right now, I have major career concerns going on, while we are also right in the beginning stages of possibly making our first ever offer on a house. Stress, much?

My whole career is up in the air because the institution I work for doesn't want to allow me to hold two part-time positions at one time (one advising, one teaching). If this is the case, come January, I have no idea what I will be doing. Options include doing one or the other part-time (which is not enough work, and would be a very difficult decision), or crossing my fingers that a full-time position would open at just the right time that I could apply for. Then, if I took a full-time position advising, would I still choose to teach a course and have less time available for life than I've experienced in a long time.

And of course, it's all related. All the time I mull over my career options, the thoughts of a family swarm my mind. And I begin to think...if only... If only we had been successful this cycle, everything would make sense. I wouldn't need a full-time position because I'd go right back to part-time after having a child anyway. If only he would tell me if/when He will bless my belly with a new life, the career choices would be so much clearer. But that's not how God works. His plans are not my plans and I don't get to pick and choose "ideal".

I have a meeting on Thursday to figure out once and for all if I can hold these same two positions for one more semester. My insides are all aflutter with anxious thoughts and I wonder if the Lord can possibly quiet this heart.