Update

Well, we went through with the IUI without checking with another ultrasound. The doc basically said we just cross our fingers that my lining was able to thicken up (btw - it wasn't the follicles that measured 5.6mm, as some of my online infertility friends pointed out to me. that was the measurement of the lining. he didn't give me my measurements for the follicles).

Ben's little guys had great motility (he got to see them under the microscope), and all went well with the procedure itself.

However.

Doc told us, as he was writing my progesterone script, that he is closing his practice. October 12th. This was, unbeknownst to us, our only shot. There is nobody else in town that does IUIs (I don't even know if there's anyone else who does the ultrasounds for that matter), so our nearest place is two hours away. And you can bet nobody in that big city is going to have any mutual friends that would inspire the same incredible financial breaks we were just given. One time.

I know that the smart thing to do would be to sit back, and hope. Hope that this was the only IUI we would ever need. Hope that the Lord is chuckling right now as I freak out about the consequences to come if we have to continue this journey.

But I just can't help my human emotions right now. I'm so frustrated. I'm angry. I'm so tired of so many unanswered questions. And my heart hurts. Not just because we've been on this journey as long as we have so far, but also because more often than not, I feel like I've lost hope. That our journey is far from over and I can't begin to imagine what it will look like going forward. How expensive and inconvenient it will be. Well, how impossible really. Thankfully, Ben is great with hope. And faith. I'm so glad he can be strong about it because I honestly can't be.

Lord, be with us. Comfort us. Please, Lord, let this be the cycle, the day, the very sperm and egg that will become a miracle child that we will shout with joy for. Above all, Lord, please restore my hope. My trust. Help me choose to praise you no matter what.