The Journey Continues

Another cycle.  Another failed attempt.  Another heartbreak.  Another start at square one.

Hope seems to be a weird catch 22 in the infertility journey.  We need hope in the Lord to keep going.  But when we allow ourselves to hope that this cycle will work, it makes the fall that much harder.  It's been a while since we had enough focus to hope.  And this cycle, we did.  We hoped.  I was on Clomid and progesterone - it was the first time in a long while I was medicated.  I allowed myself to read into little signs.  We both hoped.  And we both crashed.  I think a lot of circumstances played into it - but yesterday was by far the hardest infertility struggle day I've had in a long, long time.  The tears just wouldn't stop, even amidst a full workday.  My face was swollen by the time I finally laid my head down.  It just hurts so much.  Indescribable pain.

I've been reading Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake.  It's been a relief but has also brought a lot of feelings to the surface.  I wanted to share some excerpts here.  Some were good reminders, some were honest convictions in my heart.

"I felt that we had earned the right of parenthood. Didn't God owe us something here?  Surprisingly, the answer was, and is, no.  God does not owe me anything: not a baby, not even an explanation of His choices."  (pg. 37)

"God knows this grief personally.  He has gone to greater measures to make you His child than you will ever go in the pursuit of growing your own family." (pg. 47)

"In the struggle to 'have a family,' it can be so easy to forget that as husband and wife we already are a family."  (pg. 86)

There is more I want to share - particularly, a really unique way that some of the info in this book coincided with my pastor's message this past Sunday.  I'll get there soon.

In other news, we hosted a house warming party this past weekend and we were so blessed by a home FILLED with friends and family.  So many people came to join us in celebrating this huge blessing in our life and it was an incredible showing of God's love for us.

Inadequate

According to TheFreeDictionary.com, the definition of inadequate is:
inadequate [ɪnˈædɪkwɪt]

adj

1. not adequate; insufficient

2. not capable or competent; lacking

This particularly defines how I feel today, and something I struggle with a lot in my life.  Today, I was ready to give up.  Today, I wanted to be mediocre and not care.  Today, I wished that I was fine with less than perfect.  Today, I wanted to hide from all my job responsibilities and pretend I don't feel incompetent

Infertility makes me feel inadequate too.  The voices in this world, and often in my own head, tell me that I'm not whole because I can't procreate.  That I'm incomplete, inadequate.  That I'm lacking.  And really, my own desires tell me these things more than anything else.  My heart aches because this longing is so deep within - longing to be a mother, to see Ben be the most amazing dad.  The longing to raise children in a house that loves Jesus.

But, the eloquent words of Sanctus Real (you can listen here) remind me that

"When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere

When I don’t measure up to much in this life

Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven"

And God reminds me through his own Holy Word that I have nothing to fear in this life in Isaiah 51:

 ¹²"I, I am he who comforts you;

   who are you that you are afraid of man who dies,

   of the son of man who is made like grass,

¹³and have forgotten the LORD, your Maker,

    who stretched out the heavens

   and laid the foundations of the earth,

and you fear continually all the day

   because of the wrath of the oppressor,

when he sets himself to destroy?

   And where is the wrath of the oppressor?

Jesus - help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me to overcome these feelings of inadequacy.  Remind me that I mean enough to you that you know the number of hairs on my head and you see every tear that falls.  You know the deepest desires, you have given me the talents I have.  You have placed me in this job and your plan is what rules my life.  Help me to remember that you are GOOD and your mercy endures forever.  Remind me that your plan is to prosper me and not to harm me.  Help me to trust in your plan to give me hope and a future.

What do I know?

You can listen here.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com 
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Addison Road - What do I know of Holy?

February

February is a tough month.  This one marks the two year anniversary since we started trying to have a child.  I've been dreading reaching this milestone.  I've also been dreading the completion of our home.  I know that sounds really weird - but it's provided a much needed distraction from our infertility process over the last few months.  In a way, our hearts, souls, time, energy, and sanity were all poured into the progression of taking a run down, bank owned house and creating a home for ourselves.  While we continued to actively try, we let all medical help go by the wayside while our finances, time, and energy went into this process.  Now, I am working full time (which is stressful enough on its own), we have moved into this completed home, and we'll be faced yet again with all the questions - do we continue with IUI procedures?  Can we even afford to do so without any insurance coverage (each cycle we choose this route will cost a considerable amount of money)?  Which fertility center in the Big City will we choose?  At what point do we stop pouring money into the process of trying to have our own, and instead begin saving for an adoption procedure?

So, now that the house is done - I'm terrified of facing days again where the pain is so overwhelming that I can only function at a surface level at best to keep it at bay.  Not to mention that this house is far too large for the two of us.  Lots of empty space to haunt me.

However, I now have a practically brand new home.  It's incredible, and beautiful.  I can't believe what my husband, his dad and brothers, and lots of very dear friends, were able to accomplish in just three months.  It's a beautiful home, and while we still have projects to finish and unpacking to do...it's our home.  We live in this house now, and anxiously await the perfectly orchestrated situation to come along and our trailer to be sold.

Proverbs 14:1
"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."  Lord, help me to be a wise woman, one who will take this home and build it up for you, for her marriage.  Jesus I plead that you give me the patience I lack, heal me of the anger that flares, and help us to live each day for its own purpose and not look only toward the future that we cannot predict.  Please, Lord, don't allow me to tear down this home with loss of hope, with lack of trust, or with selfishness.

A New Year

I hate getting used to writing the new year.  It always takes me longer than it should to remember to write 11 instead of 10.  I digress...

This January has brought cold weather (negatives, people!), progress on our home (flooring has started to go in - there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel), and the start of my new full time job.  It also brings sadness as I say goodbye to one of my best friends - Jen - who leaves her Young Life Area Director post in nearby small town to start Young Life brand new in another town in a neighboring state.  Jen was the senior leader of the team in said small town when I became a volunteer leader at a young age of 19.  She mentored me.  After a year or so of learning lots of hard lessons about what loving high school kids in the name of Jesus really means, we became best friends.  We had lots of incredible adventures - developing epic running skits for weekly club (Mary J. Bling and Surfer Jen, and also Spirit Girl and J-Flo (a deodorant super hero)), weeklong summer camps, and fun trips to Portland and Seattle.  She was my Maid of Honor, standing up with me on the most important day of my life.  And she remains one of the most honest pictures of a strong woman, and most real illustrations of Christ's commitment and love.  I will miss her so dearly but am thankful for a new adventure called Skype.  I will visit her soon, and I know the Lord will work mightily in her new job and she will make a huge impression on those around her.

I am two days into my new job and already feeling the pressure of just how much lies ahead of me.  I am overwhelmed and needing the Lord's strength, inspiration, and compassion as I am charged with brainstorming how to fix a lot of messes and lead those under my supervision.  And life goes on...

Life As I Know It

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:21

Twists and turns.  I think that's a good title for this chapter in my life.

A little over a week ago, I found myself the recipient of an INCREDIBLE blessing.  I came home to find a box addressed to me.  Upon opening it, I found a card that instructed me to read it first.  The author shared with me that I am so loved by my friends and family that this package of 21 gifts, dubbed "The 21 Days of Christmas" was given to me as a reminder of that love.  The author also told me that I was being steadfastly prayed for during this season of my life.  I have received a great variety of wonderful things that have brought Christmas alive in the traditional sense (a Christmas mix CD, ornaments, a cookie cutter, Christmas tea), and in the true reason for the holiday sense, with a scripture attached to each and every gift.  The verse above was from today, day 13, and fully spoke into my soul.

Construction on our new home is coming along, and we think it's likely we will move in the first week of the new year.  My first semester of college teaching is coming to a close, and it's bittersweet.  I have enjoyed getting to know my in-person students particularly and have learned quite a bit about the expectations I place on others, based on my own personality.  However, I will be happy to soon return to a life where I get to leave my work at work.  Having to plan lectures and grade has made it feel like I have homework all over again, which is something I won't miss for quite some time.  

Which brings me to twist #2...I got the full time position I was hoping for.  It's a promotion, to say the least, and I will be responsible for supervising quite possibly around 10 people.  Once again, it's very bittersweet.  I never expected to have to return to full time work.  I assumed that by the time I graduated with my Master's (over 6 months ago), that a beautiful child would be on the way or already added to our small family.  I feel incredibly blessed for such an incredible job opportunity, but it feels like it comes with a very heavy price that weighs on my heart. 

My 28th birthday has also now come and gone.  This was my second birthday since we started trying to have a family.  And it's been a rough realization.  I think I've taken for granted that I have a couple of very close friends right around my age that don't yet have kids.  I think in the twists and turns of life, it's dangerous to hold tight to such things.  Yes, it's good to be in the present but it's also good to know that life can change very quickly.  I have found myself feeling lonely lately...for no particular reason really.  But as I realize I am primarily surrounded by those whose lives are very different from my own (whether girlfriends that are single, or couples we know who are parents), it's difficult to think about the days when these fellow DINKS (dual income no kids, as a close friend refers to them) could surpass us in family size.  I know that I will be challenged in ways beyond compare to what I've faced so far, and my heart will face darker days if these particular desires continue to go unfulfilled.  It's hard to remember that the Lord's plans may continue to be very different from my own, and that I need to strive to find solace and comfort in Him alone.  That no matter what happens, there is someone who is so much bigger than myself, my life, or even my desires in charge of what is going on in my life and the lives of those around me.  

I feel, sometimes, that my life is a constant battle between my selfishness (which I often find myself drowning in), and living my life in praise of the One who gave his for me.  And most days, I lose that battle.

Time Flies

Wow - can't believe it's been so long since I tossed my thoughts into cyber space.  The house is....coming!  We still have lots of work to do, and we *might* be in it by the end of the year.  This has thrown me for a loop - as you read in my previous post, I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to the holiday season.  It kills my heart that I can't decorate full out - celebrate in my usual manner (being the creature of habit I am). Alas, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I have been finding it necessary to force myself into a grateful heart.  This shouldn't be hard.  Our life is so full of blessings, I'm sure it would take me forever to count them all.  And yet, I drown in worry, stress, and about 80 million other negative emotions and states of mind.

Also, I am finding the holidays particularly difficult this year.  A dear friend just had her little girl today, and it seems as though there is pregnancy all around me.  My mother in law (who's amazing, by the way - there's a huge blessing right there) threw together an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner the day after Veteran's Day because all the siblings happened to be here.  It was, of course, an incredible meal.  But it was hard.  Harder than I imagined.  I found myself watching my beautiful toddler nieces and handsome nephew, so full of life and loving to be together.  Yes, there was the usual tantrums and difficulties.  But it didn't matter.  Watching those little cousins grow, and grow together, just became too much and I found myself vehemently crying in the bathroom, trying to stay quiet and not make a scene.  We so desperately want to be a part of that world.  And the Lord says no.  And we don't know why.  And it hurts.  And hurts and hurts.

We are still not pursuing medical treatment at this time.  Life has just been overwhelming.  I am back to temperature taking and such, so it seems life as normal.  The daily reminders are back (time off from this process is sometimes so forgiving), and Christmas will be here soon.

Lord, please heal my heart.  Place a holy trust in my soul, Lord, to know you and to trust you.  Bless the mothers I know.  Bless their overwhelmed minds and bodies.  Bless the little ones you are still forming into little bundles of perfection.  Help me to remember my own blessings, the multitudes that there are, and get on my knees and stop questioning my Creator.